A great big ball

Breathe in...breathe out
That's what I did today
I did it this morning as I battled a nine-year old mentality of timeliness
I did it while I taught 40 exhausted students
when talking about this weekend's tragic shooting of 3 students
when driving an hour through traffic

and half way through my car ride
I let out the deepest, hardest, loudest breath I could
I blasted the music...blasted it!!
you know how that is,
blast a hard song so loud your sternum pounds the beat
and your heart reverberates
and you feel it in your bones

I breathed that out
I blew it out like a rocket
and then all that was left was this pool of "stuff"
and an exhausted little girl...little me

When I walked in her office there was nothing left to do
but let that pool of "stuff" heat up and bubble out
a river of "stuff" flowing out my heart

and it felt good
It felt so damn good
to sit somewhere and ball my eyes out
to be safe somewhere..
and have a great big ball of a cry

Gosh that felt so good
I've been holding it back to hold it together

It's amazing how it all happens

By the end of the session
I felt so freed
I felt so relieved of pressure
and I could actually feel again
feel real things rather than constrained things

and we started laughing
laughs came out
laughed about how hard I was on myself
laughed about how much I tried to push her away
I smiled...and was stubborn about smiling

Balling out the stuff
led to a great ball of laughs

Life is gonna go on restart tomorrow
I promised that to myself

Getting out the door is at least 80% of the battle

A valuable kick in the ass.
That's what I would call it.
I mean it starts out all nice and sweet, of course
but before I reached the crawl space behind the pity pot,
a place I loved to hang out,
Holly would send back that memorable text
"Ok, time to get over yourself"
Oh yeah...I heard that more than once
it was usually followed by the line
"remember, you gave me permission to say that..lol"
Yes, I did give permission...because I needed to hear it
I needed to hear it until I heard myself say it

But hear this...
because of all the amazing things I heard,
this next one is the one that implied the simplest of choices
was the hardest to do
but had the greatest consequence

She'd say, "get out the door, go for a walk"
In the depressive states...when I was paralyzed
when the couch seemed to be sucking me in,
loosening the straps, taking the weights off my feet
it felt like I had to climb Mt. Everest.

Actually, that wasn't the message at all,
all she suggested was that I walk out the door
around my house or the mail box and back

Try it...
the next time you are truly down
and think you just can't be seen
when there is no point,
you can't tolerate a movement
just walk out the door...pajamas and all
just a few steps..around the house...
not the block...just the house.

That's what I did this morning
I woke up...and forced myself to my feet
I ran as fast as I could to the laundry closet
before the first tear  rolled down my cheek
I grabbed the laundry, Luna and my last $10
and went to the Wash 'n Dry

and before I knew it,
my mushed up mind bulked up
the breeze washed over me like a waterfall
and honest to God,
muscles and bones hardened to hold me back up

Sorting, washing, folding
it always helps me to think

I can't lie
it wasn't like a magical peace took over
actually, it was more of a fight
a fire in me, relit

My friend Terri is this beautiful artist
her pieces can be peaceful or energetic or deep or inspiring
but sometimes she writes something
that's like this swift kick in the ass


I've been hearing this one all day
"Don't let them take away who you are"

I won't...I really won't


For more by Terri go to:
www.bonesigharts.com

They knew what they were getting!

Yeah.
They knew...
I was feeling badly about all of this
and then I started thinking about everything that my being does
I started to make some great points in my head
about being me...about knowing me...and how I work

I was just looking in my files
sifting through my writing
trying to find a mustard seed
hoping to hear my own positive voice
to boost my currently bruised ego

what I found was better than that
I found proof that I was honest from the start
they made their choice with every part of me out and open
THAT is who I am...
I don't know if I can be different
I am learning to be different and losing my good
I devour theories, techniques, new ideas
but I CAN'T devour a new me
and now I remember that this strong me
the person that came here self-empowered
building some thick layers of acceptance
THAT Teresa told them from the start
and they liked it...so why do they tear it down now

There it was.

