"New" you

Today was the first day of class.
First day of college for all of my students
we talked about the paradigm shift
High school life vs college, checkers vs chess.
We listed it all....tons of analogies...
"yes. yes. easy topic"...they said

They said they knew it...they knew what was going to be different
and I believed them...so I switched gears.

Ok...so you know what's different between HS and College
But what is different about this? " HS you" and "College you"

It's a clean slate...you've got the same heart
but you have a brand new opportunity to let everyone see that heart
to change the things that didn't work but everyone expected.
to decide what is important to you and what you want
not just what you want to be...but WHO you want to be and HOW you want to be it

I gave them each a piece of paper.
"This here is the new you...
Name one thing you love so much about yourself and never want to change
Name two things you want to start fresh on...so that you can be a better you"
They didn't show me...they wrote...sealed it in an envelope...
and won't look at them until Christmas

Gosh, I remember starting out college...
I went 1000 miles away from home.
and yet had no idea that I COULD be something different
I didn't even think of what I wanted to leave behind

Later in the day I led a Q & A for the fresh new faces in our Graduate Program
very first day for them...that was me...a year ago...
what did I change? what had I kept? had I shown my heart?

I've moved so many times...each one a clean slate
so many chances to try something new...
to be a better me without carrying over the heavy stuff
I thought about how no matter where you go, it's still you...
it's just the same me inside

There's more of me that I want to keep
and less of me that I want to change.

Cleaning the windows

I had an experience today that made me think
and I'm too tired to fully engage in everything I could learn from it.
so I'll just lay it out tonight...and think about it tomorrow

Madeleine's furniture was scheduled to arrive this morning
I took everything out of her room...all of it, and got to cleaning

She has 3 big windows in her room.
Old, tall, curved windows
With this house being so ancient, you sort of accept it
cracks and chips and splinters and layers of paint
and the windows...they are so old...you can't really get them clean

But today, with the room empty, I tried
I grabbed my bottle of super windex and roll of paper towels
I climbed out one window and onto the roof
I closed them and started wiping from the outside
Yes, there was some dirt...not much
"Huh, they looked much dirtier than that..."

I climbed back in, stepped back, expecting full-out shine
But it looked just the same...stained...dirty
sooo, of course, the perfectionist climbed back out
on the ledge...scrubbing harder...climbed in...and nothing

I was perplexed...and decided I would wait for now
I would just clean the inside of the glass..

and there...I sprayed and took one quick wipe
The paper towel was black...I mean pitch black
I tried all the windows from the inside
all of them were just as dirty....black

Remember, I am in the middle of feeling riptide thoughts
So, I obviously turned the metaphor straight inward.

Trying to wipe the outside...it must be so dirty, right?
But it wasn't...it was the inside I needed to clean out.
the inside was filthy...I didn't even think it was possible
I thought for sure the outside of the window had the scum
The outside faces the elements every day...
it get's snowed on and rained on and pooped on by pigeons
it's the outside that deals with the Jersey smog...

So how could it be the INSIDE that's dirty?

This is where my thought process stopped.
I was too hurried...too tired...still exhausted right now
It will have to wait...but it definitely merits processing

One last thing....
when I leaned down to clean the bottom of one window
I noticed Madeleine's fingerprints...I was just about to wipe
when I saw it....she had draw a few stars on the glass.
through the dirt...lol

Page 417 - Acceptance

When I remember it, I usually feel better
When I forget, I definitely feel worse
Most of the time I remember it but argue it
and that's probably the worst feeling of all.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems.
When I am disturbed it is because
I find some person, place, thing or situation -
some aspect of my life - unacceptable to me.
And I can find no serenity until I accept
that person, place, thing or situation as
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing occurs in God's world by mistake.
Until I accepted my alcoholism, I could not be sober;
until I accept life completely on life's terms I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

This was the first paragraph I ever read of the Big Book.
Holly read it to me in her office way before I stopped drinking
And when she let me keep her Big Book, it was the only highlighted page.
Sitting in this meeting, I picked up the BB and flipped straight to the page
it's been so long that I couldn't even remember the number 407? 413? oh 417!
The same feelings came back...like a warm wave of water running through my veins

You know this...Teresa...You get this!

No....I don't...not completely.

I am sooooo resistant lately.
I don't want to let go...of anything.

I have ALREADY accepted so much of what life wanted!!!
and it has hurt me really really badly...so I want it my way now.

Nope, Teresa...you really haven't accepted shit!
You did what life asked of you...even when it hurt...
yes...that you DID do...
BUT...
you didn't ACCEPT life on it's terms.

All I did was TOLERATE it...
there is a huge difference there.

