Treat myself calmly

I'm not perfect......

(Oh my God...LOL...
What a statement to make...
That's it, I should just click "Publish Post" and walk away
A genius level blog post!)

But, of course, I'll keep writing.

Anyway...so...I'm not perfect.
But one thing has amazed me lately.
I can be really calm...seriously...I can
I can have big things happen and not freak out

OK, if you know me, you're probably laughing right now
Calm is the last word most of you would use to describe me.
BUT, if you know me really well, you'll laugh cause you know what I mean.
and if your my therapist...you'll just laugh
and write "delusional" in your little yellow notebook..lol

I had a small group of girlfriends over one night
I had just started this cool glass mosaic...the first time I tried that
There was a big, oval, glass table top on the floor
small little mosaic tiles lined up or in piles ready to go
we sat together talking about it and revving over my plans
until......I got up to get a drink...turned around...and...
crack! crack! crack!...glass all over the floor.
My friends gasped
But me??? Nope...there was nothing

I sort of just looked down...maybe said "Shoot" and grabbed a garbage bag
a little blood trickling off my heal... 
They all just looked at me..."Aren't you pissed??"
Nah...it is what it is...can't change it now.
and I just started picking up.

That happens a lot....
this crazy stuff happens in my life
a car accident, a blown boiler, a broken frame, lost card, broken phone
most recently it was pulled over and almost towed
Sure...it sucked...but it amazed me how quickly I was able to see it
Whatever happened...I couldn't change that it happened
so...I breathed and accepted it...and breathed and focused on what's next.
Wow...what a trip it is to witness this calmness.
Acceptance...the things I can't change
Brilliant, right?  Yay for Teresa, huh?

Nope....
because the most important thing to accept,
the best thing I could be calm about,
the biggest time for me to say, "Ah..it just is"
is.........
for MYSELF!

Damn...if I could just treat my emotions the way I did that piece of glass
Rather than flip out, implode emotionally, beat myself up and yell at my failures 
If I could look down at my pain and see it bleeding
and see that what I had looked forward to was not possible

If I could deal with my broken esteem the way I do my cell phone
or accept a loss and wait..the way I do when my debit card is gone
or just accept ME as someone who's sometimes lost, or in trouble, or broken
and say to me..."Oh well, it's happened.." and look toward the solution

Damn it....IF I could just  handle my "heart stuff" calmly...
and accept myself for what I am even when I let myself down
I could actually be happy.
Wow...now that would be great.


ps....since I'm setting wishes and lofty goals...I'd like to add other flip out moments to eliminate
Such as...screaming monster Mom when Luna can't clean her room after 3 hours
or.....tirade Teresa when she's overwhelmed with school work and doesn't get her corner seat in class
(wink wink J, L, D et al)

All wrapped up

I've forgotten what's under the wrapping.
Failed to remember there's color...
So, I'm pealing some strips off slowly
Rinsing the grayness away.

I have a new piece of circle art
I was drawing the other day, and nothing was making sense about it.
I was doing my "circle art" thing...where I just let my inner stuff take control of the pen
and I wasn't liking anything about it
but, I scanned it in to my computer...started touching it up anyway.
and then...when I looked at it from the screen...I froze...

This ugly and frustrating new piece of circle art that I had drawn
suddenly became the piece that says the MOST
it talks about the inner conflict...
it talks about how the depression can wrap itself around
or smudge out
or stick to.......
All this color...

looking at it makes me cry
it's a really desperate feeling
to see this beautiful vibrant thing
that can't seem to break through the sludge
I know that I am vibrant and powerful and good
but this gray stuff is stamped on to that color and it won't come off.


I pour water over the whole of me
Some gray washes off...the black gets lighter
Some parts are slick with oil that won't loosen its grip
Other parts of the color have been protected with plastic and will never be tarnished

anyway....here it is...
with the words I felt as I was looking at it.

The High Power Vacum Life

So.......I had to borrow that church's vacuum the other day.
My Dad brought it in.
It's been sitting in the corner of my kitchen the whole week.

This morning, as I'm waiting for Luna to get ready,
I looked around my kitchen floor and, to my disbelief, found....a mess. 
(Seems like daylight makes crumbs suddenly jump out and around)
I went to reach for the broom...when...suddenly...
the tiny mouse-looking church vacuum caught my eye.

