Thanksgiving...ANY way you want it...

Balance Balance Balance Balance

I'm hearing it a lot because of what today is "supposed" to mean.
I'm sitting at a Starbucks near my parent's house...doing school work
I walk in the door and get cut-off...by a guy in CLERGY garb.
I go for the half /half and get shoved into the garbage bin.
The barrista's aren't smiling like they should at a Starbucks.
My computer's out of battery...
I ask the neighbor for the plug,
She gives me a dirty look and says it probably won't reach.
There's no eye contact being made
Certainly not random strangers sharing Thanksgiving happiness.
The snappiness, the rudeness, the lack of "swell spirit"...it drives me bitter.
I close my eyes and breathe
I take Nashville out of my heart and put her on the table and starte.
I think of everything I love....all the people I love.
I cry...but hold it in.
Because I "should" be grateful today...of all days...for all I have.

So I get out my phone.
I start to write thank you texts
160 characters or less can't possibly convey my gratitude
I switch to email....
and I start writing...to everyone that's out of reach.
I give my gratitude to THEM...
Sharing bits and pieces of special things I carry around with me no matter where I am.
I cry inside some more.

Then I see a friend approaching
My old friend Mr. Guilt comes running to my table.
He says that in my gratitude for those over THERE
I'm silently expressing wastefulness....for all that I have HERE.

Unsure what to do, I come here and write.

In sincere honesty...
what's in my heart is resentment...not gratitude.
Anger that I haven't yet gotten through the loss.
It sounds so easy...It's been a year.  I have so much.
But I can't think of it today.
I'm stuck.
Me....stuck...imagine that

And then...it strikes me.
So what if I'm stuck!!!
So what Teresa!!!
So what if I'm angry!
So what if today I feel like I hate New Jersey
would give anything to jump off a plane in Nashville.

(Brace yourself...because here comes the cheesiness)

In EVERYTHING you can find some gratitude.
I can be grateful...
grateful that I got to experience that love in Nashville.
Grateful that my friendships there were soo wonderful that I'm still mourning them.
Grateful that I was so pissed off at Jersey people...with their attitudes
Grateful....because that means I know what selflessness CAN be.
Grateful that I can write about my bitterness and that others will listen...
Grateful that I have that freedom...at least here. 

In group yesterday, a client was feeling particularly hopeless.
Another client replied........

"Be grateful for hating life....for wanting to die....
because those feelings mean you're STILL alive and fighting."
It was a strange and scary thought at the time...
Today it makes a whole lot of sense to me.

I'm sure that somewhere
deep in my brain another
some part of me sings about the things I DO have to be grateful for
some part thinks the type of things people will say around the table:
For family and a home and a beautiful daughter and an education.

But until I accept and love this part of me that hurts today,
I won't even think about the other stuff.
And.....that's OK,
I learned today...that it's OK
because the bad feelings,
no matter how ugly and scary they sound,
are feelings to be grateful for too.

Wishing you a Thanksgiving...anyway you want to feel it...

2 years....2 whole years

I was sad today
Still sad about losing Nashville
Yearning so painfully to be getting off a plane today
walking into one of my old meetings
and celebrating with people that helped me out
Feeling the 2 year coin for the first time

responding to everything in means

But that was not going to happen this year
and I was angry over it...
Teary as I drove to work this morning
Pouting....definitely pouting.
Thinking no one's gonna be interested in celebrating
Hell...I thought no one would remember
and if they did, they wouldn't know why it's important


I was wrong, though...imagine, me, wrong about pouting
My friends, in their own way, made me smile tonight
valued the anniversary with me..in their own way.
They know so little about AA
But Danielle...she made me a pretend 2 year medallion...lol.
and the others...they said a cheers over club sandwiches and cokes.

Then there was Luna....the conversation that made me smile the widest
Because for some reason, she really really really gets it.
Every milestone...every single one...she has made me smile
She has been the most fun person to announce it to.

"Hey, Luna...guess what? One month without beer!"
"Yay, Mami...I'm so happy for you!"
"Hey, Luna...guess what? 90 days without beer!"
"Yay, Mami...I'm so proud!"
"Hey, Luna...guess what? 6 months without beer!"
"Yay, Mami....what color chip is this one?"

