Pushing out

Lonely is a big neon sign for me today

I like my loneliness a lot of the time...it helps me get to know myself better

plus...I like that I have to make my own choices..

and i think I'm the only one that understands me

sometimes being with someone is lonelier than being alone

especially when you like yourself.

so I guess the fact that I apreciate my alone time shows that I actually do like myself.

Ha!! so there...self-esteem doubters!

But being along when your doing stuff...well it feels like no one cares

when no one is calling or texting or asking or bugging

that's what feels lonely

so...wow.. I guess the loneliness comes from not knowing if people care

more than it does from being physically near people.

I don't always like being around people...that's a lot of work

but I like knowing people care..

so...today I feel alone.

I also realized something that I think I've been in denial about

probably not a big surprise to most of you that know me well

I'm pretty outgoing...friendly...crazy...the first to know everyone

did I say crazy...ish

BUT....after a while...I start being something "else" - ish

not sure what "ish" is...but now I know its purpose

to push people away...to get them out...

cause I don't want the pressure...

I love to love...don't get that part wrong..

the pressure is not in giving...it's in finding out that

no one cares...

ah...I don't know...I'm rambling now...jumpin topics...stream of conscious stuff.

Despite all this talk of lonely,

I do feel better...a little better.

writing made me feel better...

and since then, I have been writing in my head...

all day today...blogging my head into a book...lol

and here I am writing and saying NONE of what I was really thinking about