It's back and I'm going to share it...

Here it is...the truth...

I think I'll call it BP

It's come to take over again

It's the ugliest thing I can imagine

It's sitting in a lawn chair under a dark shadow

It chokes me and pulls my hair and pushes me around

It's the wave I was riding

and it pulled me under and thrashed me about

I couldn't breathe...desperate to find myself up

and when I did come up...I had no idea where the shore was

That's always been the fall back way of describing it

But...some people have never been to the ocean

and so I guess that'd be a hard metaphor to follow

I learned that letting it ride was better...

easier...than struggling.

It was going to happen regardless...

God made me this way...

just let it be...appreciate the pain...use it.

Yep...that's better than fighting it.

Until I realized how molested I felt

by just lying down and taking it.

Even physically molested...dirty.

I know...please trust me...I know

EVERY time BP drives up

I get in line for the thought change train.

I'm first to get those tickets..

This is something different.

This is the most awful feeling

It is the ultimate isolation

This is BPD II...this is DSM 296.89

It IS sooo Isolating

that is why I am exposing it

on here...even though I'm more scared

than I have ever been sharing...me

well-meaning friends just say...

"Just think good thoughts...positivity"

but that's like telling someone with sunburn that they are sunburned

we give it that strength every time...with our whole hearts

I know there have to be friends of mine

who wonder...and don't understand

I want to shrivel up

as I post this...

but I KNOW...there HAVE TO be people

out there...hiding it...convincing themselves

lying and isolated...

I want to be brave for them too!

I'm a therapist!! I have it...!!!

I'm going to use my life to share it

I'm gonna share it for people who don't want to

I'm gonna talk about it for people to understand it...

I'm gonna talk about it and answer questions.

even when I'm at my ugliest...even when you wanna be ugly too

I think that's what I'm supposed to do.

Now I wanna vomit again..ugh

oh...btw...it's Bipolar II Disorder (BPD II)