Expectations

Taking this step...getting this out there

It's one of the scariest things I've done

But...my heart knows it needs it.

So, I started with those people who have encouraged me

who love me

who trust me with their friendship

and who have at some point..

given my "stuff" a safe place to be

This morning I was asked a very important question,

"Why?"

Boy...that took some thinking...

Up to this point the challenge was the bravery

Answers to the "Why?" were somewhere in there

but they just served to fuel the bravery.

It's out of my hands...lol...and

NOW..I get asked the "why?" question.

I was so scared to ask myself why

and what I feared most was finding some ugly intentions.

but you know what?

I can't tell you how good it has been for me to think about the "Why"

for today...

Here's what I came up with:

1.  Celebrating myself...my gifts...especially the darker ones...and having that lead to more self-love.

2.  Expressing my creativity.  It has taken me years to let that out.

3.  Allow and encourage myself to be vulnerable...worrying what people think is a battle that I always fight

4.  Letting other people (even complete strangers) into my soul

5.  Sharing my experiences with others...knowing and letting others know that we are never alone...despite how crazy we may feel.  Giving others' the forum to relate...even talking about it when they want.

6.  Giving back...so many people believe in me...and this is a celebration and expression of gratitude for that belief.  As well as me opening the door for other people in my life that may need someone to believe in them too

I'm trying so hard to create and write in a way

that most accurately and honestly reflects me.

Taking off the mask and breaking some walls

There's an expression.  "We are only as sick as out secrets"

I can't say that I'm going to put all my yuck on the surface

I have to forgive myself for a lot of it first.

But...I'm taking this opportunity to expose some of the yuck

some of the shame stuff

maybe let the writing spark the forgiveness.

Now...the second question was this:

In sharing this with my friends, what are you expecting?

Geesh...I got no breaks today...rough thinking.

and THAT one really took a lot of honesty and bluntness

Of course,

I want feedback

I want to feel encouraged

I want to build trust

I want to be challenged

and yes...you all are part of that expectation

I can't lie about that....no way...

There's this theory out there...

that Expectations are deadly for relationships

"People will constantly dis-appoint you"

ugh...I don't like to look at it that way...that's so scary

So...I discovered another way of looking at it.

I think Expectations are OK...in others...in yourself.

My expectations are my heart's way of showing me what I need in order to be strong.

and yes...some people won't be able to give that to me.

That's ok...it's what I DO when my expectations are NOT met...that's what is truly deadly

and that's when my faith comes to save the day.

Believing that people mean the best regardless

and that my need CAN and WILL be fulfilled even when I'm disappointed.

Thank you, Mary...for asking me why.