"Gorgeous-day" wishes and the end of my couch.

Today was a beautiful day.

Everyone was saying it

Gorgeous day wished all over the place

I must have said it at least 20 times in emails or texts

"Enjoy the gorgeous day!!"

So. you can only imagine..

how much I yelled at myself...literally scolded myself...

because I stayed in the house....
ALL day!!

Not only did I stay in the house,

I stayed on the same part of the couch...

Not only did I stay on the same part of the couch

I had the TV on the ENTIRE time

Not only did I have the TV on the entire time

I was on the computer almost every second

"What a shame", someone said...

Yeah...that's just what I needed...

to feel more shame

I head over to Facebook..

wow...people really seemed to "Enjoy the gorgeous day!"

What's wrong with ME?

I've got nothing, girl!..what a shame.

Why is there so much pressure to "enjoy the weather!"

OR...WAIT...why is there pressure to enjoy the sunny days?

You know...I've come to really enjoy rainy, stormy days.

Because no one expects anything from you on rainy days.

There's a rainy day pass that gets handed out on those days.

And for me...the lack of pressure feels so good...such a relief

that on those days...the stormy, thundery rainy ones...

Those are the days I truly enjoy the weather.

Those are the days I get off my ass.

I smell the sweetness of rain and let the humidity soak my breath.

They remind me of soccer..
wet grass and sweat and soaked jersey and mud..

I enjoy the weather on THOSE days the most...

Even if I do nothing on rainy days...well...that's ok..

Nobody is judging what you do with rainy days.

It's peaceful outside on rainy days...

When I go to Facebook and everyone is bitching about the rain..

I smile...what a relief!

I'm sorry...I know that most people loved the day today.

I hope they went outside and soaked it in.

I'm happy for you who did.

But I wonder if there are other people like me...

other people who will go to bed wishing for a thunder storm.

Loving ME? Really?

Last night after class...I was thinking, 

"Oh man, today would be SUCH a great "beer day"!"

HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

All the classic triggers to following temptation

Hungry: this new Rx takes ALL appetite away, but the hunger remains

Angry: Pissed that I wasn't appreciated (oops I mean recognized..lol)

Lonely: I went into Marshalls, saw some hideous stuff

got so sad reminiscing bout belly laughs at "The TJ" with old friends

Tired: I pulled an all nighter to finish my presentation..
and could barely keep my eyes open

Sooooo...a six pack...a twelve pack...a case of beer..

sounded sooo delicious, relaxing and fun

I'm driving to the store..."HALT-ing"..

wondering, "Why shouldn't I drink?"

Why?? I rolled through the reasons...

Life is better

I'm moving forward

I'm figuring out the ups and downs

I'm being my best me

 

And THEN...

Whoa!!!! Hold up...it hit me!

Why not grab that six pack?

BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF!!!

No way!!! REALLY?? me?? love MYSELF?

Could this really be true?

Yes...it IS true...and I finally had proof.

IF I DIDN'T love myself...

all that stuff about moving forward

about feeling better

about LIFE...

it wouldn't matter...

I would love the beer, and the fun...way more

I DO love myself now...

I want more for myself than beer and fun

I BELIEVE in me..

I finally see that there IS a reason to believe

and that PROVES that I DO love Teresa!

What a surprise!

Appreciation or Recognition

Buckle up cause it's probably not the appreciation you were thinking.

I've got this part of me out lately.

She's causing me all kinds of frustration.

You see...she's agonizing over appreciation

knowing it's something to grow out of.

To a co-worker:

Are you that unconscious?

are you seriously that unaware?

that I just gave you an hour of my life

that you just talked about yourself and only yourself

and then walked right by as you asked others to lunch.

To the girls in my class:

I was up til 4 AM...

turning  your meager nonsensical bullet points

into a mind-blowing multimedia presentation

and watched you put the class to sleep by reading each word

and I took my turn and spoke with passion..woke the class up

BUT...forget the thank you and tell me I left a line out of your slide

Seriously???

