Time....

Ahhh...I'm back...for a little bit of breathing.
Running and Running and Running...everything starting all at once.
Body aching...mind lost...thoughts littering themselves everywhere.

I've been thinking a lot about time.

When I think of work, almost any job I've ever held
I picture clocks...a clock on every corner in every room
always knowing where to find a clock
which ones were fast, or slow or broken
I would watch as each...minute...went...by...so....slo...w...l...y

I felt ashamed of being a clock-watcher
ashamed that I was not making every second count
sad that I couldn't stand where I was...
not having enough to do
doing stuff that went wrong,
or times when I was an expensive number in an office.
The "consulting" business...helping big companies make more money
when all I had to do was sit at my desk playing tetris..watching the clock

Suddenly...an explosion...
There are sooo many things happening all at once.
4 classes to teach, 80 students to advise, staff meetings, planning, 3 PAs to supervise
3 grad classes of my own, 6 papers, 3 presentations, 3 exams, various assignments
1 internship, 2 groups to lead, 4+ clients, charts to write, videos to transcribe
1 daughter, pick up drop off, 5 nights of 4th grade homework
pack lunch, make dinner, wash, clean, love, guilt from neglect
early mornings, long days, longer nights, therapy, meetings, committees, organizations
I want to scream....and sometimes I do...or cry in my car or hide in the bathroom

Now.....

Not having enough time...
no time to look at the clock, forgetting the clock
ignoring the clock because it's going to fast...
Gotta wake up...no time to scream...go go go go go go go go
Catching a glimpse of the clock...always running late.
Feet hurting, no napping, back aching, eyes throbbing...thoughts racing.
never wanting to go to bed...cause the next day is pushing from behind
Not eating....forgetting to eat...or choosing to take care of something else.

I'm scared....I've been thinking a lot about time

Before, I was concerned that I was not appreciating the days
Clock-watching and napping for hours
The world was going to pass me by without fulfillment
and that was so sad...and shameful..not understanding how other people did it

Now, I watch the seconds zoom by...
it's morning...and suddenly the sky is dark again
I have A LOT to show for my day...lots of output
but no time to appreciate what's happened.
I worry that time will fly right over my awareness...

Yes...I see the eyes of the world rolling right now
I hear the snort and the whole message about balance
but there's just no time for balance...there really isn't

There are a TON of worries...never knowing if I can truly manage
but I almost have to ignore the worries...be in drill mode.

I do love my days better this way, busy
Feeling that there is output...that I'm doing something for me, for Luna, the world
The thoughts, the craziness, the emptiness, the loss
I can say there is no time for the feelings...that feels good...
Until they explode
Then I have to make time....