Idolizing REALLY good people...ugh

Mountains Beyond Mountains...a book about Dr. Paul Farmer.

a Harvard Med school grad (eventually)...who screwed the conventional BS

His soul grabbed onto the soil in Haiti (eventually other land as well) and was not letting go

He consented....well...without a choice.

Made a two room school house into a clinic..which eventually became a hospital..

which eventually drew up vision...which eventually became a mission...which eventually became

Partners in Health :  What ever it takes!  To heal...and to do it regardless of cost..

It was placed in my hands a few years back by a wonderful woman 

She spent years running a refugee camp in Rwanda

and, as always, at a very appropriate time.

In my previous life, I had planned a medical/public health future.

So when the need came...and a local church had a discombobulated medical mission planned

I jumped in classic Teresa-Style...and decided to combobulate (how is that not a word?)

The book gets very technical...which I loved at the time...but was also amazingly empowering

This morning we met with the English Dpt....this book is the freshman summer reading selection

And we discussed and discussed and discussed...

The reactions were pretty obvious... rational responses...this man was an inspiring man

with a huge heart...who gave...and gave...and gave...

who found worth in every person...and that's truly what he was driven by.

That's in me...big time...I have that vision...I always have...It's where I feel the happiest...

Ok...so here's where the honesty comes in...

I promised the other day that I was gonna bare myself in this blog....right?

As we were talking about Paul Farmer...and marveling at his amazing heart

his gifts...his bravery...literally quoting him from the book...quoting his quotes of the Bible..

I felt these...angry...frustrated...selfish...betraying...contradictory...impulses having a cage match in my heart

Part of it is that I have never been big on holding anyone to this heroic stature.

IDK, maybe it has to do with my fight on religion...that most religions hold someone in such high regard...

when in MY reality (and I am claiming only as mine...please understand that)

all the religious characters we have...they are all human...

AND they have the same Godliness that we have in us. 

Paul Farmer is human...we are human...

awe and idolize, we are making them stand out as different from us...

and that is a very dangerous thing to do...because it can be self-defeating...

A friend recently told me how she finds it hard to draw close to healthy relationships

because she finds that she can't measure up.

I've been thinking about that a lot...cause I certainly feel that way sometimes.

but using our god power in us...it doesn't have to mean being perfect...

it means living CONSCIOUSLY! sometimes even in an imperfect way.

You think this Paul Farmer guy never wanted to piss on the world?

You think it NEVER crossed his mind...or questioned his belief that all people are worthy?

I don't buy that for a minute. Mother Teresa admitted to questioning and doubting.

BUT...I can see myself...and college freshman especially...thinking...

"I can't be like them...I can't be that good...I have questionable thoughts...so why bother trying!"

We HAVE TO make sure that we send a different message..

that it is about using the god power in us consciously

that idolizing someone is making assumptions

and how can we truly decide that we're "measuring up" when we don't know the truth.

We don't know what this guy really went through...how his heart really felt sometimes.

we know what he did....and that's all that's important in us...

that we choose to do...and not that we choose to be perfectly unselfish

as we are awed by these people...so can we do ourselves.

we often spend so much time praising someone who doesn't event want to be praised

when we could be doing the very thing we wouldn't want someone to praise us for doing.

Don't get me wrong...I think there is valid reason for appreciation.

A guy that gives that much...deserves to be appreciated and recognized.

But there is a difference between appreciation and praise...recognition and idolization

OK...so here is the real bare me...please don't judge me

the final piece to this anger that was brewing during the discussion

obviously the most self-absorbed of all...

is that I DO want to be recognized

I want them to see I'm that good too.

There is a jealousy play in this crazy heart...

and ugh...no...I don't like it at all...but it's there...

I want to be recognized too...i want to be special