Like a rope through the eye of a needle...

I'm not sure how it works.
I'm not sure it's working well
I'm not sure it's healthy...I really don't know that part
It's just happening...and pulling me through
pulling like a rope through the eye of a needle
hard to grab...shredding the ends
yet still threading out the other side

Is it extreme resilience?
That I'm at this point of strength
continuing to fight even when I have nothing in me
getting up after every blow...after another blow
without realizing it, I just get up
build it back and withstanding

or

Is it complete denial?
Not realizing what I'm actually doing
handing people a hammer and
blowing myself over
and thinking that everything is ok
that others' are wrong
that they are just seeing it wrong

or

acceptance?
That it's OK
fucked up or sane
hated or loved
understood or pissing off
that I am just being the best me for now
that all of them must be right
knowing I can't change what they hate, love, get angry with or understand

or

exhausted acceptance?
That Ok, or not Ok, who cares...
it is exactly what it is and is going to be
that I'm too tired to fight it
don't have it in me to change it
I'd rather accept the shit, than fight the front

Maybe it is all of the above...all of it...

I just don't know....

For this very second
whatever method I'm using
it's happening and I'm still alive
I hate it...I really do...
I don't understand it...
but this very moment...
I don't care enough to fight it
and I'm also trying to forget that anything is going on
Exhausted Acceptance and Denial

Tomorrow I'll probably wake up and build back
I have clients to see
and "me" has no place in that
so tomorrow it will be building up
and then forgetting it's going on
Resilience and Denial

Saturdays are different
I usually get somewhat clear headed
especially if I'm getting things done
Resilience and Acceptance

The Loneliness builds
usually by Sunday
and I get to work
and the worry, and the hurt
Fuck it...
and back to Exhausted Acceptance

A different combination for each moment
other methods building..meshing...combining throughout
and something works

"But you always get through like a pro, Teresa"

Yes I get through...
like the rope through the eye of the needle

pinching the tiniest string
wadding up as it enters...
and pulling the rest through.
I make it out the other end
but I'm frayed in the process