I have very little faith in vauums...they usually....well...they suck
"Ugh", I thought, "I guess it'll be quicker."
I checked out all the workings,
complained that it had a bag and it was almost full...
then plugged the sucker in and turned it on.

"Hm...Wow. This little bugger isn't half bad."

It has that front part that's twisty and bendy and can reach around every corner.
It had a retractable cord and was really light to drag around.
When the kitchen was done I peaked around the door
figuring to test this new gadget on my hall carpet.

Holy shit.. It grabbed on to the carpet like a tick to a dog.
It swiveled and moved and sucked every little particle out of every little crevice.
I couldn't believe it...I was hooked.

The thoughts tornadoed around...

"Where can I buy one of these? Amazing!
I wonder how much it costs. I bet it's like $200 bucks...
I'm broke...I don't have $200.
But wait.......if I don't go to therapy this week...hm...well that'll save me $150
which means the vacuum would only really cost me $50. Wow!
having this great vacuum can bring me much longer lasting sanity than one little session of therapy, right?"


The cord was long, and I was pumped.
By this point I had reached the living room and there was no turning back.
So I ran to unplug it (yes, already bitching about how I'd improve this thing by making the cord even  longer)
 
And that's when it happened.....

You see...the "on" switch is on the stem of the handle.
But it's no regular "on/off" thing like you'd think,
Nope, this shit slides...it slides from "low" to "high" and everywhere in between.

I'll be damned...the thought popped so quickly into my head.
"Why the hell would ANYONE...EVER...wanna use this thing on low? I mean come on!"

I tried going through the scenarios:
Maybe different types of carpet...or maybe for furniture or drapes...I don't know.
But seriously, even when vacuuming those things... why wouldn't you want to suck the hell out of them?
High power could suck every piece and sparkle and speck of dust imaginable...
and high power could suck the hell out of a couch cushion..
Not just the stuff on the fabric..
but the dust and dirt and, God forbid, mites that are deep in the cushion.
No way!..It's High, I tell u!!! HIGH all the Way!!!
I can't ever imagine or want to foresee myself sliding my thumb down that button to anything but HIGH.
Believe me when I say...this shit is strong.

Well, of course, you could come up with so many different metaphors for my way of thinking.
But the most strinking one to me, is the one that broke me down this week...
The very..same..one!


Teresa always...has to...knows no other way than to...do everything on High.
I think to myself,  what is the point?
If I'm going to be doing something...getting something done...it's going to be done on High
sucking everyhing out...making sure I get down to the best and deepest level.
Yes....I only work on High speed.
Everything else just feels like a waste to me.

I'm sure you can imagine.
I have broken, probably blown out, every vacuum I've ever had.
With this borrowed one, even.
I had started by looking inside and seeing that the bag was already pretty full.
But I kept going anyway.
And I'm sure that...after my vacuming escapade...that bag is filled toward explosion.

You know the reason I had to borrow the little mouse vac to start with?

It was because my other vac was out of order.
My other vac...which my Dad introduced me to during a scouring spree
when we first got to this house and the dirty cellar needed to be blasted out clean.
My Dad let me borrow......A SHOPVAC!....
Yes, a glorious Extra high powered shopvac...the kind used on construction sites.
Before I knew it, it was up from the cellar and devouring my carpet and couch and stairs.
The suction was so powerful compared to my broken down Dyson
I could not turn away. I used that shop vac all year. And finally it crashed.
The filter was so damn clogged and exhausted.
It could serve no more until it was replaced.

That's what happened in my life this week.
I have a million things on my shoulders. (I've blogged and bitched about those things already)
They are already too many things for one person to reasonably handle,
but above that....I, because I'm Teresa...do every one of them on "High" power.
And it broke...me...down.

I know that last night I wrote about accepting every part of you
Even the part about how I'd powerwash my mind
I talked about just accepting myself as...well that's how I am.
I'm always working on High..Powerwash...Shopvac..Super Sonic levels
I radically accept that about myself....I think
but....that means I have to radically accept the consequences
and when it comes to an intense, high power everything life,
the consequences are hard and harsh and exhausting.

