Losing my bodega

I can't believe that it has been a whole year now

and I still talk about moving from Nashville

as if the loss were yesterday...

It feels like loss...really does..

There were very important women

who lent me their eyes when mine were glossy.

relationships with people who lived consciously..

not perfect and happy all the time..but aware..and accepting

Finding those friendships here has been a long process.

and a constant reminder of what I lost.

And of course, for those that know me really well, 

there was one particular loss that has been overwhelmingly painful.

I walk into my bodega after a week away from my daily routine

I'm smiling..waiting to hear
"Mi madre..que paso nina..te has perdido!! Where you been?"

Nope...not today...not anymore..
there was no Santiago..no Soireli..nope.
they finally went through with the sale

My heart dropped....

"What the hell? Now I lost MY bodega too!!!" :-/

Suddenly the other losses that I've been feeling came rushing to the crowd

the Nashville ones....people and places

My school adviser...possibly

I could lose her too...and was anticipating it

The loss of my Starbucks..mine.

the loss of TJ Maxx...the every day TJ...and Jonathans and Kroger..my Kroger card

the loss of my schools friends...just for the summer...but still felt like a loss

AND THEN it happened the guilt started taunting...the "negative self-talk" ...

     "What right do you have, Teresa?"

     These are just little simple losses

     People have much bigger things

     losing homes, jobs, family members...etc

     what right do you have to call this LOSS?"

I felt ashamed for bitching...

But this time I let the thoughts take a trip

through my brain and heart and spirit part.

Here's what came out:

There ARE big losses...sudden ones...that knock you to your knees

that are so surprising and cause this surge of pain all at once

Permanent losses...

There ARE also  losses that aren't as evident

that seem so little...they don't turn your life upside down

but they DO happen and they DO take your breath away..they hurt and make you teary

It isn't about the bodega being gone.

or the friendship being miles away

or the comfort of a community and familiarity

It's that they shift your life balance

and with more and more piling up

your balance...your center of gravity sends you for a spin.

IT's the LOSS of balance and security and the shift

that's what knocks you to your butt

Both are just as powerful...

I'm feeling the pain and loss that happens when life shifts

that's just as important...it really is...it really does hurt

Losing the balance has been really painful

Even after a year.

But that's OK

I'm still grieving...

and it could take years for me to feel settled again.

and that's ok too.