The beach

Yesterday was an interesting day. Went to the beach with the girlfriends.
The first thing that came up was the body issue thing
Gosh...I find my body alien and gross now. 
I used to be so thin...and then...well this...
And that hurts...inside and out.

Then, this whole thing about phoniness came up.
My friend Danielle and I always have a "child-like" blast together
I'm 32 years old...and I had a "slumber" party with her the night before
I was revved up for a crazy fun drive to the beach
Doing the robot..laughing..typical..not-caring type real stuff
But then my other friend arrived...and the whole thing changed
And Danielle became this totally different person
and I love my friend Leanne...but she "knows everything" and won't shut up about it
So it got old real quick
And then it brought up a whole thing about my OWN talking...
how much I want to be listened to, too
.
Then there was this lonliness thing at the beach
this childish anger about the whole thing
so I drew...and took pictures...and read...and swam
and over-thank (or thunk..IDK)...and pity-pooped
none of it stuck though

Then...OMG...just as we were going to leave...
A shark appeared...what an event
and the naked people appeared from the next beach over.
And there were more dangling hairy penises than I have ever seen in one place
it didn't make me feel uncomfortable
It's just that penises suddenly became so unsexy
and there were breasts everywhere. 
And I was ok with that.  Breasts are beautiful.

So then this sex thing came up.
How I haven't had sex in almost two years
And then a masterbation thing came up
my appearance..and sexual worth
And it sort of went full circle back to the body thing

And there was an argument with another car on the way home
and irrational yet comedic anger popping out
and THEN we FINALLY did the robot...on a sugar high
everyone got crazy...and it was finally real to me.

Each one of the above paragraphs can evolve into whole books for me
So....I started thinking about how everything...every moment has an emotion.
Is that good or bad? Are whole books about momentary happenings..is that a good thing?
Maybe I need to just not think so much...Just "BE" rather than "FEEL"

I LOVE that I know how to FEEL so much
I LOVE how much I SEE in life
I LOVE my honesty...my "realness"..the lack of phoniness
I LOVE that I sometimes write it out

But maybe I just need a BLANK day here and there
A "NOT-Thinking-Feeling-Seeing-Writing" type of day.

HA!!! and that's what I KNEW I needed yesterday...
SEE!!! I ALREADY knew that!!
I didn't have to write this all out...or think all that out
My heart KNEW I needed that...and wished for that.

I didn't GET it...obviously...the whole Danielle thing threw me off it
BUT the point is that I KNEW it BEFORE I wasted all this time thinking it through
I need to trust my "self-awareness" more.

Not sure I would have stayed home instead...
probably would have gone and pouted anyway
But that's a different lesson, huh?