Tolerance:  enduring something...involves permissiveness

yes...that's EXACTLY it!
I have been "enduring" the pain of moving, losing...of other people letting go of me
and I have given life "permission"  to act on "my" life this way...
I'll let life do what it wants for now... but I maintain control,
and I'm apparently giving life permission until I can no longer endure.
Like now...when I feel I can no longer take it...
I hate this situation...I don't like this place...and definitely people that I'm upset with
so I'm needing to take back control...cause life did a "bad" job with what I gave it...
Yeah right! (sarcasm)

That's why I STILL feel like shit...
that's probably why it still hurts so badly...

Tolerance is NOT the answer
What I NEED TO DO is to ACCEPT!

Acceptance: act of taking or receiving something offered...favorable reception
...ASSENTING or BELIEVING!

Ha!

I haven't taken what life is offering...
I haven't assented to shit!
and that means that I certainly don't believe in it
I need to do a good job with what LIFE is giving me...

whatever is happening in my life..
whatever changes have been made
whatever I have been hurting about
whatever is going on in someone else's life

It is all happening exactly how it is supposed to happen
even if it hurts...cause sometimes acceptance hurts..

Slowing Down Thoughts

It all happens at once
It happens so suddenly
my thoughts race and race

the conscious effort toward mental awareness
toward profound growth
to be attentive to my thoughts and feeling and actions
to love myself

it just becomes TOO much...overwhelming to be SO constantly aware
so much that I slide down to the ground or cover myself up
afraid to turn around or lift my head
afraid of how brightly the world reflects all of my imperfections

I have pushed forward through those imperfections
Energized by the goodness in my heart
Fueled by this passionate desire to offer the best of my heart

but pushing and pushing and climbing that hill
it's so so so exhausting
too tired to slow my thoughts

It's a trap...

and right now....this week...this moment
trudging through my peanut butter river...
I've fallen back...on my hands...up to my knees
stuck..

I cover up...I sit...and watch and let everyone keep walking by
feeling unworthy...too weak to walk with them
and no one stops...who wants to stop...lose their momentum
who the hell would want to pick up a girl that's up to her head in peanut butter

trapped...nothing scares me more than being trapped
if you want to see me freak out...put me in a room and hold the door closed

my heart beats so fast ...I FREAK

stuck in the peanut butter river...I FREAK
I think about it all...so fast..through my head.
I SCREAM...I have to get out!!

It's too much....so I cover up...hide...make excuses...and cry.

THEN....something big hit me..

if I'm always working so hard to better myself
if I'm so consciously aware of my thinking and feeling
then I can really miss the opportunity to enjoy who I ALREADY am.

can I possibly do that?
can I stop for a minute
and just enjoy the stuff I already am..

I DON'T KNOW...

I think it goes back to this "silence" message I wrote about before
I really want to figure that silence thing out

But...if I try to figure it out...if I want it badly enough
then I'm not really practicing the silence, right?

you see!!!! you see how crazy it gets up here
I HAVE TO slow the thoughts and the fears and the desperateness

A new design for my blog: What it means.

I recently changed the appearance of my blog

Others noticed...then I noticed..and I looked inside myself

The background picture is from El Yunque the rain forest in Puerto Rico

I took the photo last summer on our annual visit

So much has changed in PR..so many things change each year...

But nothing can change those mountains.  

It is a constant...from 7 year old Tere to the Tere writing this blog

My heart intentionally chose this picture.

I didn't realize it..or...maybe I did

The rain forest is beautiful..luscious...green (my favorite color)

the greenery unfolds in layers as the mountain curves intersect.

It has two very polar weather patterns...bright sun and flashing rain

In the course of a day, you will undoubtedly experience both... mist and fog

Open the car windows and take in the freshness after the rain

I've obviously been feeling this change "stuff"

The picture provides a constant

I'm totally wavering between my sunshine and my pouring out

but it's in the fog that I recently find comfort

This background image is PURELY me...at this very moment

Women

I have a friend in Nashville...such a strong woman
she's celebrating some huge changes in her life
She's a Mom, 2 sons  last one finally off to college
and a daughter with cerebral palsy (an amazing young lady herself)...
very well  put together..southern family...loving..welcoming...
just had her 2 year sober birthday...that's sooooo big!
and as if that wasn't enough, yesterday she started a whole new adventure
she's back to university at Vanderbilt...to be a Psychiatric NP
I woke up first thing this morn and thought to check-in on her.
She is Just Amazing!!
very very close to my heart as we experienced A LOT over my last year there

Soooo...driving to my internship this morning for my first day,
I got into some deep thinking...about women.
I have been blessed lately...meeting, being, talking with some pretty amazing women
I'm not talking girlfriends..those are great too...buuttt
I'm talking about women...older...grateful...conscious...
empowered...messing up and starting again...human...strong

guiding younger women...in any role (friend, therapist, adviser, teacher, sponsor, artist,)
I thought about these women
who have nudged me, encouraged me, offered reality checks, dragged me lol...
aware of the power women have in being there for other women...
there's nothing like it...

