Nashville

I've tried to describe it so many times

the apartments..but walk-ups..more like condos...each building 8 units 

knowing your neighbors was unavoidable

It was gated...open...walking...and you felt safe.

Dawne, Ray and McKenzie next door

Mr. Micah (who passed away this past year) across the way

Mary and the kids next door...then Beth and the kids

Oh gosh...Richard...the little Korean boy downstairs who became a part of us

and Hamony..his grandma...didn't speak English..then his teenage sister moved in

and so they all basically moved in with us

Jolan...one of the most loving dependable friends I have ever known

I watched little Hanga..learn English..become a beautiful little girl

I watched Jolan's belly grow ...Barnabash..Vojk..

And my other BF...like as sister..we became adults..Vanessa
and her little Andrew..(11 yrs old now)

walking in and out like family...I needed family...they are family

I've only mentioned a small percentage of the people we loved there

Our apartment walked out to the pool...we were at the center of it all

Little BBQs by the pool became big parties.

The kids at the tennis courts or the path...playing

It was hard to feel alone....

there was always a light on

there was always someone there in an emergency

when I got sick...when I had surgery...whenever...

there was always someone knocking on the door 

and always a door to knock on

I didn't have to be anything or do anything

They didn't have to be anything or do anything

My girlfriends...they'd sit next to me...right up close on the couch...and just "be"

They loved me through all my drinking

They loved me through all the drama with Andrew

They loved me through all my insecurities...

Oh...how can I even begin to describe or name the OTHER friends

their love...the welcome-ness...MY friends...

my sober friends

I wish I'd known what I had

I think I knew I has something

just not as much as I do now.

I still say it...I still can't believe it....a YEAR gone by and my heart is still broken

We keep in touch...email...text...facebook...not as often as I need

I can't...I just can't

Vanessa called today...I finally picked up the phone...

I haven't wanted to pick up the phone

Catching up sucks...I like picking up as if nothing's different...

we can do that...after a while..

so we talked...and it warmed my heart...it's what I NEEDED...

but I can't...I can't pick up the phone...

I cried so hard....I can't do that to myself...I can't relive the loss...I hate the loss

Because it feels like Nashville is gone...that part of our lives is gone.

I keep saying we are going back...I'm adamant that we are going back

But I don't really let myself believe it anymore

because they may not be back...Holly won't be back...the comfort may not be back

I want it back so badly...and if it doesn't happen...the RE-Loss...it'll kill me.

I MISS NASHVILLE!! I MISS my old friends..I NEED it so much right now