Stats: Who's here?

OMG, STATS?

Is that a new tab? Has that always been there? I don't think it's been there at all. 
My insecure, scared, approval-seeking butt would've noticed a tab that feeds it so fully
This tab says almost everything you'd never know, not enough to keep you from panic.
It tracks the blog, how people find it, where in the world they're reading it from
what system they use to read it, what posts have been hit the most
the search engines leading people to my blog and what words they searched me under

BUT, IT DOESN'T TELL ME WHO!

I want to know who.  I've been thinking a ton about "who?".

I started this blog scared to death, but willing and ready to jump.
Wanting to get it all out, wanting to be truthful to myself and to the world
but scared shitless of exposure
Until I heard a gently-stated, but piercing opinion
that maybe it was selfish for me to keep it all inside.


I have a journey...it's not a hit movie with an attention-grabbing climax
in fact it's nothing more than a scary title, opening scene and my head
but in that head is A LOT of stuff...little vignettes, painful clips
thoughts in constant motion, reactions, irrational and sometimes ridiculously motivated


Beyond the title...it's just me and that unspoken, internally dramatic journey 
and I selfishly stood with the ability to share it....if only I were brave enough


I opened this blog and waited...a long time...and then wrote...and waited...a long time...
then wedged a door to a few supportive friends who had held my journey with care
and I waited, Then....threw faith and acceptance like pixie dust into the wind
stripped off my clothing and walked nakedly into this journey...vomitted and shook
and remembered the sharing and the helping and the large voice my journey had


I tried hard not to think about the "who"...only because I believed no "who" was reading
Then, realized that I could be found...I swallowed acceptance that time and went on
my mouth betrayed me here and there...boundaries were then crossed
people that clearly didn't belong here, who I asked not to be here...
I saw them peaking through the trees...
they've always tried to see me naked and that's part of why I kept my body wrapped
I was angered but brave, determined to be free of their hurt feelings and expectations

AND THEN TODAY...................I found the "Stats" tab.

No bravery, or acceptance or unselfish will, could keep me from going there
Canada, Bang! Safari, Bang! Apple, Bang! Even China had a frightening power

Happy thoughts tickled my heart....thoughts of people that followed my journey
The "whos" that carried water...an umbrella...a beige blanket while I walked

But my mind, like most who share my journey, can so quickly, viciously, attack my heart
seeing myself very very shamefully, grossly naked...by the "who"s that stripped me down
standing naked and having someone force their way through the door.


When I think of family and nakedness...I want to vomit so bad...till I vomit my heart out
and more than anything, it's because of boundaries...because they never respect them


So I wonder, who is here...and why....
"Welcome", to those that found a comfy chair and warm blanket with this blog
"Thank you for walking with me", for those that run by my side with water and a hand
"I make amends", to those for whom I once stood naked...and only ugliness spilled out


I guess that's where I have to let it go, though
Part of my journey is in not knowing
No pixie dust acceptance or swallowing of faith
Maybe this time I have to grab acceptance, toss it up in the air and bat it out of the park.