“Stuck” talk

Woke up this morning…
peeled my cheek off the drool-soaked pillow…yuk
Well actually woke up this afternoon…at 12:00
I slept 11.5 hours straight…literally…12:30 – 12:00
People usually say "Your body must have needed it!"
Maybe it did.
But, I think it was my mind that needed it…my heart…
My feelings needed a break.
So much emotionally controlled effort…energy…
I spewed it all out last night…on paper…and listening to my sister.
When I have the stomach flu, I eventually vomit…
it feels better…then I get sleepy.
That's how I felt last night.

Today I responded to all the birthday wishes on Facebook…
It made me smile to know people were thinking of me.
Of course, I minimized it…I mean….
Yes, they all said Happy Birthday….
but, for the love of God, they have a reminder on their screen
I tried to shut that part of me up.

Because, I DO…I really DO…feel badly
for writing so much anger and sadness on here.
It wasn't always my style…my writing started in a different place.
When I started writing…REALLY writing…
I was doing it in response to stuff happening in life
Sure, there were hugely crappy feelings…often pessimism…
and...there were times when I WAS severely "stuck"…
Gosh I remember writing about that...
when I first understood what "stuck" thoughts were.
BUT…I generally wrote from the comedic side of it.
That felt better…I felt better about writing it…
At that point, only Holly really read it….but it made me laugh…
She laughed at the "stuckness" talk…
laughed at my observations of life…what I saw
Now…it's all depression talk here…
"stuck" talk with no observations.

I've changed…really changed…and it keeps getting farther away
I've gotta find my way back…I really have to find that me again.
So…today…tonight…I'm going to dig around for the map.
That's step one!