Jealousy

Ugh...jealousy...it comes straight from deep in my belly...it tumbles my heart around...come to my throat and then vomits out in this irrational anger.  What does it say about me, though.  I would never have thought that before...but really, whatever it is I am jealous of...what is it saying about how I feel about ME.

So..like I often do...I start with looking up the actual definition of something before I decide on its meaning toward me.

jeal·ous   /ˈdʒɛləs/ Show Spelled[jel-uhs]
–adjective

1. feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages
2. characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.
3. solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something
4. fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

Ok...so in this case I am jealous of a person...of a really good person...of a person who has done so many amazing things for humanity.  I am resentful because someone I really respect loves and adores this other person.  My friend was overwhelmed by this other person...raved...said that she was the most wonderful person she has EVER met....was so happy to get to meet that person face-to-face.

Looking at the definitions I think...hmmm...what am I guarding? Well...this friend of mine...this friend that I am truly respectful of...well she is just a barely new friend...a relationship that is just developing itself.  So, I'm not sure I really have anything to guard...not sure I even have a good enough relationship with my friend that I have the right to guard it.  I think this is one of the biggest things I am jealous of...that this OTHER person comes in and has that wonderful admiration...but I don't...I haven't proven to be wonderful enough. My friend doesn't think I'm wonderful enough.

WHY am I so worried about this? Am I THAT bad of a person that I think badly of someone just because they are "better" than me? do I think I'm not worthy?

No...I just want to be seen as worthy.

What about the other part of the definition...fearful of losing affection or position...fearful that I've been superseded.  But, is there not enough admiration to go around?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I seem to NEED to be special.  I want to be special to someone....I want that so badly...but why?  I only seem to feel good when others think I'm special. 

Yes...I have heard it millions of times..."you have to love yourself"...why is it so hard to grasp that concept.  The idea that I could feel special all by myself just seems ridiculous...how can I know I'm special if someone doesn't tell me?  I tell Luna all the time how special she is.  Parenting encourages us to praise and let them know they are different.

But would I NEED to feel special only when other people are around.  If I were alone on an island, it wouldn't matter if I was special...because there wouldn't be anyone there but me.  Special has to do with other people...

Ugh...I'm so confused about all this.  I don't have the answers...and I wish I was on a deserted island so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

I'll have to think about it some more and journal about it later.  I want to understand it...I really do.