It has to be me

I know it's me.
It can't possibly be that everyone else is wrong about me.
Even if I have all the goodness in my heart
or if what is in my brain and heart is exactly the right thing
and even if I am thinking the best things in my head,
I am not sending that message out

There seems to be a ton of stuff that gets jumbled and scattered on its way out of my head
It seems that by the time the message arrives at the receiver it has been torn to pieces
So that only half comes out

I am intense to my core
I feel things so powerfully...
am aware of every tiny detailed sesame seed of a thought
But I guess my intensity gets in the way of my message

I am so sorry.
and the more sorry I am the more incapable i feel
and then I feel ashamed
and then I get frustrated
and then I lose touch.
and I want to crawl out of me and sit somewhere else

I want to watch me
be outside of me and see what other people see
and hate me just the same...

I know my intentions are just so purely good....
but they don't seem to be right

and my intensity is not right.

There was a point that I had really accepted my intensity
took it as a part of me that was not going to just evaporate away
Came to see it as good in me
and then...there it was...self-love
and then other people seemed to accept my intensity
they came to love it too...and love me for it.

I don't love it anymore....
because it causes problems...really really hard problems for me
and no matter how thoughtful or deep or important I think my words are,
they seem to come out in another language
and I hate that language

I don't think I can handle one more misunderstanding
It may blow me over to feel it one more time..
to have every intention be good
and have every outcome be annoying.

I want to just learn how to be....
and be in a way that is right for me to be...
I feel so ashamed that I don't get it...that I'm not seeing it.
that I don't know it until someone else knows it and then it's too late