I am so grateful for these women in my life
If you've known me at all  it's hard to believe those words just come out of ME
If you had asked me a few years ago...told me that I would someday write this post
I would have laughed my butt off.

But here I am...and I seriously wouldn't know where I would be
if it hadn't been for the women who have grabbed my hand
or taken me in...pointed the way...
were there for me...or are encouraging me today
sharing with me their life stories as women.
even taking some of my stuff with them in their lives.
Thank you...for the courage...and love.

"Clarity", "Protect", and "Magic"

I was looking forward to therapy this afternoon

Feeling pretty lazy and useless and unsuccessful

Got there early...grabbed a coffee...walked over to a Buddhist gift shop next door

I wanted to suck everything up into a secret vacuum

So many peaceful things...breathing incense into my pores

A couple of years ago I decided I needed a way to mark my progress

I needed tangible reminders of these parts of my life moving up and down

So many things to accept and process...I made a list of  30 phrases

"Drinking", "Boundaries", "Trust", "Surrender", "What's sex", "What's love"

"Build dreams". "Healthy Friends". "9/11", "My Papi Loves Me", "Budget"

I wrote each phrase on river stones with a silver pen...

watched them..carried them...threw them lol...

moved them around as I watched my life change

In this store today a bowl of stones drew my attention

Each stone in that bowl had a different word engraved..sound familiar?

I let my fingers play through the stones...and heard music

"Change", "Dream", "Believe", "Integrity", "Friendship",

"Honesty", "Hope", "Accept", "Spirituality"

 Wow wow wow....what a moment!

Those familiar words...they sang...a song of gratitude...of progress...of pride

they represented all that I've become this year...the love I've given myself

and THEN...in the middle of the singing....flashes...beautiful

NEW words jumped out of the bowl and into my heart

NEW messages I needed to hear...

some that I understood so clearly...others that just made me scratch my head

but I knew...just knew the ones that were trying to crawl out

at $6 a piece, I couldn't buy them all

one by one...I took them out and stared...focusing with every part of me

"Empowerment", "Understanding", "Abundance", "Patience", "Purpose", "Know"

They all said something...

and three that refused to leave my focus

Clarity, Protect, Magic

I totally get the first one...

But the other two??? huh??? what??? especially Magic? how weird..

There's something there that I need to hear...Clarity, Protect, Magic..so odd

I trust, though...I'm going to surrender it...to this Higher Power...and trust.

OMG..It's been a WHOLE YEAR TODAY!

I was sitting here...thinking about how much I was STILL grieving Nashville

I couldn't understand why the grieving has come back so strongly this past week

Feeling like I would give ANYTHING to be doing all of this with my Nashville family

V called me..then G-chatting with Jolan...and I couldn't stop crying.

so I wrote here...earlier...about how much I missed my Nashville family

I took a breath and suddenly swallowed this jagged realization

It has been ONE WHOLE YEAR TODAY!

exactly TODAY!!

I ripped through my emails trying to find proof of that day.

I found something...and it took me back

the day I said goodbye, I had lunch with Holly...and was sooo sad to be leaving

BUT...that very night..one year ago...I wrote this to her:

Crazy day!  In talking with God, He gave me a good idea of what the day was offering, but, frankly, at 4am I would've  rather rip my eyes out through my ears than to rearrange my schedule to have ANYONE over. But He made it too clear...and you (Holly) were sweet enough to switch things around.  Even then I was dreading the awkward goodbyes to everyone. I wanted so badly to cancel. Especially when V arrived just as E was leaving..so much for my siesta. Then Jolan and the kids and etc. We started to put some more in the truck when I realized I wasn't even close to being done.

This is where the part of disbelief comes in. My friends, without hesitation, started putting things in boxes..taking shit apart..doin dishes! Then Andrew shows up and climbs into the 1000 degree truck and rearranges everything so we would have more room. Other friends started calling..and so it went..everyone laughing and joining and making fun of my procrastination the whole time.

So what is my point? I guess it just flat out amazes me that after all the shit I've done...how could I possibly deserve people that are this good to me...and that love me. I mean I have been pretty damn shitty with the depression and drinking and all. So how is it that so many people have stayed by me. Maybe not every second..but almost ALWAYS someone was on my side not giving up. And today..when hiding out in the apartment seemed like the perfect solution, God blessed me with continuous reminders that I am worthy of love..that people believe in me and love me..

from:

You [Holly], my closest ally in the past 2 years..

V, whose friendship was always changing but whose love was as dear as a sister's

Jolan,  my constant friend, most reliable one I've ever had..there at every major moment these 4 years

Emily, God's going away present for me teaching me that I can allow myself to be goofy again.