MY GRADUATE SCHOOL PERSONAL STATEMENT

Here is the Teresa they knew and accepted
I've fearlessly opened...shown them my scars
I walked with honesty from the very first day
It's time, I say to them
to fearlessly accept
and courageously express your own.

Like a rope through the eye of a needle...

I'm not sure how it works.
I'm not sure it's working well
I'm not sure it's healthy...I really don't know that part
It's just happening...and pulling me through
pulling like a rope through the eye of a needle
hard to grab...shredding the ends
yet still threading out the other side

Is it extreme resilience?
That I'm at this point of strength
continuing to fight even when I have nothing in me
getting up after every blow...after another blow
without realizing it, I just get up
build it back and withstanding

or

Is it complete denial?
Not realizing what I'm actually doing
handing people a hammer and
blowing myself over
and thinking that everything is ok
that others' are wrong
that they are just seeing it wrong

or

acceptance?
That it's OK
fucked up or sane
hated or loved
understood or pissing off
that I am just being the best me for now
that all of them must be right
knowing I can't change what they hate, love, get angry with or understand

or

exhausted acceptance?
That Ok, or not Ok, who cares...
it is exactly what it is and is going to be
that I'm too tired to fight it
don't have it in me to change it
I'd rather accept the shit, than fight the front

Maybe it is all of the above...all of it...

I just don't know....

For this very second
whatever method I'm using
it's happening and I'm still alive
I hate it...I really do...
I don't understand it...
but this very moment...
I don't care enough to fight it
and I'm also trying to forget that anything is going on
Exhausted Acceptance and Denial

Tomorrow I'll probably wake up and build back
I have clients to see
and "me" has no place in that
so tomorrow it will be building up
and then forgetting it's going on
Resilience and Denial

Saturdays are different
I usually get somewhat clear headed
especially if I'm getting things done
Resilience and Acceptance

The Loneliness builds
usually by Sunday
and I get to work
and the worry, and the hurt
Fuck it...
and back to Exhausted Acceptance

A different combination for each moment
other methods building..meshing...combining throughout
and something works

"But you always get through like a pro, Teresa"

Yes I get through...
like the rope through the eye of the needle

pinching the tiniest string
wadding up as it enters...
and pulling the rest through.
I make it out the other end
but I'm frayed in the process

It has to be me

I know it's me.
It can't possibly be that everyone else is wrong about me.
Even if I have all the goodness in my heart
or if what is in my brain and heart is exactly the right thing
and even if I am thinking the best things in my head,
I am not sending that message out

There seems to be a ton of stuff that gets jumbled and scattered on its way out of my head
It seems that by the time the message arrives at the receiver it has been torn to pieces
So that only half comes out

I am intense to my core
I feel things so powerfully...
am aware of every tiny detailed sesame seed of a thought
But I guess my intensity gets in the way of my message

I am so sorry.
and the more sorry I am the more incapable i feel
and then I feel ashamed
and then I get frustrated
and then I lose touch.
and I want to crawl out of me and sit somewhere else

I want to watch me
be outside of me and see what other people see
and hate me just the same...

I know my intentions are just so purely good....
but they don't seem to be right

and my intensity is not right.

There was a point that I had really accepted my intensity
took it as a part of me that was not going to just evaporate away
Came to see it as good in me
and then...there it was...self-love
and then other people seemed to accept my intensity
they came to love it too...and love me for it.

I don't love it anymore....
because it causes problems...really really hard problems for me
and no matter how thoughtful or deep or important I think my words are,
they seem to come out in another language
and I hate that language

I don't think I can handle one more misunderstanding
It may blow me over to feel it one more time..
to have every intention be good
and have every outcome be annoying.

I want to just learn how to be....
and be in a way that is right for me to be...
I feel so ashamed that I don't get it...that I'm not seeing it.
that I don't know it until someone else knows it and then it's too late

Stats: Who's here?

OMG, STATS?