To my friend:

We share so much...I share my heart...I hear yours

then listen to you blow my advice

and then watch you "figure it out"

but you credit someone else

Where's my props???

Isn't anyone watching?

and it knocks me off my feet

and my stomach burns as I swallow the resentment

and digest the loathing..

Seriously..Teresa...SERIOUSLY?

What is wrong? Don't you see something wrong with this picture?

Wait...I have to say..writing all that out just now

laying out each story and bitching about it "publicly"

Sadly, it felt good. Cause I'm mad

mad at them for being so selfish

mad at life for being so frustrating

mad at myself for being so arrogant.

Who doesn't like to bitch every once in a while?

But here's the thing.

1. Isn't it amazing that even though I bitch

Even though I feel that they WERE self-absorbed...

I am still sitting here thinking about it

processing it and wondering what my part is in it

Isn't that wonderfully UNSELFISH of you, Teresa?

Cause it would be really easy to bad mouth those people

Highlight their shittiness...and be "right" about it.

But I'm consciously looking beyond instead.

2. Wow...now I know...it's NOT about "appreciation"

Appreciation is something inside the other person...

something that doesn't HAVE to be spoken to be present

I'm sure that they, in their own way, valued my actions

I'm sure the appreciation part was floating silently in their heart

even though they may not be aware of it..

The "pay-off" was there...and everyone values a pay-off...

Nope, by definition, I'm talking about RECOGNITION

Hearing out-loud that they appreciated what I did.

Showing to me that they WERE aware of it....

Ahhhh the fact that I actively SEEK recognition

THAT's the real thing I need to sort through.

I can place the onus on them...but the NEED

well..selfish or not...the NEED...That's MY stuff.

I'll figure it out...eventually...

it maybe temporary...

I may be craving recognition bc of other frustrations right now

but...look...the wonderful thing is that I am willing to look at my part

I'm mad...and that's ok..considering...

but really...my willingness is actually really UNSELFISH.

Way to go, me!...lol...

I'm gonna recognize myself right now...lol

She said, "Bible"

There's been a lot of God talk around me lately
God talk with my friends
and god dialogue in my head
and then god talking back in my heart


As a minister's daughter there was a lot of god talk
God, God, God in EVERYTHING we thought or did
My parents weren't really pushy about it
they didn't "force" it on me
but being constantly surrounded by god talk and god experiences
well it was overwhelming regardless.


I was immersed in it
I read the Bible...it was "all in the Bible"
"Jesus saves me"
I look back at the stuff I journaled about back then
It shocks me...especially the Jesus stuff


I came to resent it...
hate it eventually
I also went through a guilt phase...
guilt for hating the Jesus stuff
and finally...over time...
I grew into a very eclectic view of god stuff. 
the universe...a higher power


I accept and love all religions
I see god in every one of them
I find wisdom in them...
I see god everywhere in nature
and I see the way god works so amazingly
as we cross paths with one another.


So...I DO talk god stuff...
but in a very ecumenical, unifying way


stuff from childhood sticks with us though, huh?
it really really sticks


So...on a day where I was saying,
"I want to get out of here...I hate this...what's wrong with me...
blah blah blah"


she said, "Bible"


Bible?...I haven't heard that word in a long time


"OMG she just said Bible"
and something happened
some association got sparked
a good association...
and just that suddenly, this feeling came over me
and I wanted to DIVE into the Bible


Dive into the Bible...LITERALLY
Open a page and jump into the letters
cause it feels safe in there
cause there's love and wisdom
and I want to hide in...swim in..those words


I don't want to read the Bible
I really didn't feel that
and I didn't want to be unforcefully immersed in God stuff
like I was when I was a kid
that feels pushy and UNsafe.


No...I just wanted to be covered in
Hold my breath in
swim in the protection of
love and thought and wisdom


Not just the Bible
I started to think about diving into other wise words
Literally...DIVE DIVE DIVE and SWIM...
and HIDE in there.


