No chance of getting out today

View from the porch

A path through the backyard

From the middle of the street

From the middle of the street

Plane out stuck

Observations

I had to get out of the house last night
I just really really had to...
too much time to be stuck in a house with an ex-husband and 9 year old
So, in classic TP style, I jump in the car in the middle of the blizzard
I had "Kohl's Cash" (free money to spend at Kohls) and that's where I headed

Slid all over the road, but kept on going.
Figured if anything, I could get to Starbucks
Buttttttt it was closed
So onward to Kohls
Got to the parking lot, hadn't been plowed, but trudged on through
And, yes, it was open!
I basically had the whole store to myself
Those sales people are pretty giving when you're the only one around.
I found a $100+ handbag, perfect for my laptop and books and looking cute
It had no price tag...the lady gave it to me for $16...SIXTEEN!

The peeps decided they wanted pizza...and since I was out, what the heck.
So I headed to Unos...almost there...but right at the entrance...a car...stuck...
Poor guy...back and forth...back and forth...nothing...couldn't get up the hill
A line of about 5 cars waited...watched...the poor guy.
Finally...in my black heeled boots and puffy jacket...get out...and push
And yes...he made it back...but not forth...so we try again...and yes...forth...but not up
Ugh...we did this for 5-10 minutes...only then...did a man come out of his truck
He decided the he was going to take over...
Oh this got my goat...after sitting for 30 minutes warm in his car...watching..
This guy gets out and decides he needs to take charge...
Some other guy gets out...finally...and helps...
Helps? all they did was push the guy to the side of the road so that everyone could get through
They left him there...the poor guy...

I got my pizza...came back...and he was still there...no one around
I asked him if he wanted a ride...and wondered...what's happened to this world

The storm got worse and I headed back home. 
The highways were snowed..but I kept going...everything fine..
Until....I got to our steep half-mile hill...
my rear-wheel drive made it half way up...then nothing.
I pushed and pushed...back and forth...going up..literally inch by inch
Meanwhile, cars passed me...nicely up the hill.
Not one person stops to ask...not one.
I kept going though...cause I believed in my car...I really did
Like the little train...that car and I...we chanted, "I think  I can, I think I can"
My little car and I...just the two of us...chanting along...going inch by inch.
Cars honking by.

There were times I wanted to drop it all...leave my car on the side of the road..walk home
But I wouldn't...I couldn't...I thought I could
I looked at side streets...I dreamed of options...there were desperate cry-worthy moments
But...I kept putting my foot to the gas...letting go...pushing down again...
I developed a rhythm...push, let go, push, let go, sometimes reverse...
I'd get stuck..go in reverse...rock back and forth...on a steep steep hill
and then push again...let go, down on the gas, let go..
At times I ended up on the opposite side of the road...with oncoming traffic
but I kept going...on and on...push let go
this rhythm allowed the car to grip the road inches at a time...
It took me an hour or more to get to the top of that hill
But I made it...it made it...I knew I could.

I turn onto my street...100yrds from my home...and bam...stuck
This time truly truly stuck...I tried...but nothing I could do
A guy came out with a shovel...uncovered my wheels...
Andrew came out...he pushed...they pushed...I slid into the side of the road
And the car is still there.

I had therapy today...we dug and dug...I had to get there
But nothing...no hope...
I thought about how much this is like life.
All the phases...all the times the task seems unsurmountable...but I push...and get there
other times...the task seems simple..so close...100yrds away...and get irreversibly stuck
No way out.
I thought about getting to Kohls...making it through and getting a deal...
Helping others...
I thought about it all...how much it paralleled life...every step.
And I laughed....at all the observations...

They haven't gotten me very far...it will take me a while to process
I've got some cabin fever...today was another day of being stuck in the house
and, yes, I remain emotionally "stuck" too...
But...the fact that I made observations...again...made me feel somewhat close again.
Not yet myself...the old me would have made more of the observations.
But...observations are a start...