Is that a new tab? Has that always been there? I don't think it's been there at all. 
My insecure, scared, approval-seeking butt would've noticed a tab that feeds it so fully
This tab says almost everything you'd never know, not enough to keep you from panic.
It tracks the blog, how people find it, where in the world they're reading it from
what system they use to read it, what posts have been hit the most
the search engines leading people to my blog and what words they searched me under

BUT, IT DOESN'T TELL ME WHO!

I want to know who.  I've been thinking a ton about "who?".

I started this blog scared to death, but willing and ready to jump.
Wanting to get it all out, wanting to be truthful to myself and to the world
but scared shitless of exposure
Until I heard a gently-stated, but piercing opinion
that maybe it was selfish for me to keep it all inside.


I have a journey...it's not a hit movie with an attention-grabbing climax
in fact it's nothing more than a scary title, opening scene and my head
but in that head is A LOT of stuff...little vignettes, painful clips
thoughts in constant motion, reactions, irrational and sometimes ridiculously motivated


Beyond the title...it's just me and that unspoken, internally dramatic journey 
and I selfishly stood with the ability to share it....if only I were brave enough


I opened this blog and waited...a long time...and then wrote...and waited...a long time...
then wedged a door to a few supportive friends who had held my journey with care
and I waited, Then....threw faith and acceptance like pixie dust into the wind
stripped off my clothing and walked nakedly into this journey...vomitted and shook
and remembered the sharing and the helping and the large voice my journey had


I tried hard not to think about the "who"...only because I believed no "who" was reading
Then, realized that I could be found...I swallowed acceptance that time and went on
my mouth betrayed me here and there...boundaries were then crossed
people that clearly didn't belong here, who I asked not to be here...
I saw them peaking through the trees...
they've always tried to see me naked and that's part of why I kept my body wrapped
I was angered but brave, determined to be free of their hurt feelings and expectations

AND THEN TODAY...................I found the "Stats" tab.

No bravery, or acceptance or unselfish will, could keep me from going there
Canada, Bang! Safari, Bang! Apple, Bang! Even China had a frightening power

Happy thoughts tickled my heart....thoughts of people that followed my journey
The "whos" that carried water...an umbrella...a beige blanket while I walked

But my mind, like most who share my journey, can so quickly, viciously, attack my heart
seeing myself very very shamefully, grossly naked...by the "who"s that stripped me down
standing naked and having someone force their way through the door.


When I think of family and nakedness...I want to vomit so bad...till I vomit my heart out
and more than anything, it's because of boundaries...because they never respect them


So I wonder, who is here...and why....
"Welcome", to those that found a comfy chair and warm blanket with this blog
"Thank you for walking with me", for those that run by my side with water and a hand
"I make amends", to those for whom I once stood naked...and only ugliness spilled out


I guess that's where I have to let it go, though
Part of my journey is in not knowing
No pixie dust acceptance or swallowing of faith
Maybe this time I have to grab acceptance, toss it up in the air and bat it out of the park.

Fear of relaxation.

This has been the first break I have had longer than 15 minutes all week. It's been like that the past month and will be until Fall Break. I'm living that life of constant motion. There are people I look up to.  They live this way. They never seemed to stop and I teased the hell out of them. I just couldn't understand how they did it. Now I realize...I get it...I don't have time to figure out how to do it, so I just do it, and that's that. The end.  Except that it isn't the end...

I sat waiting for Luna to come out of school, trying to breathe...trying to process my week so far.  This thought just took hold of me and I haven't let it go yet.

I left work late today..stayed til d last possible minute. As I was leaving I got this deep anxiety. It was worse weekend...a fear and painful rush deep in my chest. There it was...I had time that wasn't filled with immediate responsibility. Sure there were responsibilities to take care of, but nothing that couldn't wait a bit so that I could breathe. And that scared me.  So much.  I can't stand to be still anymore.  I cannot allow a chance to freely choose where my thoughts will go.  I have to be involved...it forces my thoughts in one direction and then they can't run around getting all drunk in worry and distorted by old pain.

