Treat myself calmly

I'm not perfect......

(Oh my God...LOL...
What a statement to make...
That's it, I should just click "Publish Post" and walk away
A genius level blog post!)

But, of course, I'll keep writing.

Anyway...so...I'm not perfect.
But one thing has amazed me lately.
I can be really calm...seriously...I can
I can have big things happen and not freak out

OK, if you know me, you're probably laughing right now
Calm is the last word most of you would use to describe me.
BUT, if you know me really well, you'll laugh cause you know what I mean.
and if your my therapist...you'll just laugh
and write "delusional" in your little yellow notebook..lol

I had a small group of girlfriends over one night
I had just started this cool glass mosaic...the first time I tried that
There was a big, oval, glass table top on the floor
small little mosaic tiles lined up or in piles ready to go
we sat together talking about it and revving over my plans
until......I got up to get a drink...turned around...and...
crack! crack! crack!...glass all over the floor.
My friends gasped
But me??? Nope...there was nothing

I sort of just looked down...maybe said "Shoot" and grabbed a garbage bag
a little blood trickling off my heal... 
They all just looked at me..."Aren't you pissed??"
Nah...it is what it is...can't change it now.
and I just started picking up.

That happens a lot....
this crazy stuff happens in my life
a car accident, a blown boiler, a broken frame, lost card, broken phone
most recently it was pulled over and almost towed
Sure...it sucked...but it amazed me how quickly I was able to see it
Whatever happened...I couldn't change that it happened
so...I breathed and accepted it...and breathed and focused on what's next.
Wow...what a trip it is to witness this calmness.
Acceptance...the things I can't change
Brilliant, right?  Yay for Teresa, huh?

Nope....
because the most important thing to accept,
the best thing I could be calm about,
the biggest time for me to say, "Ah..it just is"
is.........
for MYSELF!

Damn...if I could just treat my emotions the way I did that piece of glass
Rather than flip out, implode emotionally, beat myself up and yell at my failures 
If I could look down at my pain and see it bleeding
and see that what I had looked forward to was not possible

If I could deal with my broken esteem the way I do my cell phone
or accept a loss and wait..the way I do when my debit card is gone
or just accept ME as someone who's sometimes lost, or in trouble, or broken
and say to me..."Oh well, it's happened.." and look toward the solution

Damn it....IF I could just  handle my "heart stuff" calmly...
and accept myself for what I am even when I let myself down
I could actually be happy.
Wow...now that would be great.


ps....since I'm setting wishes and lofty goals...I'd like to add other flip out moments to eliminate
Such as...screaming monster Mom when Luna can't clean her room after 3 hours
or.....tirade Teresa when she's overwhelmed with school work and doesn't get her corner seat in class
(wink wink J, L, D et al)