“Stuck” talk

Woke up this morning…
peeled my cheek off the drool-soaked pillow…yuk
Well actually woke up this afternoon…at 12:00
I slept 11.5 hours straight…literally…12:30 – 12:00
People usually say "Your body must have needed it!"
Maybe it did.
But, I think it was my mind that needed it…my heart…
My feelings needed a break.
So much emotionally controlled effort…energy…
I spewed it all out last night…on paper…and listening to my sister.
When I have the stomach flu, I eventually vomit…
it feels better…then I get sleepy.
That's how I felt last night.

Today I responded to all the birthday wishes on Facebook…
It made me smile to know people were thinking of me.
Of course, I minimized it…I mean….
Yes, they all said Happy Birthday….
but, for the love of God, they have a reminder on their screen
I tried to shut that part of me up.

Because, I DO…I really DO…feel badly
for writing so much anger and sadness on here.
It wasn't always my style…my writing started in a different place.
When I started writing…REALLY writing…
I was doing it in response to stuff happening in life
Sure, there were hugely crappy feelings…often pessimism…
and...there were times when I WAS severely "stuck"…
Gosh I remember writing about that...
when I first understood what "stuck" thoughts were.
BUT…I generally wrote from the comedic side of it.
That felt better…I felt better about writing it…
At that point, only Holly really read it….but it made me laugh…
She laughed at the "stuckness" talk…
laughed at my observations of life…what I saw
Now…it's all depression talk here…
"stuck" talk with no observations.

I've changed…really changed…and it keeps getting farther away
I've gotta find my way back…I really have to find that me again.
So…today…tonight…I'm going to dig around for the map.
That's step one!
 

Holiday is Here for EVERYONE!

This was posted on my friend Terri's Facebook page

Merry Christmas to everyone out there, whether you celebrate it or not!  
Whether you're sad and struggling or happy and content, whatever is happening in your world. 
I wish you some sense of peace in your heart and some sense of light deep inside of you.  
And if you can't find it - hold on tight to someone's hand....my virtual hand if you need it...  
because we are each other's candles.....posted on Friday by Terri on Bonesigharts Facebook page 

It hit a place in me today. The same as on Thanksgiving, this year I just couldn't get into the "spirit". I find myself angry…at everyone…snapping irrationally at Andrew and Luna when they're trying to be kind. Apologizing doesn't feel like enough….it isn't enough. "I don't know what's wrong with me" I say with tears…and scream it on the inside. I don't blame them for hating me. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be near me…I'm just unhappy company. Like ice and fire all at once….They're opposites but neither one too pleasant. 

Other times my anger feels completely justified. I mean, anger is a feeling that's OK…it just matters what I do with it. But, of course, I second guess myself in the "rational" anger. I think, "It must be me!" "I'm just messed up in the brain". I disallow myself the reasoning…I "poof" out the notion that something someone else is doing could be what's wrong. 

Family stuff brings a lot of anger and Holidays are about family. I feel badly. Many people don't have family. Comments that followed Terri's post were about family members that passed away…parents…children. I felt so guilty, holding my anger tightly, as I read those posts. At least I have family. Yes, there is "stuff", but it's not overwhelming "stuff" like death or abuse or that poisonous stuff I hear with my clients. But it is really uncomfortable…painful to me…lonely and alienating "stuff"….and I'd rather not deal with it. See, that's the thing, over the regular parts of the year we don't have to deal with it. During those times, the best coping we can do is to let it ride and accept it for what it is. BUT, then, the Holidays come around...whichever one it is…and we are called to be together. It's a time for being happy…but really it's a time for having to face the uncomfortable "stuff" we accept all year long. Maybe that's it for me. That's why I don't want to spend Holidays with family…because who wants to take the happiest events of the year and turn it into a "face-the-shit-fest"?    

I used to drink. That made it safe. It was a shield against the "shit". It changed my mood to a happy, relaxed "Who-gives-a-crap" enjoyment. Now, I'm stuck facing it and it's scary. 

There's a "too much-ness" that hurts inside, too. That's a new area I've discovered. I don't like this "too much-ness" that comes with the Holiday or presents or my family. I want love…that's all…just love. Presents…I just don't need anything like that. I just need peace and to sit down with my family and to watch a movie…that's what I would LOVE…to watch a movie. To be intrigued by it together. 

