Mistakes

It is so hard to make mistakes
Not so much with little ones
But big big mistakes
the kind that show a huge failure in judgement
or when you failed to do your job well
or when you act without thinking
those are so hard to take.

I made a big mistake today.
In one day I fucked a lot of things up
I created something that wasn't even there
and now I have to fix it
and I'm so scared

The moment I realized I had made a mistake,
I began to shake, I wanted to vomit, my brain was on overdrive
I started to think of excuses
reasons
lies I could use

I wanted to vomit

My face got hot
I covered my eyes
I picture tomorrow in front of my boss
how could I explain it
how could I not know
Thinking of how I would take the beating
How I could humbly explain my ridiculous confusion
how irresponsible

I thought of all scenarious
of running away and not dealing with it
of coming down with some awful disease so that I couldn't get yelled at
of showing up and being fired
of lying, of pointing the blame, of excuses
I thought about nothing happening
no consequences
I thought about breaking into tears
of being yelled at
of saying I'm sorry
of how big of any idiot I am
if I could cry to my boss
what I could say
what can I say

So so scared
Because of a mistake
why are we so scared to fuck up

I had such fear
and then...I threw my hands in the air
because no matter how big a mistake is
it's done
it happened
over
fear isn't going to bring it back
lies aren't going to make it go away
worrying about the consequences isn't going to change them

The only thing I can do is to look deep inside
process how the mistake happened
and let it be.

THAT is the big, most important thing
the part that asks "How did it happen?"
The answer is very simple....
I AM TIRED...
I am so tired...
Im doing way too much
and the "too much" is not simple stuff
it is stuff that requires a lot of mind and emotion
and I don't have a lot of that to give right now
I am overwhelmed with emotion and hurts and losses
and I am overwhelmed with responsibilities
and that combination has exploded
so....I AM EXHAUSTED
inside, outside, mindfully, painfully

I need to take care of ME

in the end,
that is the only explanation that I can give
I made a HUGE mistake
because I am not taking care of myself
because...
I don't know how to take care of myself
but I have to learn