Ouch.

Amazing.  I just get so surprised at my feelings
I don't know why I'd be surprised
the feelings are always there
but...everytime they pop
it's like a whole new experience

Drop something into a pan of boiling oil
a tiny pinch jumps out of the frying pan
it stings your arm
it's so little and so painful
it shocks you
you pull back
you shout, "Ouch"
Unless no one is around..then you just shout it in your head
You SHOULD hold your arm under cold water..
but you're a hurrier...you hurry too much..too fast
"You"ll handle the pan more carefully"...but not really
You put your bare hands back on the handle
dropping more stuff for frying.

That's how it took me by surprise
Planning something with my Papi this morning
throwing it in and having that pin-prick sting

Of course, it's different with feelings
Feelings carry a history of stuff.
the surprise was like a stinging splash of oil
But...the inner stuff that happens when the past pops out
That's more like a charlie horse on my heart
and drinking a glass full of vinegar.

Madeleine and I are supposed to go for vacation to Puerto Rico
Our yearly trip to visit my Papi...my family...brother..
the lil Teresa digging my feet into the old sand
This is the first year, though, where there is no flexibility..
I have one week then mayhem until Christmas..

The details are too much to explain
my Papi didn't plan for me to come
it complicates my family's schedule
he's unwilling to take days off...
even though he only works for himself
AND the trip we were supposed to take while there
Well...when I called just now..they were on that trip.

There's so much stuff...rejection stuff
and if you know my history then you'll know why.
but put anyone's divorce stuff, separation from dad stuff
family stuff...and I guess it still makes sense.

Ultimately, the point is...that...well
that even ONE little conversation can create this stinging disappointment...
this sparking, instantanious, take-my-breath,
"charlie horse in heart", grease splash...
and though it hurts and surprises me..
I stick my hands back near the handle
and throw more stuff in the fryer.

I'm gonna go flush the tears out for a while
and then Ill call him back and replan.