Life happens...even on vacation.

Ah...the first day of my vacation...

I've really really been waiting for this...

The past few days my heart has been jumpin around like a little kid

asking all kinds of questions...like "are we there yet? what's it gonna be like?"

And my brain kept saying, "Almost...just a little longer...as soon as I finish this or that!"

The "this or that" list kept growing...but I was ok...cause we'd arrive here soon.

Life happens though...

My day was everything below the sky I'd hoped for

Payroll lost my paycheck....I lost my only debit card...

and then I wrecked my car on the way home.

Yes, I'm safe...but the car can't make a five minute drive

The first few hours...I had beams of patience

I surprised myself...was proud....a master of serenity

breathing...and really really proud

Watching my plans as they ran away, though..

it made my serenity chip...cracking little by little..

I took some tape to it..but I kept cracking

I WANTED to blow...I needed to...

but I wanted serenity too. and I wanted vacation.

I heard my inner voice singing gratitude that I was safe

my next paycheck will be bigger

and since I don't have my debit card, I won't waste $

I heard my inner spirit gently whispering patience

I heard my inner accountant banging on the door

I heard my inner child whimpering through disappointment

Not sure where I am right now

Stuck somewhere in that place between all or nothing.

No...wait...actually..not in that space...

that space seems like it might be OK..

at least if I was in that middle space, I'd feel both sides together

What I'm doing right now is more like jumping

back and forth from one side..far across to the other

getting really really dizzy.

It's a real struggle...

I want to do the right thing..be grateful..be patient..I was proud of that, remember?

but I also have this other stuff in me...worried...disappointed...ready to throw in the towel

The thing is that unless I stop jumping,

I won't be able to focus on the solution.