Slowing Down Thoughts

It all happens at once
It happens so suddenly
my thoughts race and race

the conscious effort toward mental awareness
toward profound growth
to be attentive to my thoughts and feeling and actions
to love myself

it just becomes TOO much...overwhelming to be SO constantly aware
so much that I slide down to the ground or cover myself up
afraid to turn around or lift my head
afraid of how brightly the world reflects all of my imperfections

I have pushed forward through those imperfections
Energized by the goodness in my heart
Fueled by this passionate desire to offer the best of my heart

but pushing and pushing and climbing that hill
it's so so so exhausting
too tired to slow my thoughts

It's a trap...

and right now....this week...this moment
trudging through my peanut butter river...
I've fallen back...on my hands...up to my knees
stuck..

I cover up...I sit...and watch and let everyone keep walking by
feeling unworthy...too weak to walk with them
and no one stops...who wants to stop...lose their momentum
who the hell would want to pick up a girl that's up to her head in peanut butter

trapped...nothing scares me more than being trapped
if you want to see me freak out...put me in a room and hold the door closed

my heart beats so fast ...I FREAK

stuck in the peanut butter river...I FREAK
I think about it all...so fast..through my head.
I SCREAM...I have to get out!!

It's too much....so I cover up...hide...make excuses...and cry.

THEN....something big hit me..

if I'm always working so hard to better myself
if I'm so consciously aware of my thinking and feeling
then I can really miss the opportunity to enjoy who I ALREADY am.

can I possibly do that?
can I stop for a minute
and just enjoy the stuff I already am..

I DON'T KNOW...

I think it goes back to this "silence" message I wrote about before
I really want to figure that silence thing out

But...if I try to figure it out...if I want it badly enough
then I'm not really practicing the silence, right?

you see!!!! you see how crazy it gets up here
I HAVE TO slow the thoughts and the fears and the desperateness