Bad habits?

I just want to do what I like to do.
But when people are here, there's a magnifying mist in the air.
I think twice about everything I do.
self-conscious and phony and tied up.


Everyone is a bit different
Some people walk in a relaxing mist
others a spicy tingling feeling
and still others bring a backpack full of spearmint
waking me up with their presence


And then there are some....ugh
those who open the door and unavoidably blow in a dense fog
and they carry that fog to every room and they breathe it with every conversation
and although they don't announce their judgement, you certainly feel it.


Andrew is one of those people
I don't think he means it, I don't think he even knows it
and part of me is compassionate...
because I think he'd want to be different
Either way he triggers an apprehension


My breathing is thick in that fog
It's often hot and sticky and I feel trapped in it.
looking for my reflection in the mirror is impossible.
I start to look at myself through HIS eyes
and that's where it all falls apart.


Andrew is NOT a bad person.
He's kind and generally considerate
he is considerate when he knows he should be
he can be helpful and he loves his little girl immensely


there's a real quiet nature to him too
rarely watching TV...veggies with every meal
no candy..only wholesome "fun"
not very enthusiastic...he could win the lottery and tell you as a "By the way"
he says it's a lifetime of his own apprehension
where spoiling or treating yourself was too much love


I have to be something when he's here
and it's nothing like what I would be
If there's "free time" available, I plop myself in front of the TV
there's a plethora of cheesy Lifetime movies or exagerrated reality shows
I'm on the computer..I may sit in my PJ pants all day long
We may stay home the whole day...be lazy
order-in and there are maybe ice pops instead of veggies
oh who the hell am I kidding...
that describes most of our days off.


There's a judgement about all that when he's here.
too much TV and Luna shouldn't have that.
always having to get out of the house or have a plan.
and with the mirror thing,
I tell myself i have to look cute when he's here, get dressed
basically be everything he would want me to be


This time around I ignored my wish to be what was good in Andrew's eyes
I shook the impulse, and yet I found my discomfort impenetrable
and suddenly it hit me...
maybe I'M not proud of what I do and who I am
maybe Andrew doesn't pressure me to be different
maybe I just want to be more like Andrew.
maybe a part of me feels that my couch potatoeing and self-pleasing is wrong.


I can't think of any of my friends having the TV on all the time.
or staying home all day...even if it is to draw.
They always seem to be doing something when I'd rather not "do".
and when I hear of their dinners or drives to the city..or shopping trips
parents that talk about what they did for their kids that day...having to do something
or when I notice their blog entries are soooo much shorter...lol
I feel incredibily self-conscious and sloth-like.


Would I be a better person if I were different?
If I want my life to be healthier, if I want to be happier, if I want my life to improve
should I change my habits?
am I ultimately perpetuating the negative in my life if I'm not being the positive?


The answer....well...pretty much the same as always
1. PERCEPTION:
    I don't know what my friends are actually doing...
    maybe I'm seeing them as more than what they are...
    maybe they are that "healthy" but wish they could relax more the way I do.
2. FIND THE BALANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Yes, I DO want better habits and the health/happiness they bring
    But I DON'T want this drive for self-approval to become that baring down fog.


I don't know if it's possible for me.
It all goes back to that old belief system...
the need to be "better-than" what I am...
never satisfied that AM or AM doing enough.


There's one thing I DO know is different, though
I'm living a life of personal awareness
baring my honesty...even if I show my "less-than" side
and the healthiest part of me...
I am on a quest...to get closer to know my heart...
understand my brain and ger closer these answers...