What a concept...huh...
I'm still wondering what it means
all I know is that I felt that dive in every part of my body.
it was a sweet place to swim.

Lies

I just caught my friend in a lie
It's a stupid lie...nothing big...but it's STILL a lie

I thought about the old me.
THAT me would have gotten all upset about the lie
Mad at my friend...definitely pointing it out to her
then making it personal..."why did she have to lie"
"She must not be a true friend!"
That whole bitter dialogue would have curdled in me

At some point, though, I learned that sometimes it doesn't matter
The NEW me knows that it's ok
that lying is just a defense mechanism..
or just a quicker way to respond
done to avoid all the conversation that goes with the truth

I'm not condoning lying...I try hard not to lie.
But I guess I understand why now
and why it's not about me...not always..lol

I like the NEW me
the one that accepts that sometimes people just lie

The funny thing is that,
I have been thinking about this whole lying thing A LOT
and I started writing about it the other day
and have so much stuff about lying...so much "me" stuff

So, I guess there will have to be a "Lies Part II"

Ouch.

Amazing.  I just get so surprised at my feelings
I don't know why I'd be surprised
the feelings are always there
but...everytime they pop
it's like a whole new experience

Drop something into a pan of boiling oil
a tiny pinch jumps out of the frying pan
it stings your arm
it's so little and so painful
it shocks you
you pull back
you shout, "Ouch"
Unless no one is around..then you just shout it in your head
You SHOULD hold your arm under cold water..
but you're a hurrier...you hurry too much..too fast
"You"ll handle the pan more carefully"...but not really
You put your bare hands back on the handle
dropping more stuff for frying.

That's how it took me by surprise
Planning something with my Papi this morning
throwing it in and having that pin-prick sting

Of course, it's different with feelings
Feelings carry a history of stuff.
the surprise was like a stinging splash of oil
But...the inner stuff that happens when the past pops out
That's more like a charlie horse on my heart
and drinking a glass full of vinegar.

Madeleine and I are supposed to go for vacation to Puerto Rico
Our yearly trip to visit my Papi...my family...brother..
the lil Teresa digging my feet into the old sand
This is the first year, though, where there is no flexibility..
I have one week then mayhem until Christmas..

The details are too much to explain
my Papi didn't plan for me to come
it complicates my family's schedule
he's unwilling to take days off...
even though he only works for himself
AND the trip we were supposed to take while there
Well...when I called just now..they were on that trip.

There's so much stuff...rejection stuff
and if you know my history then you'll know why.
but put anyone's divorce stuff, separation from dad stuff
family stuff...and I guess it still makes sense.

Ultimately, the point is...that...well
that even ONE little conversation can create this stinging disappointment...
this sparking, instantanious, take-my-breath,
"charlie horse in heart", grease splash...
and though it hurts and surprises me..
I stick my hands back near the handle
and throw more stuff in the fryer.

I'm gonna go flush the tears out for a while
and then Ill call him back and replan.

Using my hardships, strengths and gifts with gratitude and responsibility

I wrote to a friend....
I shared what I was going through...
I explained it in my "wild-thought" way...
Because I was feeling...really really feeling it
and I was low...really really down there
I was on my case...sitting
all my weight pushing down
on a suitcase full of "why me?"s
self-defeating distorted thinking busting out
I sat on the case...
trying to close the zippers of "It's too much!"

My friend..she's always trying to encourage me
to believe things about me that I just don't want to believe
My writing, my art...gifts she points out in me..
All things I'm scared to say "yes" to.
So...I hold those things tightly...
unless I truly truly trust someone.
Even then, though, I don't trust their response

But...in my desperate moments...I write to those I trust.
and finally...this last time
my friend shoved me off the suitcase and said,

"Teresa, i honest to pete think you have talent oozing out of you
and i honest to pete think it would help a ton of people if
you wrote.

gonna say something harshly loving.
you taught me that was okay......

maybe you need to get out of your fear and out of your self and
offer what you've got. maybe you need to see it cause the world
needs it.

you have a writing gift.
maybe it's really selfish not to see that...........
and maybe that's somethign to look at."

