Appreciation or Recognition

Buckle up cause it's probably not the appreciation you were thinking.

I've got this part of me out lately.

She's causing me all kinds of frustration.

You see...she's agonizing over appreciation

knowing it's something to grow out of.

To a co-worker:

Are you that unconscious?

are you seriously that unaware?

that I just gave you an hour of my life

that you just talked about yourself and only yourself

and then walked right by as you asked others to lunch.

To the girls in my class:

I was up til 4 AM...

turning  your meager nonsensical bullet points

into a mind-blowing multimedia presentation

and watched you put the class to sleep by reading each word

and I took my turn and spoke with passion..woke the class up

BUT...forget the thank you and tell me I left a line out of your slide

Seriously???

To my friend:

We share so much...I share my heart...I hear yours

then listen to you blow my advice

and then watch you "figure it out"

but you credit someone else

Where's my props???

Isn't anyone watching?

and it knocks me off my feet

and my stomach burns as I swallow the resentment

and digest the loathing..

Seriously..Teresa...SERIOUSLY?

What is wrong? Don't you see something wrong with this picture?

Wait...I have to say..writing all that out just now

laying out each story and bitching about it "publicly"

Sadly, it felt good. Cause I'm mad

mad at them for being so selfish

mad at life for being so frustrating

mad at myself for being so arrogant.

Who doesn't like to bitch every once in a while?

But here's the thing.

1. Isn't it amazing that even though I bitch

Even though I feel that they WERE self-absorbed...

I am still sitting here thinking about it

processing it and wondering what my part is in it

Isn't that wonderfully UNSELFISH of you, Teresa?

Cause it would be really easy to bad mouth those people

Highlight their shittiness...and be "right" about it.

But I'm consciously looking beyond instead.

2. Wow...now I know...it's NOT about "appreciation"

Appreciation is something inside the other person...

something that doesn't HAVE to be spoken to be present

I'm sure that they, in their own way, valued my actions

I'm sure the appreciation part was floating silently in their heart

even though they may not be aware of it..

The "pay-off" was there...and everyone values a pay-off...

Nope, by definition, I'm talking about RECOGNITION

Hearing out-loud that they appreciated what I did.

Showing to me that they WERE aware of it....

Ahhhh the fact that I actively SEEK recognition

THAT's the real thing I need to sort through.

I can place the onus on them...but the NEED

well..selfish or not...the NEED...That's MY stuff.

I'll figure it out...eventually...

it maybe temporary...

I may be craving recognition bc of other frustrations right now

but...look...the wonderful thing is that I am willing to look at my part

I'm mad...and that's ok..considering...

but really...my willingness is actually really UNSELFISH.

Way to go, me!...lol...

I'm gonna recognize myself right now...lol