Too much!

Not a good time...and I couldn't explain it...I couldn't capture it...

until I started writing this email...and let it all out..

I thought I couldn't make sense...maybe I still didn't..don't...

but reading back, i think it's clear enough for me

clear enough to describe the real feeling today

Here's an excerpt from the email I sent (I hope the recipient doesn't mind)
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THEN this pile of dung...no..not even dung...dung is too pleasant to describe this thing
oh WOW...that's it!! It's not a pile...it's a burn...or a cut...
and every time some new problem, or shitty consequence, or horrible reaction...or bad emotion
comes along it rubs itself in...(the majority of them over the past two weeks)
the burn gets redder and this sore gets deeper...

SO...just as I was going to send you a message
this welt...or sore...or whatever...it just imploded..
and played fiddle with every nerve in my body.

It has been way too much lately.
trying to soothe every sore..all over...
almost like I've tried stitching every one of them up...
but i just can't

I went to bed knowing it was going to be a tough day.
Couldn't find anyone to take Luna to camp...

or I could drop her off 45mins earlier and she'd have to wait by herself.
Couldn't find anyone to pick her up...or she could walk the half mile home and wait for me.
Have a court case...about this debt...and I can't take care of it...
Realizing that my family may not be as pretty as it seems...or as pretty as you'd expect it to be...

and my heart knows it and feels it...but my mind has told it not to...bottling
My friends...shit...what friends...they are so self-absorbed...

I've never felt more alone...
alone with all my feelings
alone with all my issues...alone when there's some crisis
alone with parenting...
alone socially...
alone with my finances...
without someone to talk to about it all...even when I pay them..I'd pay a million dollars to have Holly back.

And OMG!! the worst part of it all...is that I can't even speak it...

I've had a really really painful time communicating, expressing my feelings....

I can't seem to get anything across the right way...
I can't even write it out well lately...NOTHING...
everyone seems to misunderstand me...or I'm just suddenly this awful person...
even when I am trying to say the nicest thing or the biggest compliment...
somehow...it just comes out upside down and backwards and like karate chopping or something.
I'm scared to talk now...which means I'm holding in a lot of stuff

That's where that silence stuff came in...thought maybe God was asking me for that silence
but it just seems impossible...when I'm meeting all day with people...and then Luna...

and then having to negotiate schedules...oh...and ask people for help!!!! Holy cow...
such a horrible feeling when you always have to ask for help
it is just really demoralizing...especially when there's no one to ask

Just too much stuff...

I woke up with allllll kinds of insecurities this morning...
I'm not a good parent...I get angry with her...expect her too much...

Don't put dinner on the table...barely out the door with a bag of cereal.
There's psychologists and PHDs at work that are 7 years younger..

I have a year left and I won't even have a doctorate

I've made a mess....a big old welt of a sore laden, half stitched mess.

and the final thing that frustrated me...just happened as I was writing you back a quick note....
and BAM!!

You know that feeling when you suddenly just hate the entire world (maybe you don't know)
where everything turns sooooo black...
when all your problems and feelings and shit become thick rubber balls that are let loose and just flying and bouncing around your insides
and when you say to yourself "I FUCKING QUIT!!" 

and as you're saying it you are SOOOO convinced that you actually mean it.
that was the BAM

I don't even think all of what I just wrote came out right or effectively...
ahhhhhh!!! (clenching fists)

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That's how I feel today, guys...just too much...

I'd give anything for a magic wand

I'm mad that God didn't make a few magic wands and hide them around

I'd be looking for one right now.