Andrew, through whom I learned acceptance...patience in my own and others' addictions..in letting go of control..and more than anything, that bad actions and choices don't necessarily come from bad intentions.. a lot of time are just the result of instability

Elizabeth: The perfect sponsor for my first year...no drama.. "don't complicate shit just don't fucking drink!!"

Jennifer: OMG! No clue if I could've made it this year without that family.

AND all the other people who have really opened themselves to me regardless of my uniqueness..my loudness..my intensity.

and little reminders of being appreciated through a cup of coffee... or a hug and a chocolate croissant..or trusting me with their life stories.

I am so grateful to God for this day. For allowing me to leave this place with final laughs rather than tears. For helping me reach a greater layer of peace with my new adventure.

You asked me this afternoon if I was excited...I really am..I'm goin to school for something I love..it was worth the wait..I may have done well as a PT or an MD or NP...or every other thing that I at one pt explored..because I am SO ABSOLUTELY SURE that I am exactly where I'm meant to be and am worthy of the happiness of being here.

Back to the present

How amazing is life...that when I needed this message the most...one whole year later...it was there to remind me.

Nashville

I've tried to describe it so many times

the apartments..but walk-ups..more like condos...each building 8 units 

knowing your neighbors was unavoidable

It was gated...open...walking...and you felt safe.

Dawne, Ray and McKenzie next door

Mr. Micah (who passed away this past year) across the way

Mary and the kids next door...then Beth and the kids

Oh gosh...Richard...the little Korean boy downstairs who became a part of us

and Hamony..his grandma...didn't speak English..then his teenage sister moved in

and so they all basically moved in with us

Jolan...one of the most loving dependable friends I have ever known

I watched little Hanga..learn English..become a beautiful little girl

I watched Jolan's belly grow ...Barnabash..Vojk..

And my other BF...like as sister..we became adults..Vanessa
and her little Andrew..(11 yrs old now)

walking in and out like family...I needed family...they are family

I've only mentioned a small percentage of the people we loved there

Our apartment walked out to the pool...we were at the center of it all

Little BBQs by the pool became big parties.

The kids at the tennis courts or the path...playing

It was hard to feel alone....

there was always a light on

there was always someone there in an emergency

when I got sick...when I had surgery...whenever...

there was always someone knocking on the door 

and always a door to knock on

I didn't have to be anything or do anything

They didn't have to be anything or do anything

My girlfriends...they'd sit next to me...right up close on the couch...and just "be"

They loved me through all my drinking

They loved me through all the drama with Andrew

They loved me through all my insecurities...

Oh...how can I even begin to describe or name the OTHER friends

their love...the welcome-ness...MY friends...

my sober friends

I wish I'd known what I had

I think I knew I has something

just not as much as I do now.

I still say it...I still can't believe it....a YEAR gone by and my heart is still broken

We keep in touch...email...text...facebook...not as often as I need

I can't...I just can't

Vanessa called today...I finally picked up the phone...

I haven't wanted to pick up the phone

Catching up sucks...I like picking up as if nothing's different...

we can do that...after a while..

so we talked...and it warmed my heart...it's what I NEEDED...

but I can't...I can't pick up the phone...

I cried so hard....I can't do that to myself...I can't relive the loss...I hate the loss

Because it feels like Nashville is gone...that part of our lives is gone.

I keep saying we are going back...I'm adamant that we are going back

But I don't really let myself believe it anymore

because they may not be back...Holly won't be back...the comfort may not be back

I want it back so badly...and if it doesn't happen...the RE-Loss...it'll kill me.

I MISS NASHVILLE!! I MISS my old friends..I NEED it so much right now

Exposed...

Being physically mindful of every part of my body
There's a pain in my chest...a dull ache that's making it hard to breathe and swallow
My body is aching badly...my arms and shoulders are especially bruised
I have some points that are pinching; behind each ear, the top of my head and the very base of my butt cheeks
my eyes are ready to shout...it's a very unique type of feeling. 
It feels like tears are wanting to burst out from the back of my neck..the top of my back.
Why they are emanating from back there, I don't know
My breasts hurt...a lot...they want to be touched and cradled in a very loving way.
I'm yearning for gentle affection.
I've always found this strange comfort when someone holds my ankles and arches
just like they'd hold my hand...and my hands feel alone
My female parts are pulsating...softly...with a shameful exposed discomfort.
I feel incredibly separated from my body
I'm very angry with it...I want to take it off of me for a while and put it to bed
Keep my brain and heart over here to work.
I really really want to be loved right now...just love for me.
not a pressured love..not a love that requires expectation...
definitely not an "all-eyes-on-me" love...
just a very relaxed presence.

