Update

Sorta regretting pressing send

Sorta satisfied and proud though too

Sorta scared about being satisfied and proud

Sorta doubting...knowing only a handful of people that actually read what I write here

if that...so what difference does it really make...

the only reason...the hope in it, is that it will stay here...in cyber universe

that it will be permanent enough...that someday..someone may need it...and find it.

or maybe it's just meant to help....me.

It brought about so many new insecurities.

about what I wanted, what I needed

about strings and pressures...and honesty

about someone reading it and hating me or

appreciating it... it proving to be good

or friends feeling like they have to love me...or running 

about people thinking I am not as far as I am

when I know how far I really am.

See...it's not that I am just facing it now.

JMJ!!!...I have been open to this thing forever

and have been facing the reality of it for a long time

and finally accepting and appreciating it for the past few years

and then finding good ways of coping

I talk about it...I have shared it with my friends...I have even shared it in class.

BUT I have never made it wide open public 

and using the EXACT words I feel...not slimming it down and making it pretty

pressing send meant that I am going to share it

publicly describe and announce the desperation that I sometimes feel

being completely bare...literally standing...not just naked...but skinless

and to vow to be completely honest and not just telling a story...

This is big for so many reasons

for one, I am counseling people...and self-disclosure is such a risk

secondly, the fear of retribution...

so many times, I need to share something about this...I need to express a desperation

but there is a huge risk...because it could be held against you

as a parent...going through a divorce...especially

but it NEEDS to be talked about...by me..by other people...

not talking...having people hold their desperation inside...

that's what has to be feared...that's what will make people blow.

regardless of how fucked up we feel...we need to know we aren't alone in out "fuckedupness"

ok...so back to the doubt...the "people will hate it"..the insecurity
one thing I really really know...that was recently engraved

lonely...pissed...weird...pressure...not cared...?

when I am in the down cycle...the valley...of this BPD,

EVERYTHING is amplified! nothing is what it is.

I'm looking through those distorted glasses

if I can keep reminding myself of that...even just slightly remember

then it's a little better.