Constant motion has been...well unavoidable.  There's no problem finding trains to force my thoughts into.  I have 10 responsibilities that are set and unavoidable and blasting through like train engines. Where there are gaps, I have ten more trains passing by.  And I jump on them quickly, giving myself to for whatever reason. Fast trains with big cabooses adding education or another line on my CV.  I jump on them to prove myself to the doctoral program.  I want that train so badly.

So...now remember this girl who used to sleep all the time, who didn't have time for responsibility because there was too much crying.  That girl sat under the bridge watching trains go by...or played chicken on the tracks.  I was so scared to take on responsibility that I would not be able to handle because I was going to break.

Guess which life I prefer?  BUT there's a moment for break and I don't know what to do...because then the junk can come out.  And there is the anxiety and the fear...taking a break will make me fall into the junk.  I'll fall of the train...the train goes fast and if I fall off, it will hurt bad...

Or...going back to the imagery of my dear peanut butter river.

I'm at a running pace through the peanut butter which makes it so much easier to keep going.  It's not sticking to my whole body...just to my feet. If I'm moving fast enough there's little time to stick.  But damn...all that running has tired me out...it is draining...I can't possibly keep running. The options are both painful: exhaustion or getting sucked into the peanut butter.

What a problem...no one wants to be anxious about free time.  Breaks are supposed to be delicious...yummy and help you get back up and run. God it scares me to death...to stopping scares me.

That's not helpful, Teresa.  Let's think of some other possibilities for the fear.

1. Maybe the fear is because of the other responsibilities that are being put off and are weighing me down.  Maybe they CAN'T wait.  My break is not yet a break until I take care of the other stuff.  The unpaid bills..the lawyer shit...the family stuff...that's the peanut butter.
2. Maybe the fear is that I don't want to face the stuff I don't have.  While I'm enjoying what I am doing (work wise and push wise), maybe it's that I still don't have what I find enjoyable. Any pause in the push only serves to highlight that void.  The pain that's there because I don't have the things I find enjoyable. It's the for what feeling?
3. The people/relationship shit is hurting.  As long as I am in the push, I'm around people and that means less loneliness.  The break, though, is lonely....really really lonely.  So I have to keep on moving.
4. OR...maybe I'm scared of wasting minutes. There are things to be done life to be enjoyed.  I don't want to lose a minute of time that I can use for successful living.

The crazy things is that I was this girl walking around without the push...tons of break and fearing a push.  Now I can't live without it.  Regardless of the reason, now I am so scared of the break.  It is so damn uncomfortable.

What am I trying to avoid?

I talked about the silence a few weeks ago.  God's message to me about silence.  I cleverly threw that message aside because of this very reason.  Silence just throws the thing I'm avoiding like smoke in my face.  However, in true silence, which is the actual message God was giving me, neither the push nor the thing I'm avoiding nor the side responsibilities or the relationships...none of that is present if I am practicing that true silence God was telling me about.

Ok...so now what? Cause I'm still at the base.  I'm sitting here.  Now it's actually night. I am so anxious  and fearful of what I should be doing the next few hours.  And unbelievably, I can't wait to go to work in the morning so that this anxiety is over.

My heart is really telling me that I am trying to avoid some feelings. I'm not denying that there are feelings there.  OMG, I know that there are feelings that are hard there.  But, why am I denying them the space to come out?  I have never wanted to hold feelings.  Why now?

This has been healthy.  As much as I know I was all over the place, it has un-stuffed and sorted a few feelings.

Hard to relax when your holding the handles tightly

I finally gave myself a day to breathe
Luna's with her Dad preparing for the wedding
and I'm alone at home
So, I headed to the mall..had things to return

LOL....the mall was 30 minutes northwest on route 17
I drove 20 minutes southwest on 280...
got about 5 minutes away from the University
before I realized that I had been so distracted that
I had driven to the office instead of the mall


It's amazing how difficult relaxation can be after so much strain

I will NEVER forget my first time at Disney. I was 9...and loving it...
The "It's a small world" ride kinda creeped me out...but the rest was a blast
But the moment I remember the most was my 90 seconds ride on Space Mountain
I remember being shoved into this seat on a "rocket"
I remember it taking off into a dark tunnel...hearing the whizzing and screaming
there were these little metal grasps on the inside of my seat
I grabbed on to those with all my 9 year-old strength...
really believing that if we flipped over, my little hands would save my body from flying
When the ride came to a halt, I could barely get up
they were seriously cramped into a wad
there was no relaxing...my heart was thumping and my hands hurt