I need to learn that working on "low" of "medium" or anything other than "High" can get the job done too.
There are delicate jobs or simple jobs...like the underside of the couch cushions or the drapes
those jobs that will get done well enough with just one low level effort.
I can leave the shop vac high level suction powerwashing work for the hard stuff..
that hard stuff is inevitably there and always will be.
But if I do it ALL on "high". I'm going to crash...I saw that this week.

This weekend I worked on a presentation for one of my classes.
It's a simple thing only worth 15% of my grade.
I have everything I need for it. Have done all the work.
And yet.....I am trying to make it into a master piece.
Cause that's what I do.
And I'm still searching...looking to suck more in than I need to know.

Welll......not today! I have tons of other work left...
So today. I'm going to throw it into low...cram what I have into a simple 10 minute PowerPoint
and then......enjoy the fact that its done.

World Mental Health Day!!!

Yes, it's World Mental Health Day!
The culmination of Mental Health Awareness Week



It really really made me realize that my mind and soul need just as much care as our bodies
I take it to the doctor every week
I take the medicine I need
but it also needs to sleep...well that's obvious
and it needs a cleaning...it needed one this week

sometimes you get so much gunk up there
and you have to take a big hose to it...
and just power-wash it all out
wow. it feels powerful to even just visualize it
Can you imagine all of that gunky stuff
the stuff that's been distorted and wadded up and never had anywhere to go
and then the bits and pieces of thoughts that are broken up and floating and taking up space.
there are yucky thoughts...I have them...ugly or mean ones and I'd love to get rid of them
and then there are these thoughts running up there that take the good stuff and tie it up and twist it around
there are dirty thoughts, but I think I'll keep some of those
there are always thoughts stuck up there that belong to someone else...I would love to see those go
but....the worst ones of all are the big red thoughts that swim around and devour all the good ones up
they just swallow and chew and make vomit out of the positive thoughts

Yes....I would love to celebrate my World Mental Health Day
with the strongest power-washer I can get at Home Depot
and blasting the gunk out of my mind

The thing is....
if I did that....
I'd inevitably blast out the good stuff too.
So, once again...a seemingly fantastic sounding plan
foiled by its exaggerated imbalance (one of the many mental faults)

Balance...as always...is the key to mental health
Maybe the powerwasher is the quick, powerful, intense, Teresa-style plan

Maybe the best way...the balanced way
is to chip away the gunk
grab a sponge and scrub for a while
spray away...wash out the big red gobblers
and then slip in a filter and make sure that none of the other stuff gets in this week

Oh...God...that sounds so cheesy...sooooo cheeeessyyy!
and it sounds like what I do every time I walk into session
and it sounds really boring
and it really really doesn't sound like me

I am the powerwasher type
when I want mental health and clean up there
Teresa Prendes steals the powerwasher adds some Ajax
and blasts the heck out of that mind
and it works
it sounds crazy....
but that's me...and that's what works

And in the end..that's my message for Mental Health Day
The acceptance of self....regardless of how that self is
how different it sounds from everyone
how painful it may get at times
and it IS painful sometimes...and different
but accepting the pain with the good...
I believe it's called "Radical Acceptance of the Self"
a smart person told me about that.

So....on World Mental Health Day
go ahead and work out that mind gunk
it's important that you do
BUT...do it your own way
and accept what's up there too
there may be some things up there that we may not like
that we may see as gunk...and we want you to clean out of you
but if you want to keep it...if it's you...
accept it....radically accept it.


Love and peace to all of you!

Mistakes

It is so hard to make mistakes
Not so much with little ones
But big big mistakes
the kind that show a huge failure in judgement
or when you failed to do your job well
or when you act without thinking
those are so hard to take.

I made a big mistake today.
In one day I fucked a lot of things up
I created something that wasn't even there
and now I have to fix it
and I'm so scared

The moment I realized I had made a mistake,
I began to shake, I wanted to vomit, my brain was on overdrive
I started to think of excuses
reasons
lies I could use

I wanted to vomit

My face got hot
I covered my eyes
I picture tomorrow in front of my boss
how could I explain it
how could I not know
Thinking of how I would take the beating
How I could humbly explain my ridiculous confusion
how irresponsible

I thought of all scenarious
of running away and not dealing with it
of coming down with some awful disease so that I couldn't get yelled at
of showing up and being fired
of lying, of pointing the blame, of excuses
I thought about nothing happening
no consequences
I thought about breaking into tears
of being yelled at
of saying I'm sorry
of how big of any idiot I am
if I could cry to my boss
what I could say
what can I say

So so scared
Because of a mistake
why are we so scared to fuck up

I had such fear
and then...I threw my hands in the air
because no matter how big a mistake is
it's done
it happened
over
fear isn't going to bring it back
lies aren't going to make it go away
worrying about the consequences isn't going to change them

The only thing I can do is to look deep inside
process how the mistake happened
and let it be.

