Letter to myself

Sometimes, like today, I look back at my journals, my emails, my drawings, all the stuff that has made me me and has gotten me through interesting times.  Tonight I found this...and Wow did it hit a place in me for today.  What a great message to myself.

Dear Me.,

U have to regain control of ur life. It feels too much like it is occurring outside of you. You're losing yourself the way you did when you were married to Andrew...the way you do still when he's around. Be selfish for good reason..if you need to take time for you..do it. But don't let others take over responsibilties so that you can waste the time away..that's stealing time from yourself and from others. Not everything you do has to have a grand purpose....but be sure everything you do has some type of productive value. You have begun your pattern of destructiveness again.
I can feel that I hit upon an already bruised area when I mentioned losing yourself. It is true. You have worked hard over two years to regain your sense of identity...to rely and trust in yourself..to face yourself and be gracious.

Don't lose that. I warn you because I remember what it did to you before...and because when you look into the mirror lately, I see the old dis-ease. I want you to be happy...to enjoy life...but more than anything I want u to be within yourself...be your own strongest power..your own most wonderful person..I want you to look in the mirror and see the person you trust over anyone else. You worked so hard for that...abandoning yourself at a time when there is so much hope ahead could really put you in a worse place than you were before. I know you feel like everyone has abandoned you..and I'm not going to begin to argue for or against that reasoning while you are in this mindset. Whether they have left you or not, DO NOT abandon yourself..though you feel neglected, do not neglect yourself.

Hey..you remember that whole thing about how when you're in an this out of control state..those times that you truly abandoned yourself..completely isolated yourself from me...do you remember how out of reality you felt..spinning in the crashing waves...the distorted window you made?? Does it sound familiar? It is scary...but you have gotten beyond that before..and when you were on the other side you were able to see how irrational you had been. You NEED to make that choice now, before you lose yourself again..before you forget your beauty and your strength...while you still can recall the peace it brought you to.

Teresa...you have got to take control.!!! We both know that this needs to take PRIORITY above all else...because if you don't get yourself to that mirror seeing that person you trust..if you don't go pick yourself up....then nothing else is going to feel good. We'll go backwards instead of forward. Get back to yourself at all cost..whatever it takes..go visit Nashville..get on that plane..tell everyone to fuck off for a while..refuse the money...Teresa, I can't stress it enough... nothing matters more right now than regaining that sense of self-identification.

Girl, I KNOW this is really hard for you to do. I will never expect you to be perfect. But for both of our sakes, continue making progress. When you are really stuck...and all you want to do is sleep or cry or stay up worrying...remember my voice...hear me telling you that you can do it...that you need to get over yourself..get off your ass and do the next right thing. Yeah..do all those fucking cheesy sayings you hate to love...lol!

I want to be sure that you know before I finish writing..that I DO NOT think you are a current messy shit. NOT AT ALL!! Dude, think back to three years ago. Fuck almighty..the difference is amazing. Even in your worst moments...like the one you had today..even at your lowest...you are 100x more healthy than you were back then. I am always seeing you do these little things to help yourself up..to make healthy choices. You think I'm not looking..lol..but I see you applying all of the techniques you have learned..and when I do, I want you to know that I am smiling and giggling because you truly have come so far. Nope, I am absolutely not saying the shit you think I am saying..(lol..that sounds kind of ridiculous)...all I'm saying is that I see you are struggling with stuckness..I see it getting harder and I want to help you catch it before it takes that giant leap over the edge.

I love you. I am proud of you. I hear you saying..like when others say with pity that you are going through so much..I hear you that you don't want to use that as an excuse..that is awesome..cause you know that rational Teresa sees this move as an exciting moment in life...I hear you and feel free to keep reminding me that you don't think this is overly-stressful. No..we both know that the actual battle is the one inside you..the one that you would have to fight regardless of where you are and how antagonistic the outer elements are. So let's get that strong ass biatch back in charge. SHE is awesome!

Ok I've said enough and hopefully made my point. Listen to our voice more frequently, ok? I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You are thebomb.com..lol..smile biatch. And get some sleep..so we can take on the new day.

Love you,
Me