Well.."thank you" I said...still doubting myself
Still not believing...thinking she just wants to make me feel better

BUT...that got me thinking...

I keep this blog private.
Only a handful of people know about it
and even with them..I don't encourage their coming here.

I keep my art "private"
Holly and I worked a lot on being proud of it.
I am...and I put it up...framed..in my house
but I don't believe I have more in me
I believe it was just a fluke

But...this email..harsh, loving or not,
It got me thinking about my responsibility
I'm so scared to be rejected..
I'm so scared that other people WON'T understand it
That they WON'T relate..or want it.
I'm scared to expose the secrets that others don't know
To talk about things..past and present..
Stories that might make people I love angry or sad

So...how do I know...
how do I trust...
This is way too scary...
I'm not sure I'm ready
But maybe it's not my choice
Maybe other girls NEED it...

Life's the Race

I'm having a hard time today.  I really am.
I have this "born with it" stuff...that will never go away
some days are good, other days are bad..
But OTHER days...I just get tired of trying..
I get tired of my personality...
of my wants..
of my needs
Feeling like it's just too much..

And knowing deep deep deep in my heart
that I will just keep pushing through anyway
because I ALWAYS do!

That just makes me want to give up more

People often call on that metaphor
that life is like "Running a Race".
It's true. 
But for me it feels like there is way more to it than that.
the purpose, the trials, the pushing,
the mind, the outcome...etc
it just seems different than "The good'ole race"

In x-country, in HS,
on the starting line..with hundreds of girls
waiting for the gun...watching the guy raise the gun
hearing the shot go off...

I would literally ball..like a baby..
every muscle pushing me to leave
the first mile...I would cry...
my heart would clench to the size of a pebble
needing more air than my lungs did.
But I would push and push...and stop crying
suck it up...look at the girl in front of me...
force my legs ..one muscle tightening..
next step..next muscle ..to pass her by
and no time to think before I saw another set of feet in front of me
AGGGHH! I'd scream inside...
tears come out...heart clench
and then one leg...push the dirt behind me..
muscles tight...pass another girl by.

I would go and go and go like this...
heart clenching between each girl I had to pass
and miles later...entering the chute...
there's a big screen with numbers..counting our time...
thousands of people on each side...
coach yelling..."push it push it!!"
5 girls to sprint by for a Medal...
7 girls left to beat...to get a trophy...
10 girls...10 out of 200+...to have my name in the paper
my heart clenched to the size of a mustard seed...
barely nothing flowing..muscles pushing so so so hard...
cross the tape....get my number count....
past the rope...hide under a tree...
and cry like a baby until my heart was back to size

Looking at the medal in my hand...
Exhausted...thinking...
"This is the shit I have to go through if I want a medal"
But the medal makes me feel worth something
"This is the shit I have to go through to be worth something"

Everyone else...all my friends...
Why don't they feel this 
when the gun goes off they just run...

I want to JUST run!

I've been given this heart... where good/bad is an issue of have/have not...not about evil
and the having doesn't have to be something material...it can be love
and love can help some people get through the material
and if you don't have love, then the material becomes overwhelmingly covettable
that it can cause people to do evil things.

But I truly believe that people do not WANT to be evil people
That if they could have their needs met
and have other's needs met too
Then they wouldn't do evil things.
So...that's that...and it's a whole deep conversation in itself.

What I just can't get a steady and satisfactory perception of
is JUSTICE...or is it FAIRNESS
It makes no sense to me...I want to make sense of it.
I don't think i'm supposed to...
Holly used to tell me that it's out of my hands
that I don't always NEED to understand
but it sometimes seems overwhelming and unavoidable

Why....why are they there and I'm here?
What the HELL, God????