It's me, though…I see that. This anger I hold tightly to. It makes me want to be on my own. I want to let everyone else be happy…and in order for that to happen, I have to be somewhere else. My Mom told me last night, before she threw all her presents back in the car and left dramatically and angrily (because I was acting bitchy), she said, "That's why everyone can't stand to be around me!" I know people say things when they're angry. Andrew kept reminding me of that last night and this morning. But even still, when your Mom tells you that, you gotta know it inside…that it IS YOU.  

I have this need to be cared for. I need to sit in quiet peace with people. That doesn't really work on Holidays. It doesn't really work when I am who I am. Who the hells gonna care for me when I don't like myself…and considering the problems other people have, I should be able to walk on my own…leave the lights for others. Terri said, if you can't find it then hold tight to someone's hand…I wish I had that hand….I wish I wanted that hand, I wish I deserved it…but given the way I am…well there's no hands out there for me.

It's my birthday today. At 34...I think that's how old I am…I think I should be able to enjoy the Holidays with ease…to love myself…to feel sane. Instead, that anger is gripping tight to my heart. So, when I blew the candle out..I wished for peace…and hands to hold…both ways. 

Ugh! I'm at least glad all of that is out of my system. It is because I read Terri's post that I allowed myself the freedom to vent this out…Thanks for listening.

A new post

Past 3 days
Good days

Comfortable feelings
Warmth
Patience
Laughing

So much to write about
But finishing up work first
Tomorrow I hope to be done
Will finally check email
Readying to relax
and write about good things

For now...some sleep
Snore

Human Connection

Big long exasperated sigh..... 
 
Last night was the season finale of Dexter
absolutely one of my favorite shows
who would think that one could feel so much love...
Empathy...for a serial killer...almost connected to his pain
If you've seen it you'll understand what I'm saying
What he does is horrific...
but when he talks about his "Dark Passenger"...
my heart gets all stiff and sad for him
 
So...last night...almost to the end...as we hear his internal dialogue
He looks around at his family and friends who are celebrating together
We hear his thoughts...
 
"They make it look so easy...connecting with another person...
it's like no one told them it was the hardest thing to do in the world
 
It hit me hard...that line...that thought...punched my gut
and today...today I felt every bit of it...reminded the whole day

Screaming…not heard

I feel so alone with all of this 
With all the feelings…with the anger 
And more angry…that I feel alone 
Not sure which anger came first 

I feel absent and invisible 
Like I'm the one that disappeared 
And my thoughts are alone too 
Because I don't hear anyone else 

It's so quiet…….. 
I want to scream!!!  
I've had that dream before 
The one where I'm screaming so loudly 
And no one can hear me 
They can't even see me 
They just keep walking…by me 

I had a dream like that when I was little 
A dream I will always have inside me 
Screaming down from a balcony 
My Papi and brother a table down below 
There….white wisps floating around them 
I was terrified of those wisps 
I screamed…to warn them…screaming and waving 
They didn't notice…they didn't hear 
They laughed with each other…playing  
Having fun through my screams 
I'm screaming alone..no one sees what I'm scared of 

The sound of a text message 
A blinking light that says someone is there 
Something…I'm screaming 
What have I done…. That no one can hear 
They've turned into wisps now floating around 
Scream

My first client…an awful lesson to start with

I don't even know how to even begin to talk about what just happened
I had never even thought about it...it wasn't even a possibility in my head...a missed appointment...I knew he had relapsed...he told me he had relapsed...first he said pot and then...then I knew...and I understood...I tried to show him that I was still going to be there...listening...I knew that I could do that much.  Even when he didn't want to talk about it, I knew...it was a horrible feeling then.  That first missed appointment, it was the first time I cried about this therapy work we do...what we do...especially here.  This piece of shit of a disease...I can't stand it...what they live in...that pain and that void...this fucking pit that they need to fill...

