Stuck with the Solution

The roadblocks just kept coming and coming

They were like sneaky booby traps that were triggered

With every movement I made toward this vacation.

From the last day of work

And going and going

I wanted to smile, be positive, be kind…

The care, the frame, the tires

Breathe in patience, breathe out a solution

The paycheck, the debit card, the money it all cost to repair

Breathe in patience, breathe out gratitude

The ex-husband, the adjustment to Luna

The friend, the friend and the other friend

Breathe in patience, breathe out compassion and understanding

The ants, the lamp, the computer, THE BOILER

Breathe in patience, breathe out…

Well damn it…at this point just breathe out

At some point in my never-ending process of emotional growth

I adopted this idea about dealing with roadblocks

That healthy thinking meant I had to…

Fight off potholes in the road with a lot of patience

And positivity

And passive resistance

That the best and healthiest thing to do when things turned to shit

Was to just “focus on the solution”

Well, I guess I must have over-internalized this message

And made it “TRUTH”

That type of thinking has in fact worked well for me

It’s a total improvement from the “Old Teresa” thinking.

It’s a good way to be…I believe it

But this past week...it just wasn’t enough

The problem is in that “Focus on the Solution” part

I guess I assume that “solution” automatically meant DOING something

But I’m realizing that the solution doesn’t have to mean doing.

The solution could be to just…feel

This week, I didn’t let myself just FEEL the roadblocks

In fact, I sorta plowed through them like a zombie on speed

As we sat in our car ready to finally take off

Luna and I decided to make some gratitude statements

(trust me, driving off didn’t mean the end of the roadblocks…nope, they just kept coming)

Luna started off,

            “Why is it that no matter where in the car I sit, 
             the sun is always in my face.. 
             but at least there’s another side of the back seat” …lol

My turn. 
            "Well, it stinks that we stayed and extra day and waited by the door

             for the UPS guy to bring the new debit card..and he never showed up…

             but at least we’ll have to stick to the budget and we’ll save money

             and only have the cash in my pocket.”

Luna chimed in, 
            “Well, it sucks that we just discovered a cupboard full of ant covered food

             but it could have been mice or roaches or something worse!”

I thought quietly to myself,

           “ Yeah… it really sucks that after doing the paper work twice

             and not getting paid since May…and having to wait

             and had to go to campus on my first vacation day

             to pick up a measly little paycheck…and that payroll yelled at me!

             but at least I got to see how many “Higher-Ups” in the school

             are willing to go to bat for me…”

The list went on........

Until it got wayyy too long and sarcastic

But I have to say that it felt pretty good…for a while

I decided that it was going to be a new concept for me

I call it “Constructive Bitching”

I’m still figuring out the details.