I hust saw a commercial for Minute to Win It
"One couple is only two games away from winning $1,000,000!!!"
Are you serious????
How is that possible?

Certainly, a million dollars would make my life easier...
and I KNOW I would in some way..directly or indirectly..use that money for justice
BUT give a tenth of that money to the truly needy in the world...
OMG...

It is taring at my heart.
That I can be that selfish...
That celebrities make 50x that...and yet some people can't eat.

This is such a cliche and classic dilemma
and I, too, have thought about it soooo many times before.
but today it is REALLY there for me.
and the thing is I don't know what to do with it.

Holly also used to tell me not to feel guilty for being here when other people are needing
To just revel in and appreciate what I have...that's enough.
and again, that I don't HAVE TO understand.

But that ISN'T enough today...
It just isn't...cause it just IS NOT fair!!!
And if someone tells me the classic "Life is not fair"
then I would reach through the screen and grab their ears and pull them to another country..
Then, maybe we could both see that life is NOT fair
BUT that we can do everything we can to make it as fair as possible.

Maybe.

The beach

Yesterday was an interesting day. Went to the beach with the girlfriends.
The first thing that came up was the body issue thing
Gosh...I find my body alien and gross now. 
I used to be so thin...and then...well this...
And that hurts...inside and out.

Then, this whole thing about phoniness came up.
My friend Danielle and I always have a "child-like" blast together
I'm 32 years old...and I had a "slumber" party with her the night before
I was revved up for a crazy fun drive to the beach
Doing the robot..laughing..typical..not-caring type real stuff
But then my other friend arrived...and the whole thing changed
And Danielle became this totally different person
and I love my friend Leanne...but she "knows everything" and won't shut up about it
So it got old real quick
And then it brought up a whole thing about my OWN talking...
how much I want to be listened to, too
.
Then there was this lonliness thing at the beach
this childish anger about the whole thing
so I drew...and took pictures...and read...and swam
and over-thank (or thunk..IDK)...and pity-pooped
none of it stuck though

Then...OMG...just as we were going to leave...
A shark appeared...what an event
and the naked people appeared from the next beach over.
And there were more dangling hairy penises than I have ever seen in one place
it didn't make me feel uncomfortable
It's just that penises suddenly became so unsexy
and there were breasts everywhere. 
And I was ok with that.  Breasts are beautiful.

So then this sex thing came up.
How I haven't had sex in almost two years
And then a masterbation thing came up
my appearance..and sexual worth
And it sort of went full circle back to the body thing

And there was an argument with another car on the way home
and irrational yet comedic anger popping out
and THEN we FINALLY did the robot...on a sugar high
everyone got crazy...and it was finally real to me.

Each one of the above paragraphs can evolve into whole books for me
So....I started thinking about how everything...every moment has an emotion.
Is that good or bad? Are whole books about momentary happenings..is that a good thing?
Maybe I need to just not think so much...Just "BE" rather than "FEEL"

I LOVE that I know how to FEEL so much
I LOVE how much I SEE in life
I LOVE my honesty...my "realness"..the lack of phoniness
I LOVE that I sometimes write it out

But maybe I just need a BLANK day here and there
A "NOT-Thinking-Feeling-Seeing-Writing" type of day.

HA!!! and that's what I KNEW I needed yesterday...
SEE!!! I ALREADY knew that!!
I didn't have to write this all out...or think all that out
My heart KNEW I needed that...and wished for that.

I didn't GET it...obviously...the whole Danielle thing threw me off it
BUT the point is that I KNEW it BEFORE I wasted all this time thinking it through
I need to trust my "self-awareness" more.

Not sure I would have stayed home instead...
probably would have gone and pouted anyway
But that's a different lesson, huh?

The fears I don't think about

Moving has been a trial. I am still grieving from it.
I think I've said this a lot.
More than anything, though,
it has brought a lot of old beliefs, uncertainties and private fears to the surface.
Like a rash, they have become exposed to others.
People see it itch...they see me scratch...that makes it worse.
I sometimes try to cover the rash with sleeves...I still scratch through the cloth.