I say I knew...but I didn't really know...not this part of it. He tried to show me....this amazing kid in so much pain....I say kid because that's what I saw when he sat with me...this beautiful kid in a 20 year-old body...but wanting to be loved.  He drew...it was awesome...what he brought in to show me.  "Draw it: what does this addiction mean to you...?"  He did...he drew it in 5-6 pages.  And...ugh...that's when I started to get it...or see it.  He showed me what heroin was like for him...he drew what it represented to him...the voice behind it...the desperation behind it.  He screamed it out all over those pages.  And he was like a little kid...so excited to show me what he'd drawn and so willing to tell me about it. I wish I had those drawings with me....God, I so wish I'd have kept them or copied them.  There was the house of cards...the two faced creature...the big neon door yelling at him to come in...he told me how "in" that door was the heroin...that feeling. There was him...alone on an island...everything in color...him in black and white...there was a ladder and a hot air balloon and a big smile on the balloon and a little devil peeking out from the basket....we talked about getting off that island.  I started to understand more...I hated this fucking disease so badly that day...I hate it so much more today...

The last time he was here....I had agreed to come on a Saturday...he had started a job...was all excited, but could no longer make our morning appointment. Probably even excited that he couldn't make our morning appointment… So...I said ok....Saturday the center was open...I could do group too...but I told him...I said, "C.P.,..listen...I'm missing out time with Luna...so if you don't come I'll be upset." He agreed.  Then came Saturday and I did group and saw another client and then waited...and waited...12:00 came and went...then 12:15...12:30...now I was getting pissed...12:45...he calls..."Um really sorry, I overslept...missed the bus...I'm 5 minutes away".  I'll never forget that morning...not anymore.  He walked in looking like something other than him....he smelled and was only half here...and I was mad...but at least he was here.  I was firm that day...I don't think he expected it...I didn't expect it...I was loving...I told him I was there to help...but I was firm.  He told me plenty of times before...how he bullshitted his way through treatment all the time...we talked before this about bullshitting with me.  So when the dump started oozing out his mouth that day, I laughed with him and called it out.  He laughed…but I was still firm. We knew he had used.  Bullshit or not.  We did talk some other stuff too...about getting paid...the pay check. He told me how excited he was when they handed it to him…how he opened it so quickly that he actually ripped the check…so excited he almost ruined the thing he valued (so symbolic) it was money...with devil faces on it...I asked about a bank account...I asked about giving it to someone to hold..I asked what he could do to not have it in his face....we DID talk about that stuff...

Saturday came and went...he missed...I called...left a voice mail...I left that message just as he was dying.

He overdosed. He fucking died......

He got paid on Friday…that paycheck…the excitement. He got paid and was excited and excitement led to temptation and the craving and the bright neon lights calling for him. He used…it was so exciting to him…such a craving…that pulsating thrill calling so loudly. He used and he used so much…he forgot how much was too much…limits…he forgot limits. It was too much……..

My supervisor called me in...I thought I'd done something wrong.  Never expected to hear what I heard.  and I don't know or expect to know what to do with it now.

I'm ashamed at how selfish that sounds...that it could be anything about my feelings right now. But at least there's feeling there...cause…a real scared part of me wants to just drop it and run away.  A scared part that's kicking at my head..."if I'd not been hard on him that day"..."if I'd said something differently"..."If I'd listened more"..." If I'd listened less"…."If one of the experienced counselors had taken him as a client. Someone more experienced"  

In one of his drawings…the one he laughed about the most, there was turtle-like character with fists and fists full of cash…and in big letters "I wanna be successful". Something in me said to test this…to push that "success" comment. I asked him and pushed the envelope…I asked him why the wads of cash were so big if success is what he wanted. He talked about cash and money and wads of it…how that's success. I pushed him some more…I stressed…"Yeah, but then why didn't you say I wanna be rich"…he told me I was looking to hard into it. I'm a new therapist…I felt bad for pushing it…I dropped it…and every time I listened to the audio of that session….when it got to that part of the session…I literally wanted to vomit…I'd messed up…I pushed too hard. Now…OMG…now I wish I'd pushed more about the money. My instinct knew…why had I betrayed my instinct. He was telling me…he was saying in that picture that money was the first devil…heroin the second…the first led to the second. I should have pushed that more…instead of getting scared.