I'm scared...I want to hide in a closet
When I was younger...even in my teen years, I found such comfort in tight hidden spaces
My depression was really embarrassing to me...
When we had company...on holidays...or drop-in's, I would prove my fantastic confidence
but like Cinderella's night reaching midnight, I would see my limit coming
feared it...and tried to disappear before the layer peeled off and showed the pain.
Everyone would come looking for me and I'd pretend to nap.
I want to hide somewhere really small and dark and cramped.

I'm admitting...honestly..to myself..that all of this..all this feeling..it's all my fault

I've been sad and lonely
I've wanted safety and familiarity...even if what's familiar is pain

I wanted him to come this weekend. That's odd...definitely odd.
We love each other...a lot..like siblings bicker and get on each others' nerves
we passive aggressively miscommunicate..
But we still love each other
When he visits Luna, he stays with us
we usually do family things..cook...hang out
staying in separate rooms, of course. (kinda like our marriage)

I was looking forward to him getting here
he kept texting from the road. Joking
It put me in a better mood.  It put me in a not so lonely mood. 
When he was an hour away I jumped in the shower..did the primp thing. 
It's been a long time since I primped
doing my legs and areas not usually pampered. 
I tried to convince myself that it was only for me...to take care of me...to feel better. 
But in a totally detached way, I started thinking and feeling something else. 
and well of course, I started thinking about "it". Oh man was that weird.


Fortunately, by the time I left the primping, I was rational and kind of grossed out. 
This is the man that hurt me...the guy that didn't want me...forgot to love me

I lied to myself.  I knew the hole...empty and sore and aching
I know he's never filled it...not interested in filling it...taunts me
It's a dance...as set-up as a house of cards....and he'd be happy to pull the piece that lets it fall.

I demean myself in trying...to get that love..I know I'll fail 
I do it because I want confirmation that I'm not worthy
and if by chance he decides to actually "want" me for a moment...sigh!

To be clear, this is not an every day desire.
In fact, I usually swallow his visits for Luna's sake
With all the love in the world, he repulses me...
because we're so different, because he didn't want me, because he drinks
because I'm a stronger, wonderful, sober woman.

So...this weekend...I clearly yearned to hurt myself...
to prove I'm all the bad things my mood has been telling me...
and guess what, I succeeded. Bravo to me..

Bad habits?

I just want to do what I like to do.
But when people are here, there's a magnifying mist in the air.
I think twice about everything I do.
self-conscious and phony and tied up.


Everyone is a bit different
Some people walk in a relaxing mist
others a spicy tingling feeling
and still others bring a backpack full of spearmint
waking me up with their presence


And then there are some....ugh
those who open the door and unavoidably blow in a dense fog
and they carry that fog to every room and they breathe it with every conversation
and although they don't announce their judgement, you certainly feel it.


Andrew is one of those people
I don't think he means it, I don't think he even knows it
and part of me is compassionate...
because I think he'd want to be different
Either way he triggers an apprehension


My breathing is thick in that fog
It's often hot and sticky and I feel trapped in it.
looking for my reflection in the mirror is impossible.
I start to look at myself through HIS eyes
and that's where it all falls apart.


Andrew is NOT a bad person.
He's kind and generally considerate
he is considerate when he knows he should be
he can be helpful and he loves his little girl immensely


there's a real quiet nature to him too
rarely watching TV...veggies with every meal
no candy..only wholesome "fun"
not very enthusiastic...he could win the lottery and tell you as a "By the way"
he says it's a lifetime of his own apprehension
where spoiling or treating yourself was too much love


I have to be something when he's here
and it's nothing like what I would be
If there's "free time" available, I plop myself in front of the TV
there's a plethora of cheesy Lifetime movies or exagerrated reality shows
I'm on the computer..I may sit in my PJ pants all day long
We may stay home the whole day...be lazy
order-in and there are maybe ice pops instead of veggies
oh who the hell am I kidding...
that describes most of our days off.


There's a judgement about all that when he's here.
too much TV and Luna shouldn't have that.
always having to get out of the house or have a plan.
and with the mirror thing,
I tell myself i have to look cute when he's here, get dressed
basically be everything he would want me to be


This time around I ignored my wish to be what was good in Andrew's eyes
I shook the impulse, and yet I found my discomfort impenetrable
and suddenly it hit me...
maybe I'M not proud of what I do and who I am
maybe Andrew doesn't pressure me to be different
maybe I just want to be more like Andrew.
maybe a part of me feels that my couch potatoeing and self-pleasing is wrong.


I can't think of any of my friends having the TV on all the time.
or staying home all day...even if it is to draw.
They always seem to be doing something when I'd rather not "do".
and when I hear of their dinners or drives to the city..or shopping trips
parents that talk about what they did for their kids that day...having to do something
or when I notice their blog entries are soooo much shorter...lol
I feel incredibily self-conscious and sloth-like.


Would I be a better person if I were different?
If I want my life to be healthier, if I want to be happier, if I want my life to improve
should I change my habits?
am I ultimately perpetuating the negative in my life if I'm not being the positive?


