Page 417 - Acceptance

When I remember it, I usually feel better
When I forget, I definitely feel worse
Most of the time I remember it but argue it
and that's probably the worst feeling of all.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems.
When I am disturbed it is because
I find some person, place, thing or situation -
some aspect of my life - unacceptable to me.
And I can find no serenity until I accept
that person, place, thing or situation as
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing occurs in God's world by mistake.
Until I accepted my alcoholism, I could not be sober;
until I accept life completely on life's terms I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

This was the first paragraph I ever read of the Big Book.
Holly read it to me in her office way before I stopped drinking
And when she let me keep her Big Book, it was the only highlighted page.
Sitting in this meeting, I picked up the BB and flipped straight to the page
it's been so long that I couldn't even remember the number 407? 413? oh 417!
The same feelings came back...like a warm wave of water running through my veins

You know this...Teresa...You get this!

No....I don't...not completely.

I am sooooo resistant lately.
I don't want to let go...of anything.

I have ALREADY accepted so much of what life wanted!!!
and it has hurt me really really badly...so I want it my way now.

Nope, Teresa...you really haven't accepted shit!
You did what life asked of you...even when it hurt...
yes...that you DID do...
BUT...
you didn't ACCEPT life on it's terms.

All I did was TOLERATE it...
there is a huge difference there.

Tolerance:  enduring something...involves permissiveness

yes...that's EXACTLY it!
I have been "enduring" the pain of moving, losing...of other people letting go of me
and I have given life "permission"  to act on "my" life this way...
I'll let life do what it wants for now... but I maintain control,
and I'm apparently giving life permission until I can no longer endure.
Like now...when I feel I can no longer take it...
I hate this situation...I don't like this place...and definitely people that I'm upset with
so I'm needing to take back control...cause life did a "bad" job with what I gave it...
Yeah right! (sarcasm)

That's why I STILL feel like shit...
that's probably why it still hurts so badly...

Tolerance is NOT the answer
What I NEED TO DO is to ACCEPT!

Acceptance: act of taking or receiving something offered...favorable reception
...ASSENTING or BELIEVING!

Ha!

I haven't taken what life is offering...
I haven't assented to shit!
and that means that I certainly don't believe in it
I need to do a good job with what LIFE is giving me...

whatever is happening in my life..
whatever changes have been made
whatever I have been hurting about
whatever is going on in someone else's life

It is all happening exactly how it is supposed to happen
even if it hurts...cause sometimes acceptance hurts..