I know...this is a fucking asshole of a disease.  The staff at my internship is so loving...but I don't want that right now..I want to ignore it.  When someone says there's nothing we could do differently...ugh...then why are we here?  I get it...I do...I understand that it's out of my control...but if we're here to make a difference...then how can I say " I  couldn't have said_____" ...............I don't know.

This really sucks...you know what sucks most....is that I cared for this kid.  I mean...I could sense his pain....I heard him talk and could hear...this little cry sometimes that would come out in a forced laugh...this crying out for boundaries and expectations his parents never gave him....crying about anger he had...crying out some deep sadness...but crying it out in that nervous laugh.   I didn't find it annoying...I found it…..sad.
I have a video of our last session.  I was supposed to present it to class today.  I hate that. I read the transcript of the session…I cried…and cried…it was all there that day.  heard him and challenged it…him. Unfortunately, it was already too late.

He was my first client…my very first…real…regular…invested in him client. You can learn all the "counseling skills" you want in a class…but the moment you sit with that first client and let it go…omg…it is scary and weird and exciting all at the same time. They say you never forget your first client. I won't…I so won't

Part of me just wants to keep moving, too. I want to just keep seeing new clients keep working through it…talk about it, but work beyond it…not letting that doubt seep in….not allowing that time for the doubt that could grow out of this. I know that I process it…I take care of the part…I have people to talk to and I assume I'll be feeling this off and on for a while. That makes me human….that's part of what makes me a counselor. And then part of me feels less than human…not getting it or understanding and feeling really alone in this. That no matter what I'm feeling….someone is judging it…and that makes me scared to talk about it…and that's why I'm saying it here.

Please pray…I need something right now…and I'm not sure what. I think I need to feel it…and I'm not able to…I'm so confused…but can't put words. My body is so sad…but I'm not letting my heart be sad. I thought maybe I'd want peace right now…that maybe I would ask you guys for peace…but I think what I want instead is to just feel…I need to feel this and let it fight its way out of my system….then I'll have peace. Please pray, guys…that I can let myself feel the pain.

A particularly hard rock day...

I woke up already sucking up the need
Unfortunately, there wasn't much give around
Usually I can figure it out on my own
Either that or just keep pushing through
force my way through...push
By 2:00 I knew...no more...can't do it...call for reinforcement

I listened to the same song 10 times over again
Tears pouring down like they haven't in a while
I've been feeling deep into my bones
but not crying...and today as much as I tried to hold back
I needed to cry

Funny thing is, I made that whole drive to Bernardsville
Crying it out...for 45 minutes
By the time I walked into Nell's office I felt a little rinsed out
I was numbed...in a good way...
Ever feel that way?
Waited so long to sit in the safety of your therapist's office
and worry that when you get there you'll be blank
or even worse...you actually get there and ARE blank

I felt blank...thought I'd wasted the ride

and then.....I sat down
She asked what was up...
I said that my heart hurt...cramped up hurt...
physically tied, bound, strangled hurt
and...boom...it...all...came...gushing out.
and when the words weren't enough (they're often not)
I showed her this....because parts of it spoke for me...

Sometimes I can't explain how I feel so I draw
and though I want to explain what it is I drew...I can't find the words
I know there's stuff here...and I can tell you the parts of it that "feel"
I just can't explain them
In this drawing...I feel rocks...heavy hard..super impenetrable rocks
and I feel heaviness....and rock hard heavy pressure
and "stuck"

I took this drawing out...and shared it with her
and... my heart exploded with shards....
pain stabbing everywhere and everyone
I don't have concrete words for the drawing...or the feelings
Yet both...as hard as they are...poured out like water

Pain poured out with anger...
Confusion....confused anger....confused angry pain

I don't get it...I don't understand
What happened? I asked her what I should do
I told her there's nothing...
No options on this one...nothing I CAN do
and that's the worst part
I wish I had that last chance again
those last words that may make the pain different
or at least make the understanding...make it happen

She asked me if I wanted her to do it for me
I said no...there's nothing to do
and yet I want to...I want to so so badly...to DO something
and I DO want her to do something...I want to feel stood up for

Ah...I get that part now..
I understand that part of the drawing
The rocks...the fact that they are so impenetrably hard
Impossible to chip away...or drill into...
That part of the drawing...hard...sharp...and heavy on my back
It's the feeling of not being able to do anything about
something I want so badly to change or penetrate.