The answer....well...pretty much the same as always
1. PERCEPTION:
    I don't know what my friends are actually doing...
    maybe I'm seeing them as more than what they are...
    maybe they are that "healthy" but wish they could relax more the way I do.
2. FIND THE BALANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Yes, I DO want better habits and the health/happiness they bring
    But I DON'T want this drive for self-approval to become that baring down fog.


I don't know if it's possible for me.
It all goes back to that old belief system...
the need to be "better-than" what I am...
never satisfied that AM or AM doing enough.


There's one thing I DO know is different, though
I'm living a life of personal awareness
baring my honesty...even if I show my "less-than" side
and the healthiest part of me...
I am on a quest...to get closer to know my heart...
understand my brain and ger closer these answers...

Luna's Garden

Let me begin by saying that I have a purple or brown or basically anything that is NOT a green thumb. People know this and STILL give me flowers and plants
saying, "Don't worry this one is REALLY easy to take care of!"

One lady said, "This tree can go dayyss without watering!" Yeah, any of you remember the dead tree in our Nashville apartment? (I painted the pot all pretty). There's no need to be delicate, I've even killed cacti.  It's like friends are on a mission, playing to find the one thing that will survive my gardening

Well...that's the thing, guys..
I DON'T GARDEN, I barely water!

Luna seems to have a passion for.."gardening". She loves to buy seeds and shove them in the ground...ANY ground...and forget about them. She'll let nature do its thing.  She has her Mom's gardening skills.

The other morning I hear her shout, "OMG Mami...check this out!"
There it was, this 3 foot stalk with dried up leaves...a big nub on the end...peaking from the edge, bright orange wisps.

I can't tell you how many times I thought,
"I have to cut those weeds down..they look awful!". I never did get to cutting them down because..well..
I DON't garden!

I walk down the stairs...Luna has this big smile...pointing at the "weed"..shouting, "My SUNFLOWER!!!"

A friend recently wrote about sunflowers blooming.  I remember navigating to her blog. There is a picture of a beautiful, bright, smiling sunflower.  I thought how cool that would be...to be greeted by a "sunflower smile" every morning.

We watched Luna's "weed" open for 3 days...and one morning it was fully smiling back...Without water...without care...in one of the ugliest parts of my yard...having been shoved in as a little seed one day. But now...still giving us the gift of smiling back.

I know...so many cheesy metaphors about life..and growing and care taking...about Luna and I...about strength...and smiling...soooo many links.These past few days of internal chaos have drained me...left me way too empty to consider all the links between the weed/sunflower thing. There is even this little sunflower growing out  right below the big one.  I can't think of anything more perfect to draw on.

I took a bunch of pics (with my phone..lol)...late night pictures too..more metaphors sprouting from that.

This morning, I will just appreciate the smile it gives. I think it will be a good day today...the sun is out...and I'm not wishing or hoping or for rain.

My little gardener, Madeleine, is ready to shove some new seeds in the ground and I think I'll do the same...figurative ones, of course.

(Sorry about the quality of the pictures,
I took them with my Blackberry and was too hurried to think about how they may turn out. But at least they give
you and overall idea of this crazy, stubborn, smiling flower)

and I just did..

I finally fell asleep at 3:30...

Those rubber band balls have labels on them

and as they bounced and banged all over my insides

they hit on muscles and feelings and triggers

They triggered the whole fight or flight and all the biochem stuff that comes along.

Flight flight flight!!!

but creating distance between my problems and me just created more stress

putting extra pressure on the only lines that ground me

FIGHT!

I was running out of energy.

It all kept me up....meanwhile I worked on my HTML

to make the blog more interesting...to make it my own with MY art and backgrounds

to keep me distracted.

BUT on barely no sleep at all...I just had to get up and face the day.

I made pancakes for Luna and I....got her ready for camp

I didn't have to go to work....but I got in the car...figured I should do a few things at the office.

I looked like shit...no shower...nothing like that...

as I was unlocking my office a student randomly shows up...a 1 hour interruption

then something else....and something else......not getting to the one thing I came to do

but I was still doing...just doing

and that doing led to another doing of a list item.

and then I thought to just get that over with

then this then that....

before i knew it I had checked off 10 things I hadn't planned on doing

10 less things...10 less rubber band balls crashing inside me

When I packed up...I grabbed something else..."Call my parents when I get in the car"

and then another..."stop by the bank"...it's on the way.

you know what I realized....

when I multitask...I don't have enough time to worry

The point is that...i still feel like shit....I am completely drained.

I have this sharp pain over someone I miss so deeply.

and I'm sleepy.

But I decided to just DO!

Teresa NEVER gives up. 

It's hard to remember that when I'm in that space.

but....it's something I'm actually proud of.

