From the Outside

You ever look around you and wonder,

"Who are these people?" 

and you have that sort of Truman Show moment 

and you think everyone around you is just in some other realm....together...

that you don't know?

I've been having that feeling a lot lately. 

And it's weird, 

because I am very aware that it's a "the world revolves around me" thing. 

A four year old thing...child thing..

where you think you are this important thing

that everyone else is there to either please you or disturb you. 

Or....maybe it's more like a whole conspiracy...

where everyone in the world knows your life 

and plans things behind your back...

that when you think you are keeping something secret, 

the whole world actually knows. 

Yeah...like the Truman show...just like that.

And then the other day...in my therapist's office....

she has this doll house

and i was talking about how i feel...

and I thought about that doll house filled with people...

people walking around doing things...

people talking and getting ready to go places...eating breakfast...etc..

and I was sitting on her couch 

watching the doll house from the outside...

like this big ogre...

and wanting to shrink and squeeze into that house. 

So, it was like the complete opposite of the "Truman Show" feeling.

The thing is,

I can't remember what it feels like to think of life as neither of those two images. 

Can't remember life as a completely just plain life.

I think I'm tired of my Mandalas...or "circle art"...

I think drawing them was so nice for when I had just arrived here...leaving Nashville

for when my feelings were capable of exploding all over

like shrapnel hitting everyone around...

The "circle art" helped me keep that stuff expressed but contained.

Suddenly I find myself with nothing to fill the circle with...

so...what next? 

OMG!!! I just had a super...overwhelming...thought...

I'm gonna try drawing on the outside of the circle...

keep the circle blank and draw everything out...

I know all of this ties together somehow...

I was hoping I could tie it all together in some psychoanalytic way. 

But I sorta think you get what i mean...right?

I think I need a goal...a things outside of my master's degree...

something separate from all that stress and work....

something personal to achieve...

I gotta figure this out.