Every single day I have a moment...at least one
where I pray for those hard and sharp and dark rocks
to liquefy and wash away
To then make the CAN do possible again.

Say some prayers...too...maybe it will be.

Aoughhhhhhhghghww.....

That's the sound of my body.
owwwwwughmmoohhh
I knew I wasn't feeling well
But then I stopped moving
and now I really know the truth
I'm soooo not feeling well.

My neck is achy and sweaty
my eyes feel like they're steaming
My fingers are cold as ice
There's this crackling sound in my ears

And....
I've got cramps
I'm cranky as hell
Don't wanna see another human being for the next two days
I'm like a lion over here on this end of the couch
I can't stand to even sit here with myself
You know it's bad (as Pink says) when you annoy yourself
Except I'm not just annoying myself
I want to get a divorce from myself
Everything...I mean E--v--ery thing is like a tweezer on a nerve

And....that feeling...that I wish I were totally alone
But if I were alone, I'd be angry that no one was here
That..."come here...go away" feeling
Poor Luna...she's the only one in this house
Wondering why Mom turns into an immovable monster...lol
I'd be fine taking care of myself...or not taking care of myself
But to take care of someone else, when I'm like this...oh no

Oh...ugh...why does this happen?
I really really....don't like it....
And yet...I go back to that image of Lioness Teresa
In my cave instead of the couch
Protecting my boundaries...and my belly
and then...I guess it makes some sense
Maybe then I can understand this incredible CRAZiness!

Tonight.....
Keeping my laptop close and warm on my belly
A blanket to hide in...box of tissues
The TV remote by my cold fingers
and my little girl...as long as she stays in the house...
can have a night to do whatever she wants :)

Burning Popcorn

Some microwaves just can't make popcorn. A new rule I have adopted....don't ever assume that a "Popcorn" button on a microwave means that it will successfully pop a bag of Popcorn. Oh boy, did I ever learn that today. The sad thing is that a bag of burned popcorn seemed to set off a catastrophic wave of ridiculousness...ridiculous attitudes, judgments, pettiness, drama...the whole rainbow of immaturity. Omg...lol.

Yep.  I burned a darn bag of popcorn at the office today two seconds before running in to teach.  I may have let out a few silent expletives...blew it off (figuratively and literally)...gave the bag to the kind maintenance person who happened to be walking the hall...and ran into my classroom.  Apparently, though, the smell and smoke of burned popcorn loomed strongly enough to cause an uproar....and by the time I walked out of class there was a cross ready in my office and a couple of people prepared to nail me up. 

Now...please understand, I am a pretty considerate person.  I care...and am certainly culpable of caring so much that I crucify myself.  But....really...this is popcorn.  For today...for some reason today...I decided that I was done with other people's ridiculousness.  Because, honestly, you could throw some stink bombs in my office and I'd likely laugh...and if the stink bombs landed there by someone's accident, I'd likely laugh harder.  But furious..? Seriously? My gosh.

Oh...this was ridiculous, I can't exaggerate that more...because they had blown it up enough.  I felt bad...I apologized...I sent an email to all of us, apologizing some more, and...yep...I thought that was good enough. Then, I get called into my boss' office.  YES...really...seriously...get called into my boss' office.

" What happened?", she asked.
" I burned a bag of POPCORN!...that's it"

And....finally, (getting to the good part of this story)...I decided I was done....done in the sense that I was not going to "sorry" my way through this part of my life anymore.

I do apologize a lot.  Some settings more than others.  In my work location, because they are their own little tight-knit group with few of us outsiders on the edges, I tend to walk in and out doing my job and ending it there.  I apologize my way through the snickering...smile...take their "superiority"...and that's it.

But today...guys...today I was tired of it.  I didn't yell.  I didn't argue.  I didn't even confront the most ridiculous of the group.  It wasn't worth it.  BUT, when my friends came by to pick on me and laugh, I laughed.  And when my boss called me in, I laughed again.  I looked her straight in the eyes, and smiled...and joked about it until she smiled.

And for once in that place...I felt like a REAL person.