OMG..It's been a WHOLE YEAR TODAY!

I was sitting here...thinking about how much I was STILL grieving Nashville

I couldn't understand why the grieving has come back so strongly this past week

Feeling like I would give ANYTHING to be doing all of this with my Nashville family

V called me..then G-chatting with Jolan...and I couldn't stop crying.

so I wrote here...earlier...about how much I missed my Nashville family

I took a breath and suddenly swallowed this jagged realization

It has been ONE WHOLE YEAR TODAY!

exactly TODAY!!

I ripped through my emails trying to find proof of that day.

I found something...and it took me back

the day I said goodbye, I had lunch with Holly...and was sooo sad to be leaving

BUT...that very night..one year ago...I wrote this to her:

Crazy day!  In talking with God, He gave me a good idea of what the day was offering, but, frankly, at 4am I would've  rather rip my eyes out through my ears than to rearrange my schedule to have ANYONE over. But He made it too clear...and you (Holly) were sweet enough to switch things around.  Even then I was dreading the awkward goodbyes to everyone. I wanted so badly to cancel. Especially when V arrived just as E was leaving..so much for my siesta. Then Jolan and the kids and etc. We started to put some more in the truck when I realized I wasn't even close to being done.

This is where the part of disbelief comes in. My friends, without hesitation, started putting things in boxes..taking shit apart..doin dishes! Then Andrew shows up and climbs into the 1000 degree truck and rearranges everything so we would have more room. Other friends started calling..and so it went..everyone laughing and joining and making fun of my procrastination the whole time.

So what is my point? I guess it just flat out amazes me that after all the shit I've done...how could I possibly deserve people that are this good to me...and that love me. I mean I have been pretty damn shitty with the depression and drinking and all. So how is it that so many people have stayed by me. Maybe not every second..but almost ALWAYS someone was on my side not giving up. And today..when hiding out in the apartment seemed like the perfect solution, God blessed me with continuous reminders that I am worthy of love..that people believe in me and love me..

from:

You [Holly], my closest ally in the past 2 years..

V, whose friendship was always changing but whose love was as dear as a sister's

Jolan,  my constant friend, most reliable one I've ever had..there at every major moment these 4 years

Emily, God's going away present for me teaching me that I can allow myself to be goofy again.

Andrew, through whom I learned acceptance...patience in my own and others' addictions..in letting go of control..and more than anything, that bad actions and choices don't necessarily come from bad intentions.. a lot of time are just the result of instability

Elizabeth: The perfect sponsor for my first year...no drama.. "don't complicate shit just don't fucking drink!!"

Jennifer: OMG! No clue if I could've made it this year without that family.

AND all the other people who have really opened themselves to me regardless of my uniqueness..my loudness..my intensity.

and little reminders of being appreciated through a cup of coffee... or a hug and a chocolate croissant..or trusting me with their life stories.

I am so grateful to God for this day. For allowing me to leave this place with final laughs rather than tears. For helping me reach a greater layer of peace with my new adventure.

You asked me this afternoon if I was excited...I really am..I'm goin to school for something I love..it was worth the wait..I may have done well as a PT or an MD or NP...or every other thing that I at one pt explored..because I am SO ABSOLUTELY SURE that I am exactly where I'm meant to be and am worthy of the happiness of being here.

Back to the present

How amazing is life...that when I needed this message the most...one whole year later...it was there to remind me.