Holiday is Here for EVERYONE!

This was posted on my friend Terri's Facebook page

Merry Christmas to everyone out there, whether you celebrate it or not!  
Whether you're sad and struggling or happy and content, whatever is happening in your world. 
I wish you some sense of peace in your heart and some sense of light deep inside of you.  
And if you can't find it - hold on tight to someone's hand....my virtual hand if you need it...  
because we are each other's candles.....posted on Friday by Terri on Bonesigharts Facebook page 

It hit a place in me today. The same as on Thanksgiving, this year I just couldn't get into the "spirit". I find myself angry…at everyone…snapping irrationally at Andrew and Luna when they're trying to be kind. Apologizing doesn't feel like enough….it isn't enough. "I don't know what's wrong with me" I say with tears…and scream it on the inside. I don't blame them for hating me. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be near me…I'm just unhappy company. Like ice and fire all at once….They're opposites but neither one too pleasant. 

Other times my anger feels completely justified. I mean, anger is a feeling that's OK…it just matters what I do with it. But, of course, I second guess myself in the "rational" anger. I think, "It must be me!" "I'm just messed up in the brain". I disallow myself the reasoning…I "poof" out the notion that something someone else is doing could be what's wrong. 

Family stuff brings a lot of anger and Holidays are about family. I feel badly. Many people don't have family. Comments that followed Terri's post were about family members that passed away…parents…children. I felt so guilty, holding my anger tightly, as I read those posts. At least I have family. Yes, there is "stuff", but it's not overwhelming "stuff" like death or abuse or that poisonous stuff I hear with my clients. But it is really uncomfortable…painful to me…lonely and alienating "stuff"….and I'd rather not deal with it. See, that's the thing, over the regular parts of the year we don't have to deal with it. During those times, the best coping we can do is to let it ride and accept it for what it is. BUT, then, the Holidays come around...whichever one it is…and we are called to be together. It's a time for being happy…but really it's a time for having to face the uncomfortable "stuff" we accept all year long. Maybe that's it for me. That's why I don't want to spend Holidays with family…because who wants to take the happiest events of the year and turn it into a "face-the-shit-fest"?    

I used to drink. That made it safe. It was a shield against the "shit". It changed my mood to a happy, relaxed "Who-gives-a-crap" enjoyment. Now, I'm stuck facing it and it's scary. 

There's a "too much-ness" that hurts inside, too. That's a new area I've discovered. I don't like this "too much-ness" that comes with the Holiday or presents or my family. I want love…that's all…just love. Presents…I just don't need anything like that. I just need peace and to sit down with my family and to watch a movie…that's what I would LOVE…to watch a movie. To be intrigued by it together. 

It's me, though…I see that. This anger I hold tightly to. It makes me want to be on my own. I want to let everyone else be happy…and in order for that to happen, I have to be somewhere else. My Mom told me last night, before she threw all her presents back in the car and left dramatically and angrily (because I was acting bitchy), she said, "That's why everyone can't stand to be around me!" I know people say things when they're angry. Andrew kept reminding me of that last night and this morning. But even still, when your Mom tells you that, you gotta know it inside…that it IS YOU.  

I have this need to be cared for. I need to sit in quiet peace with people. That doesn't really work on Holidays. It doesn't really work when I am who I am. Who the hells gonna care for me when I don't like myself…and considering the problems other people have, I should be able to walk on my own…leave the lights for others. Terri said, if you can't find it then hold tight to someone's hand…I wish I had that hand….I wish I wanted that hand, I wish I deserved it…but given the way I am…well there's no hands out there for me.

It's my birthday today. At 34...I think that's how old I am…I think I should be able to enjoy the Holidays with ease…to love myself…to feel sane. Instead, that anger is gripping tight to my heart. So, when I blew the candle out..I wished for peace…and hands to hold…both ways. 

Ugh! I'm at least glad all of that is out of my system. It is because I read Terri's post that I allowed myself the freedom to vent this out…Thanks for listening.