THAT is the big, most important thing
the part that asks "How did it happen?"
The answer is very simple....
I AM TIRED...
I am so tired...
Im doing way too much
and the "too much" is not simple stuff
it is stuff that requires a lot of mind and emotion
and I don't have a lot of that to give right now
I am overwhelmed with emotion and hurts and losses
and I am overwhelmed with responsibilities
and that combination has exploded
so....I AM EXHAUSTED
inside, outside, mindfully, painfully

I need to take care of ME

in the end,
that is the only explanation that I can give
I made a HUGE mistake
because I am not taking care of myself
because...
I don't know how to take care of myself
but I have to learn

The church walk-through

Having a minister for a parent.....
ugh..I don't even know how to finish that sentence.
Always always exposed. 
Very little privacy.
Having to entertain people you don't want to see
and  everyone wants to know about you.

If you haven't been to church for a while
or in this case...haven't been there at all,
I am strongly suggesting you go in with the flu
or some other contagious disease
If not, you will be slobbered on by every old lady
and you will probably end up walking out with some disease anyway

The moment you walk in, all eyes and whispers are redirected
that's why I like to sneak through the back.
then anyone that wants to give you a look or elbow their neighbor,
they will have to turn all the way around and it will be really obvious


everyone insists on asking you where you have been
and you must give some concrete response...and it better be a good one
How's school?...fantastic...
What are you studying?...religion...
Do you have a boyfriend?...no, I'm a minister's daughter and will single and celibate for ever.

Open house is always interesting.
People love to see how the pastor "really" lives
they disappear up the steps and check out your room

I'm not kidding...I know it sounds cliche
nosy old church ladies and minister's kids
but it is 100% true
you feel completely exposed and the exposure could come without warning

I'm 32 years old....no longer consider myself solely Christian
I never go to either of my Dad's two churches
and yet I have not escaped the pastoral spotlight

Today is the Charge Conference
The District superintendent comes to the church
they talk business...as a church
and THEN they walk through the house
Walk through the house!!
Ugh....my house on display
walking through inspecting my home

I almost feel like being a smart ass about it
leave my vibrator out right on the bed
hang some thongs from the shower rod
bang out some loud music as they walk in
lol....now that would totally be something to wait for
unfortunately I'm just not that brave

No...instead I will wait here in my home
my home that I just scrubbed clean
waiting, handcuffed to my couch with some church clothes on
yep...just wait for them to come through

Now...the good thing about being a minister's kid
Got a problem....???
you have a thousand prayers going for you at the same time

A reprieve

 

re·prieve [ri-preev] 

– noun

3. a respite from impending punishment

4. any respite or temporary relief.

A day that went well

No crying

Little anxiety

Less neediness

Minimal pressures

More confidence

Lots of laughs

and closeness with family

and maybe even just a little bit of self-love

I feel some relief today.  It was a rainy day and I love rainy days.  They really calm my nerves.  I let go of my thoughts...just for a while.  That felt good.  In fact, I didn't even feel it or recognize it until I sat down to debrief.  But it feels good.

It's scary to feel this way, though.  I worry that it will go away.  It's scary.  I think of all the things I need to get done.  It's scary.  And the scariest thing of all....is that rushing wave that knocks me to the sand as it all returns.  

OK...so I know the deal.  I need to enjoy the ride.  Think of this moment and that feeling.  If I did I may find some longer lasting happiness. 

I just can't trust it though.  Not yet....and that's why I call it a reprieve.  Because I hear the wave coming.  I can see it from the distance.  They're talking about it on the news.  The bills, the school, the family, the homework due, the internship.  And the feelings....the feelings are really really scary.

So here's my plan for now.  It hard to trust...just for now I'll allow myself that fear.  But what I WILL do is to find myself a surfboard...get on it...enjoy the ripple before the big wave...and at least when it arrives I'll have something to hold on to.