Giving it a voice

Figures...I'm in the race for weeks...

not really looking up at the stars or even down at the ground

just speeding straight forward for weeks with work and school and everything
and then I stop for a breath...
and all this stuff emerges
I'm sure I'll be back in the race in the morning
but for now, everything that's going on around me seems so vivid and detailed
wild

I saw this profile picture

and it really hit me inside...on top..and everywhere

It so reminds me of this one drawing I have ("Release"...on the right column)

about cutting...and the odd relationship one has with it
it just sorta bopped my gut
and that's sorta good....cause I am really so dead set on this race
and I love this race...and it keeps my thoughts whirling in a good place
but when I get to therapy, I spend a half hours pealing the tough skin off
before I let out what's inside...

Today I got to the inside
And it was strange in there

I coped in many ways, but two pop out the most right now.
Throwing up and Cutting
Today I was trying to explain why…
And this is how I explained it

There’s gravel inside me…
my body is full of heavy gravel,
the kind that you see on a driveway…
cheap grey gravel.

It weighs me down deeply and it hurts as it moves around in there
As I walk and feel…
Sometimes it gets so so heavy…so I throw it up
I never binged when I threw up..there was already too much gravel in there
No room for anything else…
When I threw up suddenly there was space in me…I felt lighter
That’s why I threw up…to have less gravel
And that’s why I don’t eat sometimes
Because it makes it feel like there’s some space in my heart
And that feels lighter

Now, the second coping…the cutting..
That’s different
The cutting was something that happened when the air in me steamed so hot
When my body wanted to explode with feeling
When it felt like I couldn’t explode….
When the feelings had to stay in there tight
With a big lid…Because life was there to watch me..spying to see if I was gonna be good
Then…I would cut…it was letting out a little explosion at a time.

The cutting was also about letting the hurt in me win
I think emotional pain often develops from these two fighting parts of you
I don’t think I could have felt such self-hatred if I didn’t know there was good in me too
There are pieces in me that feel so right…
Pieces that I think are right and true and honest…but misunderstood
Unfortunately, when the world thinks you’re not right, the mad part of you starts to win
This mad part of me bullies the self-love out of the way...taunting and teasing
No matter how much the good feelings cry for mercy,
The hate is fighting with an armada of real people
And to prove the good feelings wrong, the bully cuts…punishes the other away
So sad…the good feelings in me are part of this baby…a crying baby
The bully shoves the baby…pushes her in…tells her she’s wrong..
and cuts her if she gets out of line.

These days the baby doesn’t get out much
Partly because of the race and responsibilities
Partly because it doesn’t feel safe out there
And in a big way because the bully is out to get it.

This picture looked like the two parts of me talking
All parts of me talking…all of them
There’s good feeling in the pain
There’s trickery in the bully…when pain becomes love
There’s a baby inside and the bully was once a baby
It all hurts and feels good at the same time
It’s all so confusing

I’m here talking about it…writing about it
I tried to explain it today…
I let it cry…
All in the hope that I can figure it out
All so that it may help…
Even if it’s not for me to figure out..but someone else.

Tomorrow I will go back to the race
bright and early...very fast
looking straight ahead...in focus
forgetting the ground or the sky
the baby will be in there scared and crying
but buckled in tight
and time will pass where all there is is forward
But at least for today, all parts of me had a voice

Here's hoping you let your voices speak too