I never give up!!! instead I just DO.

guys....I'm feeling shitty...I'm not ignoring that.

and I feel more than alone.

and still partially hate the world.

but  I just DID, today!

and THAT is Teresa

and now...what I'm going to just DO....is take a nap.

before Andrew arrives and turns the panorama upside down.

Too much!

Not a good time...and I couldn't explain it...I couldn't capture it...

until I started writing this email...and let it all out..

I thought I couldn't make sense...maybe I still didn't..don't...

but reading back, i think it's clear enough for me

clear enough to describe the real feeling today

Here's an excerpt from the email I sent (I hope the recipient doesn't mind)
-------------------------------

THEN this pile of dung...no..not even dung...dung is too pleasant to describe this thing
oh WOW...that's it!! It's not a pile...it's a burn...or a cut...
and every time some new problem, or shitty consequence, or horrible reaction...or bad emotion
comes along it rubs itself in...(the majority of them over the past two weeks)
the burn gets redder and this sore gets deeper...

SO...just as I was going to send you a message
this welt...or sore...or whatever...it just imploded..
and played fiddle with every nerve in my body.

It has been way too much lately.
trying to soothe every sore..all over...
almost like I've tried stitching every one of them up...
but i just can't

I went to bed knowing it was going to be a tough day.
Couldn't find anyone to take Luna to camp...

or I could drop her off 45mins earlier and she'd have to wait by herself.
Couldn't find anyone to pick her up...or she could walk the half mile home and wait for me.
Have a court case...about this debt...and I can't take care of it...
Realizing that my family may not be as pretty as it seems...or as pretty as you'd expect it to be...

and my heart knows it and feels it...but my mind has told it not to...bottling
My friends...shit...what friends...they are so self-absorbed...

I've never felt more alone...
alone with all my feelings
alone with all my issues...alone when there's some crisis
alone with parenting...
alone socially...
alone with my finances...
without someone to talk to about it all...even when I pay them..I'd pay a million dollars to have Holly back.

And OMG!! the worst part of it all...is that I can't even speak it...

I've had a really really painful time communicating, expressing my feelings....

I can't seem to get anything across the right way...
I can't even write it out well lately...NOTHING...
everyone seems to misunderstand me...or I'm just suddenly this awful person...
even when I am trying to say the nicest thing or the biggest compliment...
somehow...it just comes out upside down and backwards and like karate chopping or something.
I'm scared to talk now...which means I'm holding in a lot of stuff

That's where that silence stuff came in...thought maybe God was asking me for that silence
but it just seems impossible...when I'm meeting all day with people...and then Luna...

and then having to negotiate schedules...oh...and ask people for help!!!! Holy cow...
such a horrible feeling when you always have to ask for help
it is just really demoralizing...especially when there's no one to ask

Just too much stuff...

I woke up with allllll kinds of insecurities this morning...
I'm not a good parent...I get angry with her...expect her too much...

Don't put dinner on the table...barely out the door with a bag of cereal.
There's psychologists and PHDs at work that are 7 years younger..

I have a year left and I won't even have a doctorate

I've made a mess....a big old welt of a sore laden, half stitched mess.

and the final thing that frustrated me...just happened as I was writing you back a quick note....
and BAM!!

You know that feeling when you suddenly just hate the entire world (maybe you don't know)
where everything turns sooooo black...
when all your problems and feelings and shit become thick rubber balls that are let loose and just flying and bouncing around your insides
and when you say to yourself "I FUCKING QUIT!!" 

and as you're saying it you are SOOOO convinced that you actually mean it.
that was the BAM

I don't even think all of what I just wrote came out right or effectively...
ahhhhhh!!! (clenching fists)

-------------------------------------------

That's how I feel today, guys...just too much...

I'd give anything for a magic wand

I'm mad that God didn't make a few magic wands and hide them around

I'd be looking for one right now.

She said "Madeleine"...Cause...well..duh..that's her name!

I asked her what they talked about..."She asked me my name"

I asked her what else..."I told her I was Madeleine"

GULP!

Madeleine? why Madeleine?...."cause..uh..that's my name (said in a sassy tone)"

NOOOO!! You're Luna!! You ARE LUNA!

Nope...not anymore...she doesn't care if I or we call her Luna...but her real name is Madeleine

That's what she wants people to know.

I'm sad that Luna...I mean Madeleine... is getting so old.

I feel like I'm not even watching it happen...it just is.

I feel like I've missed each phase

I was always so busy marveling at how much older she seemed

She never seemed little...

She's 8...and oh boy...

she's smart..never took 2nd grade...this yr she starts 4th

she's witty...suddenly cracking out some ridiculously funny response

she's beautiful...inside...caring...super giving...welcoming

she's resilient...so brave..so so brave...she has adjusted to so many changes

she's friendly...can talk with...share with...have fun with...anyone.