Yep...she really really got it...
When I got home, she was laying in my bed
asked me to close my eyes and put my hands out...
and there it was...the best 2 year sobriety coin ever!
Made by her as I rushed home...
made because she wanted to give me what I wanted most
that symbol of two years of life change

And....best of all....she made it rainbow color

Tomorrow I'll reflect more about the past year
but for tonight, I will sleep with two paper coins
made with spiritual gold.

Giving it a voice

Figures...I'm in the race for weeks...

not really looking up at the stars or even down at the ground

just speeding straight forward for weeks with work and school and everything
and then I stop for a breath...
and all this stuff emerges
I'm sure I'll be back in the race in the morning
but for now, everything that's going on around me seems so vivid and detailed
wild

I saw this profile picture

and it really hit me inside...on top..and everywhere

It so reminds me of this one drawing I have ("Release"...on the right column)

about cutting...and the odd relationship one has with it
it just sorta bopped my gut
and that's sorta good....cause I am really so dead set on this race
and I love this race...and it keeps my thoughts whirling in a good place
but when I get to therapy, I spend a half hours pealing the tough skin off
before I let out what's inside...

Today I got to the inside
And it was strange in there

I coped in many ways, but two pop out the most right now.
Throwing up and Cutting
Today I was trying to explain why…
And this is how I explained it

There’s gravel inside me…
my body is full of heavy gravel,
the kind that you see on a driveway…
cheap grey gravel.

It weighs me down deeply and it hurts as it moves around in there
As I walk and feel…
Sometimes it gets so so heavy…so I throw it up
I never binged when I threw up..there was already too much gravel in there
No room for anything else…
When I threw up suddenly there was space in me…I felt lighter
That’s why I threw up…to have less gravel
And that’s why I don’t eat sometimes
Because it makes it feel like there’s some space in my heart
And that feels lighter

Now, the second coping…the cutting..
That’s different
The cutting was something that happened when the air in me steamed so hot
When my body wanted to explode with feeling
When it felt like I couldn’t explode….
When the feelings had to stay in there tight
With a big lid…Because life was there to watch me..spying to see if I was gonna be good
Then…I would cut…it was letting out a little explosion at a time.

The cutting was also about letting the hurt in me win
I think emotional pain often develops from these two fighting parts of you
I don’t think I could have felt such self-hatred if I didn’t know there was good in me too
There are pieces in me that feel so right…
Pieces that I think are right and true and honest…but misunderstood
Unfortunately, when the world thinks you’re not right, the mad part of you starts to win
This mad part of me bullies the self-love out of the way...taunting and teasing
No matter how much the good feelings cry for mercy,
The hate is fighting with an armada of real people
And to prove the good feelings wrong, the bully cuts…punishes the other away
So sad…the good feelings in me are part of this baby…a crying baby
The bully shoves the baby…pushes her in…tells her she’s wrong..
and cuts her if she gets out of line.

These days the baby doesn’t get out much
Partly because of the race and responsibilities
Partly because it doesn’t feel safe out there
And in a big way because the bully is out to get it.

This picture looked like the two parts of me talking
All parts of me talking…all of them
There’s good feeling in the pain
There’s trickery in the bully…when pain becomes love
There’s a baby inside and the bully was once a baby
It all hurts and feels good at the same time
It’s all so confusing

I’m here talking about it…writing about it
I tried to explain it today…
I let it cry…
All in the hope that I can figure it out
All so that it may help…
Even if it’s not for me to figure out..but someone else.

Tomorrow I will go back to the race
bright and early...very fast
looking straight ahead...in focus
forgetting the ground or the sky
the baby will be in there scared and crying
but buckled in tight
and time will pass where all there is is forward
But at least for today, all parts of me had a voice

Here's hoping you let your voices speak too

Luna's Well for Africa

I'm not sure how it happened, but my little baby

the one that came out of my belly...so cute and long

9 years and 4 hours ago...

My baby Madeleine...who came to be called Luna

Today...she turned 9!!!

OMG....I just can't believe it.

We had a great day...birthday party and all

and I'm sure I will post about that later

BUT....

for now I just want to share my Luna with all of you

and spread the word as I promised I would

This year, after talking with her Daddy

and telling me she had too much

and even after being the stuff that 9 year old are now...lol

after all that....

