Exposed...

Being physically mindful of every part of my body
There's a pain in my chest...a dull ache that's making it hard to breathe and swallow
My body is aching badly...my arms and shoulders are especially bruised
I have some points that are pinching; behind each ear, the top of my head and the very base of my butt cheeks
my eyes are ready to shout...it's a very unique type of feeling. 
It feels like tears are wanting to burst out from the back of my neck..the top of my back.
Why they are emanating from back there, I don't know
My breasts hurt...a lot...they want to be touched and cradled in a very loving way.
I'm yearning for gentle affection.
I've always found this strange comfort when someone holds my ankles and arches
just like they'd hold my hand...and my hands feel alone
My female parts are pulsating...softly...with a shameful exposed discomfort.
I feel incredibly separated from my body
I'm very angry with it...I want to take it off of me for a while and put it to bed
Keep my brain and heart over here to work.
I really really want to be loved right now...just love for me.
not a pressured love..not a love that requires expectation...
definitely not an "all-eyes-on-me" love...
just a very relaxed presence.

I'm scared...I want to hide in a closet
When I was younger...even in my teen years, I found such comfort in tight hidden spaces
My depression was really embarrassing to me...
When we had company...on holidays...or drop-in's, I would prove my fantastic confidence
but like Cinderella's night reaching midnight, I would see my limit coming
feared it...and tried to disappear before the layer peeled off and showed the pain.
Everyone would come looking for me and I'd pretend to nap.
I want to hide somewhere really small and dark and cramped.

I'm admitting...honestly..to myself..that all of this..all this feeling..it's all my fault

I've been sad and lonely
I've wanted safety and familiarity...even if what's familiar is pain

I wanted him to come this weekend. That's odd...definitely odd.
We love each other...a lot..like siblings bicker and get on each others' nerves
we passive aggressively miscommunicate..
But we still love each other
When he visits Luna, he stays with us
we usually do family things..cook...hang out
staying in separate rooms, of course. (kinda like our marriage)

I was looking forward to him getting here
he kept texting from the road. Joking
It put me in a better mood.  It put me in a not so lonely mood. 
When he was an hour away I jumped in the shower..did the primp thing. 
It's been a long time since I primped
doing my legs and areas not usually pampered. 
I tried to convince myself that it was only for me...to take care of me...to feel better. 
But in a totally detached way, I started thinking and feeling something else. 
and well of course, I started thinking about "it". Oh man was that weird.


Fortunately, by the time I left the primping, I was rational and kind of grossed out. 
This is the man that hurt me...the guy that didn't want me...forgot to love me

I lied to myself.  I knew the hole...empty and sore and aching
I know he's never filled it...not interested in filling it...taunts me
It's a dance...as set-up as a house of cards....and he'd be happy to pull the piece that lets it fall.

I demean myself in trying...to get that love..I know I'll fail 
I do it because I want confirmation that I'm not worthy
and if by chance he decides to actually "want" me for a moment...sigh!

To be clear, this is not an every day desire.
In fact, I usually swallow his visits for Luna's sake
With all the love in the world, he repulses me...
because we're so different, because he didn't want me, because he drinks
because I'm a stronger, wonderful, sober woman.

So...this weekend...I clearly yearned to hurt myself...
to prove I'm all the bad things my mood has been telling me...
and guess what, I succeeded. Bravo to me..