A particularly hard rock day...

I woke up already sucking up the need
Unfortunately, there wasn't much give around
Usually I can figure it out on my own
Either that or just keep pushing through
force my way through...push
By 2:00 I knew...no more...can't do it...call for reinforcement

I listened to the same song 10 times over again
Tears pouring down like they haven't in a while
I've been feeling deep into my bones
but not crying...and today as much as I tried to hold back
I needed to cry

Funny thing is, I made that whole drive to Bernardsville
Crying it out...for 45 minutes
By the time I walked into Nell's office I felt a little rinsed out
I was numbed...in a good way...
Ever feel that way?
Waited so long to sit in the safety of your therapist's office
and worry that when you get there you'll be blank
or even worse...you actually get there and ARE blank

I felt blank...thought I'd wasted the ride

and then.....I sat down
She asked what was up...
I said that my heart hurt...cramped up hurt...
physically tied, bound, strangled hurt
and...boom...it...all...came...gushing out.
and when the words weren't enough (they're often not)
I showed her this....because parts of it spoke for me...

Sometimes I can't explain how I feel so I draw
and though I want to explain what it is I drew...I can't find the words
I know there's stuff here...and I can tell you the parts of it that "feel"
I just can't explain them
In this drawing...I feel rocks...heavy hard..super impenetrable rocks
and I feel heaviness....and rock hard heavy pressure
and "stuck"

I took this drawing out...and shared it with her
and... my heart exploded with shards....
pain stabbing everywhere and everyone
I don't have concrete words for the drawing...or the feelings
Yet both...as hard as they are...poured out like water

Pain poured out with anger...
Confusion....confused anger....confused angry pain

I don't get it...I don't understand
What happened? I asked her what I should do
I told her there's nothing...
No options on this one...nothing I CAN do
and that's the worst part
I wish I had that last chance again
those last words that may make the pain different
or at least make the understanding...make it happen

She asked me if I wanted her to do it for me
I said no...there's nothing to do
and yet I want to...I want to so so badly...to DO something
and I DO want her to do something...I want to feel stood up for

Ah...I get that part now..
I understand that part of the drawing
The rocks...the fact that they are so impenetrably hard
Impossible to chip away...or drill into...
That part of the drawing...hard...sharp...and heavy on my back
It's the feeling of not being able to do anything about
something I want so badly to change or penetrate.

Every single day I have a moment...at least one
where I pray for those hard and sharp and dark rocks
to liquefy and wash away
To then make the CAN do possible again.

Say some prayers...too...maybe it will be.