So. I went to some of my favorite people.
The people who's lives and stories I dream of emulating.
And I reached one prayer suggested by Mother Teresa.
And while I don't know how possible it will be for me
I want to know it regularly.
And when I'm ready, I think I will understand
That it's actually God that will take action..al I have to do is ask.

Deliver me, O God,
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire to being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the desire of being popular,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being suspected.
Amen.

That's all I'm asking for today.

Letter to myself

Sometimes, like today, I look back at my journals, my emails, my drawings, all the stuff that has made me me and has gotten me through interesting times.  Tonight I found this...and Wow did it hit a place in me for today.  What a great message to myself.

Dear Me.,

U have to regain control of ur life. It feels too much like it is occurring outside of you. You're losing yourself the way you did when you were married to Andrew...the way you do still when he's around. Be selfish for good reason..if you need to take time for you..do it. But don't let others take over responsibilties so that you can waste the time away..that's stealing time from yourself and from others. Not everything you do has to have a grand purpose....but be sure everything you do has some type of productive value. You have begun your pattern of destructiveness again.
I can feel that I hit upon an already bruised area when I mentioned losing yourself. It is true. You have worked hard over two years to regain your sense of identity...to rely and trust in yourself..to face yourself and be gracious.

Don't lose that. I warn you because I remember what it did to you before...and because when you look into the mirror lately, I see the old dis-ease. I want you to be happy...to enjoy life...but more than anything I want u to be within yourself...be your own strongest power..your own most wonderful person..I want you to look in the mirror and see the person you trust over anyone else. You worked so hard for that...abandoning yourself at a time when there is so much hope ahead could really put you in a worse place than you were before. I know you feel like everyone has abandoned you..and I'm not going to begin to argue for or against that reasoning while you are in this mindset. Whether they have left you or not, DO NOT abandon yourself..though you feel neglected, do not neglect yourself.

Hey..you remember that whole thing about how when you're in an this out of control state..those times that you truly abandoned yourself..completely isolated yourself from me...do you remember how out of reality you felt..spinning in the crashing waves...the distorted window you made?? Does it sound familiar? It is scary...but you have gotten beyond that before..and when you were on the other side you were able to see how irrational you had been. You NEED to make that choice now, before you lose yourself again..before you forget your beauty and your strength...while you still can recall the peace it brought you to.

Teresa...you have got to take control.!!! We both know that this needs to take PRIORITY above all else...because if you don't get yourself to that mirror seeing that person you trust..if you don't go pick yourself up....then nothing else is going to feel good. We'll go backwards instead of forward. Get back to yourself at all cost..whatever it takes..go visit Nashville..get on that plane..tell everyone to fuck off for a while..refuse the money...Teresa, I can't stress it enough... nothing matters more right now than regaining that sense of self-identification.

Girl, I KNOW this is really hard for you to do. I will never expect you to be perfect. But for both of our sakes, continue making progress. When you are really stuck...and all you want to do is sleep or cry or stay up worrying...remember my voice...hear me telling you that you can do it...that you need to get over yourself..get off your ass and do the next right thing. Yeah..do all those fucking cheesy sayings you hate to love...lol!

I want to be sure that you know before I finish writing..that I DO NOT think you are a current messy shit. NOT AT ALL!! Dude, think back to three years ago. Fuck almighty..the difference is amazing. Even in your worst moments...like the one you had today..even at your lowest...you are 100x more healthy than you were back then. I am always seeing you do these little things to help yourself up..to make healthy choices. You think I'm not looking..lol..but I see you applying all of the techniques you have learned..and when I do, I want you to know that I am smiling and giggling because you truly have come so far. Nope, I am absolutely not saying the shit you think I am saying..(lol..that sounds kind of ridiculous)...all I'm saying is that I see you are struggling with stuckness..I see it getting harder and I want to help you catch it before it takes that giant leap over the edge.

