Life's the Race

I'm having a hard time today.  I really am.
I have this "born with it" stuff...that will never go away
some days are good, other days are bad..
But OTHER days...I just get tired of trying..
I get tired of my personality...
of my wants..
of my needs
Feeling like it's just too much..

And knowing deep deep deep in my heart
that I will just keep pushing through anyway
because I ALWAYS do!

That just makes me want to give up more

People often call on that metaphor
that life is like "Running a Race".
It's true. 
But for me it feels like there is way more to it than that.
the purpose, the trials, the pushing,
the mind, the outcome...etc
it just seems different than "The good'ole race"

In x-country, in HS,
on the starting line..with hundreds of girls
waiting for the gun...watching the guy raise the gun
hearing the shot go off...

I would literally ball..like a baby..
every muscle pushing me to leave
the first mile...I would cry...
my heart would clench to the size of a pebble
needing more air than my lungs did.
But I would push and push...and stop crying
suck it up...look at the girl in front of me...
force my legs ..one muscle tightening..
next step..next muscle ..to pass her by
and no time to think before I saw another set of feet in front of me
AGGGHH! I'd scream inside...
tears come out...heart clench
and then one leg...push the dirt behind me..
muscles tight...pass another girl by.

I would go and go and go like this...
heart clenching between each girl I had to pass
and miles later...entering the chute...
there's a big screen with numbers..counting our time...
thousands of people on each side...
coach yelling..."push it push it!!"
5 girls to sprint by for a Medal...
7 girls left to beat...to get a trophy...
10 girls...10 out of 200+...to have my name in the paper
my heart clenched to the size of a mustard seed...
barely nothing flowing..muscles pushing so so so hard...
cross the tape....get my number count....
past the rope...hide under a tree...
and cry like a baby until my heart was back to size

Looking at the medal in my hand...
Exhausted...thinking...
"This is the shit I have to go through if I want a medal"
But the medal makes me feel worth something
"This is the shit I have to go through to be worth something"

Everyone else...all my friends...
Why don't they feel this 
when the gun goes off they just run...

I want to JUST run!