A late paper...

Oh Man...
I sooooo wish I had more time to write
I mean..to write about the real stuff
not the contrived writing that I force out like constipation
yes that is exactly what it feels like when i write a paper for school
it feels like I'm constipated and have to force out this verbal shit

I had a paper due on Monday
and it sucked
and I hated it
and I have been so overwhelmed and exhausted
with every second of every day full of something
it was horrible to have all of this work due at once
and my belly got literally sick with forcing it

I love to learn...I love what I do for a living and what I'm learning to do
I love what I'm learning...
my brain takes all this stuff together
and all these new facts...it's like they have a soccer games in my brain
and on weekends these new concepts and facts have tournaments up there
and it is super fun to watch those tournaments
I really love to suck this stuff up and spin it around and process it

But I had a paper due...and I felt constipated with knowledge
and I was TIRED...sooooo tired guys...
my body had finally crashed and was screaming..."Let me breathe!!!"
sooooo...as a very rare occassion...in my life...I allowed myself a break
this happens so rarely...that I let expectations be...and choose the easy way
But I needed to...I made a healthy decision....for myself...
and I was OK with it.

But...when I walked into that class
looked to the professor and whispered...I needed an extra day on my paper
well....let's just say I didn't get the response that made me warm and fuzzy
I'd forgotten that for all my pride...
in for once accepting that I was not going to do it perfectly
finally cutting myself a break and letting it be...
loving myself enough....
telling myself that I am just as good with a late paper as with an on time paper
I'd forgotten....
that the professor wasn't gonna give one small shit about my reasons
Quite the opposite....this woman said the one thing
that would put that familiar shame knife right back to my throat.

she said...quote...
"I don't know what to say...
You need to know that in all the years I have taught grad school
not once has a student handed in a late paper!!!"
Now...honestly...what did her statement serve...
what did she get out of that...what was her goal..
because I really see none
whatever it was...it worked...cause the shame game was back....

Can you imagine? all the umph I had in taking care of myself...
in making a self-loving decision...
all of that...went puff!!
all I heard was..."Ha, Teresa, you fool...how could you...
you should be ashamed and you know it!"
oh...and i also heard
"You failure!"...and  "Not good enough!...compared to everyone else"
and basically...I saw my beautiful 4.0 go whistling away...
and any pride I had...like a ghost...just disappear...

So...I guess I'm not so ready to brave the self-care route...
no matter how much I need it.....
cause....guys....get this....that week...I had
a new lesson plan...three classes to teach...
advising appointments with a new student in my office every 20 minutes...
internship...that's clients and a group to run
one midterm exam...two presentations...and other little assignments...
all due between Monday and Wednesday....

The question is....why?...
why did this one bitch's useless comment take all my good feeling away...
why did I let it?  why did I let her?
still processing this one guys...

What I really wish I'd said was...
"The first one?...ever?...really?...with a late paper?
well then fuck...I'm gonna go get myself a plaque to commemorate the day"
or
"Well...wow...I guess congratulations are in order...glad to be your first"
or
"You're full of shit!"
or how about just a plain old
"*#^$$#@!!" (Expletive)