That's how I feel today
time to myself, and yet I'm not able to relax...my heart's in a grip
I'm gripping tightly to reality...
the reality of all the responsibility that's waiting again for me on Monday
the reality of a messy house, laundry to be done, homework not finished, bills unpaid

It's all still there...
Oh...and BTW...I hate the mall...

I think it's time to get outside of myself for a while.

It's too much

Whenever there's too much going on at once, something suffers
Right now it's relationships...they're suffering.
And that sucks, because when there's too much going on
the thing you need the most is your relationships.

I'm having a hard time with boundaries
When I try to set them, someone inevitably gets angry.
Even if I say it nicely...even if I say it healthily
there's anger and pissing and...did I say anger?

At one point I learned something about boundaries.
I learned that I wasn't responsible for how other people felt about my boundaries
That I shouldn't change my boundaries just to make someone happy.
I had grown to accept it when someone was disatisfied with my boundaries

But...when everything gets to be too much...
you forget all of those heatlhy things
and those boundaries become more like thorny rock walls

I've got big, thorny, hard rock walls...

Time....

Ahhh...I'm back...for a little bit of breathing.
Running and Running and Running...everything starting all at once.
Body aching...mind lost...thoughts littering themselves everywhere.

I've been thinking a lot about time.

When I think of work, almost any job I've ever held
I picture clocks...a clock on every corner in every room
always knowing where to find a clock
which ones were fast, or slow or broken
I would watch as each...minute...went...by...so....slo...w...l...y

I felt ashamed of being a clock-watcher
ashamed that I was not making every second count
sad that I couldn't stand where I was...
not having enough to do
doing stuff that went wrong,
or times when I was an expensive number in an office.
The "consulting" business...helping big companies make more money
when all I had to do was sit at my desk playing tetris..watching the clock

Suddenly...an explosion...
There are sooo many things happening all at once.
4 classes to teach, 80 students to advise, staff meetings, planning, 3 PAs to supervise
3 grad classes of my own, 6 papers, 3 presentations, 3 exams, various assignments
1 internship, 2 groups to lead, 4+ clients, charts to write, videos to transcribe
1 daughter, pick up drop off, 5 nights of 4th grade homework
pack lunch, make dinner, wash, clean, love, guilt from neglect
early mornings, long days, longer nights, therapy, meetings, committees, organizations
I want to scream....and sometimes I do...or cry in my car or hide in the bathroom

Now.....

Not having enough time...
no time to look at the clock, forgetting the clock
ignoring the clock because it's going to fast...
Gotta wake up...no time to scream...go go go go go go go go
Catching a glimpse of the clock...always running late.
Feet hurting, no napping, back aching, eyes throbbing...thoughts racing.
never wanting to go to bed...cause the next day is pushing from behind
Not eating....forgetting to eat...or choosing to take care of something else.

I'm scared....I've been thinking a lot about time

Before, I was concerned that I was not appreciating the days
Clock-watching and napping for hours
The world was going to pass me by without fulfillment
and that was so sad...and shameful..not understanding how other people did it

Now, I watch the seconds zoom by...
it's morning...and suddenly the sky is dark again
I have A LOT to show for my day...lots of output
but no time to appreciate what's happened.
I worry that time will fly right over my awareness...

Yes...I see the eyes of the world rolling right now
I hear the snort and the whole message about balance
but there's just no time for balance...there really isn't

There are a TON of worries...never knowing if I can truly manage
but I almost have to ignore the worries...be in drill mode.

I do love my days better this way, busy
Feeling that there is output...that I'm doing something for me, for Luna, the world
The thoughts, the craziness, the emptiness, the loss
I can say there is no time for the feelings...that feels good...
Until they explode
Then I have to make time....