I love you. I am proud of you. I hear you saying..like when others say with pity that you are going through so much..I hear you that you don't want to use that as an excuse..that is awesome..cause you know that rational Teresa sees this move as an exciting moment in life...I hear you and feel free to keep reminding me that you don't think this is overly-stressful. No..we both know that the actual battle is the one inside you..the one that you would have to fight regardless of where you are and how antagonistic the outer elements are. So let's get that strong ass biatch back in charge. SHE is awesome!

Ok I've said enough and hopefully made my point. Listen to our voice more frequently, ok? I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You are thebomb.com..lol..smile biatch. And get some sleep..so we can take on the new day.

Love you,
Me

The Concoction

I'm here...and stuff is happening...from the middle of my belly button...up to like my sternum...and it sticks there for a little bit before it makes a diagonal turn to my heart. Talk about mindful...I close my eyes and that is EXACTLY where I feel it.

So. I'm thinking about it...and I felt for some reason that I could explain it to you and that for some reason...I should explain it...or there's a purpose I don't know about...that is pulling me toward the computer. I don't know why. But here i am...not really sure about it...kinda sick about it....but it'll pull me all day long if i don't...

And...the only way I can describe is: When I was little (maybe you did it too) I would hide in the bathroom with a cup or bottle and I would start mixing everything I could into it. Gosh...there was toothpaste and shampoo and conditioner and lotion and baby powder...hemorrhoid cream...lol...if it was there...and nail polish and nail polish remover and everything from every drawer, box or cabinet that I could find...maybe I would even put ketchup and mustard before I went in to the bathroom. And I would stir it. and there was this feeling...I won't forget the excitement of it...that if I put enough things in there...that there would be some kind of explosion...or at least some bubbling...or something...so I would cap the top and shake...and nothing would happen...all I had left was this useless concoction that stunk and that could probably get me in trouble. Gosh...the thrill faded soooo fast and I'd pour it down the toilet.

The thing is ...here is this day....it's absolutely amazing outside...I have had nothing to do all day for the first time in a while...Luna is proud and happy...I have my grades now...and I still have a 4.0 half way though my program...i have good friends...a new one who just did the most caring thing I could imagine.

Despite all that good stuff... you know what I feel? I feel that stuff...like that sticky messy concoction...creeping from my belly to my heart.
What I want to scream is WHAT THE FUCK!!

The thing....is that this "stuff" is some truly ugly, disgusting stuff. And why, of all the days, does it have to creep out today...I don't know. BUT there it is...and it is horrible ..just disgusting...It is a pure, absolute, self-HATRED...just despise who I am. And shame...so ashamed to have all the stuff I have in me.

And gosh, this is nothing new. I have had this since high-school..earlier...it's stuff I know how to work on...it's stuff I worked through with Holly...though a lot of it has reactivated since she disappeared...my point is that...this is NOT a discovery...I know about this stuff. BUT...damn it....when I feel it...it is SO DISGUSTINGLY strong...IT takes over every part of me...all my past...all that I did or was done toward me (and I can't fully accept that it was done TO me...not yet...)...but all the lies...the LIES I told and the stuff. It is making my skin crawl right now.

It's why I medicated myself with beer every night.
It's why I cut myself...over and over again...not in the regular way...but in like a beating myself way
It's why I made myself throw up...stick my finger down my throat til it hurt...til I cried...and forced it all out til my belly had nothing else to wrench out.
It's why I still occasionally do...because that's one thing I can't let go of.
It's why I wanted to die... one too many times...almost close enough...why I tested the very edge of it...
It's why I was diagnosed with this thing...why I have to take fucking medicine every...single...day.

I have NO IDEA why I am supposed to be writing this right now. If it was my choice I wouldn't...maybe I'll figure it out later. But I am so scared. Because I WANT to be a good person...I really try...I do good things...I WANT it...but this "stuff" starts beating me.