The Concoction

I'm here...and stuff is happening...from the middle of my belly button...up to like my sternum...and it sticks there for a little bit before it makes a diagonal turn to my heart. Talk about mindful...I close my eyes and that is EXACTLY where I feel it.

So. I'm thinking about it...and I felt for some reason that I could explain it to you and that for some reason...I should explain it...or there's a purpose I don't know about...that is pulling me toward the computer. I don't know why. But here i am...not really sure about it...kinda sick about it....but it'll pull me all day long if i don't...

And...the only way I can describe is: When I was little (maybe you did it too) I would hide in the bathroom with a cup or bottle and I would start mixing everything I could into it. Gosh...there was toothpaste and shampoo and conditioner and lotion and baby powder...hemorrhoid cream...lol...if it was there...and nail polish and nail polish remover and everything from every drawer, box or cabinet that I could find...maybe I would even put ketchup and mustard before I went in to the bathroom. And I would stir it. and there was this feeling...I won't forget the excitement of it...that if I put enough things in there...that there would be some kind of explosion...or at least some bubbling...or something...so I would cap the top and shake...and nothing would happen...all I had left was this useless concoction that stunk and that could probably get me in trouble. Gosh...the thrill faded soooo fast and I'd pour it down the toilet.

The thing is ...here is this day....it's absolutely amazing outside...I have had nothing to do all day for the first time in a while...Luna is proud and happy...I have my grades now...and I still have a 4.0 half way though my program...i have good friends...a new one who just did the most caring thing I could imagine.

Despite all that good stuff... you know what I feel? I feel that stuff...like that sticky messy concoction...creeping from my belly to my heart.
What I want to scream is WHAT THE FUCK!!

The thing....is that this "stuff" is some truly ugly, disgusting stuff. And why, of all the days, does it have to creep out today...I don't know. BUT there it is...and it is horrible ..just disgusting...It is a pure, absolute, self-HATRED...just despise who I am. And shame...so ashamed to have all the stuff I have in me.

And gosh, this is nothing new. I have had this since high-school..earlier...it's stuff I know how to work on...it's stuff I worked through with Holly...though a lot of it has reactivated since she disappeared...my point is that...this is NOT a discovery...I know about this stuff. BUT...damn it....when I feel it...it is SO DISGUSTINGLY strong...IT takes over every part of me...all my past...all that I did or was done toward me (and I can't fully accept that it was done TO me...not yet...)...but all the lies...the LIES I told and the stuff. It is making my skin crawl right now.

It's why I medicated myself with beer every night.
It's why I cut myself...over and over again...not in the regular way...but in like a beating myself way
It's why I made myself throw up...stick my finger down my throat til it hurt...til I cried...and forced it all out til my belly had nothing else to wrench out.
It's why I still occasionally do...because that's one thing I can't let go of.
It's why I wanted to die... one too many times...almost close enough...why I tested the very edge of it...
It's why I was diagnosed with this thing...why I have to take fucking medicine every...single...day.

I have NO IDEA why I am supposed to be writing this right now. If it was my choice I wouldn't...maybe I'll figure it out later. But I am so scared. Because I WANT to be a good person...I really try...I do good things...I WANT it...but this "stuff" starts beating me.