A reprieve

 

re·prieve [ri-preev] 

– noun

3. a respite from impending punishment

4. any respite or temporary relief.

A day that went well

No crying

Little anxiety

Less neediness

Minimal pressures

More confidence

Lots of laughs

and closeness with family

and maybe even just a little bit of self-love

I feel some relief today.  It was a rainy day and I love rainy days.  They really calm my nerves.  I let go of my thoughts...just for a while.  That felt good.  In fact, I didn't even feel it or recognize it until I sat down to debrief.  But it feels good.

It's scary to feel this way, though.  I worry that it will go away.  It's scary.  I think of all the things I need to get done.  It's scary.  And the scariest thing of all....is that rushing wave that knocks me to the sand as it all returns.  

OK...so I know the deal.  I need to enjoy the ride.  Think of this moment and that feeling.  If I did I may find some longer lasting happiness. 

I just can't trust it though.  Not yet....and that's why I call it a reprieve.  Because I hear the wave coming.  I can see it from the distance.  They're talking about it on the news.  The bills, the school, the family, the homework due, the internship.  And the feelings....the feelings are really really scary.

So here's my plan for now.  It hard to trust...just for now I'll allow myself that fear.  But what I WILL do is to find myself a surfboard...get on it...enjoy the ripple before the big wave...and at least when it arrives I'll have something to hold on to.