We got into some huge arguments when she returned from Canada.

there was a lot of weird adjustment...impatience...frustration...PMS

Driving along I asked her what she thought was going on...how she was feeling.

She told me in all her wisdom...

1. That I haven't had a kid around all summer...just adults...that think...and that I may be frustrated having a kid around again.
2. That sometimes I ask her to or "expect" her to do things that she's a kid so she can't do. (she used an example about carrying grocery bags, but i knew there was more to it than that.)

True wisdom...why hadn't I thought of it on my own.

so I guess I need to let her be more of a kid...

even if she CAN be super smart and brave and resilient...

maybe she just needs to be.............little.  

even if she CAN think of consequences and with more complexity,

maybe she just needs to think in the immediate...and like a kid...

making mistakes she already knows not to make...it's ok.

She's really a reflection of my inner 8 year old.

I spent some time talking about it yesterday...

thinking why I feel the pressure to be soooo much

when my parents never really said I had to BE so much...they loved me regardless

but being soooo much more...being special...gifted...mature...that was better than

Luna too...she is pretty darn gifted...in so many ways

but the more I praise that.....well it's pressure to be more

and when I get frustrated that she is "not thinking" when she does something

well...that's pressure too.

I wish I could go back to my 8 year old self...and let me be simple

I have an opportunity here...with Luna...

maybe to praise her when she acts like a silly kid

and to give less praise for her "specialness".

and baby her...maybe baby her...not always expect her to get her own drink

or pour her bowl of cereal without me.

Don't get me wrong...I obviously value independence...

it's good for her self-esteem...

but...maybe it's better if she can find the superwoman in herself on her own

and not because she gets praise for it...not because she wants to feel better than

I already know she CAN do all those things

maybe I can just baby her, protect her..let her mess up a little more

Expressing silence

Expressing myself...I value it...it's part of my being,..part of this package...

it's the wrapping..the bow.

Listening is inside the package...equally important...

learning from people...loving people...as they express in their own way

Lately, though, I just don't seem to express myself effectively

My thoughts are there...my heart is there...

but the normal wrapping is not taped

The listening too...it's there...my love...my compassion

but it's like I've been packaging the wrong item.

Soooo...I've been thinking about it...

scared to be misunderstood...

doing a lot more of the reflective listening.

But it hasn't been enough...

I've had to really dig

What's this sudden inability to express myself about?

What's the message here Teresa?

I put the package away...I take it back out...

I process it...think...trying to find the source of disconnect

I've been unwrapping and wrapping and repackaging and picking new things.

I want to know...I want to share it...I want to say it right...on and on and on..

Last night I grabbed some books from the shelf...looking for something for a friend

I opened up Mother Teresa's book, No Greater Love.

I read...even through the Jesus stuff that usually blocks me...

and THERE was the message.

Listen in silence, because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God.  But when you have listened to the voice of God in the stillness of your heart, then you heart is filled with God. 

… in the silence of the heart God speaks. Then from the fullness of our hearts, our mouth will have to speak. That is the connection. In the silence of the heart, God speaks and you have to listen.  Then in the fullness of your heart, because it is full of God, full of love, full of compassion, full of faith, your mouth will speak.

The contemplatives and ascetics of all ages and religions have sought God in the silence and solitude of the desert, forest, and mountain.

We too are called to withdraw at certain intervals into deeper silence and aloneness with God…To be alone with Him, not with our books, thoughts, and memories but completely stripped of everything, to dwell lovingly in His presence –silent, empty, expectant, and motionless.

We cannot find God in noise and agitation. Nature: trees, flowers, and grass grow in silence.  The stars, the moon, and the sun move in silence.  

Silence of our eyes

Silence of our ears

Silence of our mouths

Silence of our minds

...In the silence of the heart, God will speak

Silence of the heart is necessary so you can hear God everywhere – in the closing of the door, in the person who needs you, in the birds that sing, in the flowers in the animals. 

If we are careful of silence it will be easy to pray. There is so much talk, so much repetition, so much carrying on of tales in words and in writing. Our prayer life suffers so much because our hearts are not silent.

I shall keep the silence of my heart with greater care, so that in the silence of my heart I hear His words of comfort and from the fullness of my heart I comfort the poor. (pg 7-10)

Oh my gosh...Teresa...there it is...

Silence is MORE than listening

It's about letting go...of all the thoughts, the words, the analyzing...all of it.

being emptied so that I can be filled by God.

It's getting filled up and emptied all at the same time

Our lungs fill with air...it's a necessity...

but even when full of air, there is empty space...

air is there and room is there.

When we sit in silence...we let go of all the unnecessary stuff in our hearts

we empty it...

and let it be filled by God.

and only then can I listen...

only then will I express myself effectively... 
expressing myself through silence