Madeleine (Luna) decided to start a campaign

Check out the video above

$5,000 is literally enough to build an actual well...

to dig deeply enough into the African soil to reach fresh water

....water to an entire community.

it's so cool to see the footage of fresh water finally sprouting from the ground

Luna's kindness

I realize she's my daughter and all...lol...but..
Luna is the coolest form of kindness and hope
Just the way she generally is....just in general being...
she's always just...willing to love
I remember when she was 3 or 4....
we lived in Manhattan and I coordinated  a women's shelter every Friday night
she would love to come with me...
set up the beds and sheets and pillows and a table with food
and when the women would come in...off the street...
they were kinda worn out...kinda stinky and all
any other kid would have been freaked out...
but Luna would run to these women...
She'd show them their beds...and sit with them as they ate
One time she brought a book...
she let one of the ladies...one that I was even scared of...
sit with her and read "Walter the Farting Dog"
and they laughed so hard

I love my little girl...
she's getting older...and living in Jersey,
she's getting that eye rolling sass stuff
but...gosh...God just gave me the best little girl for me...
When I think about my future plans to work in Africa
I just feel so blessed that I have a little girl that will jump along with me

As I said to my friend Mary,
I know I'm not perfect...really far from it...especially as a Mom
and she's pretty close to it...but not perfect
BUT...I do know that she is perfect to me

(Mary, I hope you don't mind me posting this
I realized how many good memories it brought out after I wrote it)

All that a Starbucks card can hold...

I lost my wallet a couple of weeks ago.
Went everywhere and back, twice...three times..
Tore every corner, bag, chair, car...
Couldn't find it.

Fortunately, I had my debit card with me
everything else:
-my Gap credit card...the only card I ever pay off (cause I never use it..lol)
-my brand new Driver's License...literally got it 2 days before
-a Macy's gift card with $100...that bites
-some business cards
-and some change

It sucked...but it seems like a sucky event has become a weekly ritual for me
A reflection of how much I carry...how fast I move...how tired I am
I was willing to deal with it....

and then..........................................

I walk into Starbucks today
have another paper to write...boo..
heading toward the line..when I realize that
my Startbucks (RED) card....it was in the wallet!!!!!!
Lost...
The tears literally bubbled up

Mind you....this is not a credit card...just a gift card
it had $0 balance...so it can't be used...
easily replaced at the register with another gift card, right

No.....................

This was MY Starbucks (RED) gift card
that I have used since Nashville
that ordered my Caramel Macchiattos
and waited patiently in my pocket for a financial upturn...to be used
that sat with me as I took my first steps toward "real" writing
that bought the coffee...which I drank...while writing my applications...
applications which got me in to grad school...which brought me here..
that card that hoped....with me...for Holly to walk in the door
that shared the love of Jolan...and Elizabeth...V...wow...and Em
and Jenifer...after the $200 dollar meeting...lol
oh wow...that bought the coffee...that kept me sober...
OMG...yes...how could I forget?...it bought the coffee cups
that first kept me sober...now I really want to cry
the card that listened to so many interesting conversations
with random strangers...who became friends
used in Nashville Starbucks...
Bellevue, Westmeade, Brentwood, Green Hills, Vandy
Flew to Puerto Rico...that made me happy...as I sent the pic to Holly
the new coffee...here...in NJ...Seton Hall, Clifton, Summit, Bernardsville
and....that gives 10 cents of every coffee to Africa


All of that....
in one red little card...
with a white Baobob Tree
and it feels like I lost a friend

<----- yep...that's it there


Why I get so sad over these things....
I just do
All the other stuff in that lost wallet seems like dribble
I just want my card back...

So I walk to the register...I tell myself I have to let go...
I'll grab a new RED card...and new start...
I've been meaning to grow away from those other memories anyway
this is just an opportunity
but nothing...at the register...no RED cards...
not one...they no longer make them

How a card can be a friend....I just don't know

I feel guilty...that people lose hard things...
and me...I'm sorry...I grieve over a card in my pocket.
Sure feels like a loss, though....

A late paper...

Oh Man...
I sooooo wish I had more time to write
I mean..to write about the real stuff
not the contrived writing that I force out like constipation
yes that is exactly what it feels like when i write a paper for school
it feels like I'm constipated and have to force out this verbal shit

I had a paper due on Monday
and it sucked
and I hated it
and I have been so overwhelmed and exhausted
with every second of every day full of something
it was horrible to have all of this work due at once
and my belly got literally sick with forcing it

I love to learn...I love what I do for a living and what I'm learning to do
I love what I'm learning...
my brain takes all this stuff together
and all these new facts...it's like they have a soccer games in my brain
and on weekends these new concepts and facts have tournaments up there
and it is super fun to watch those tournaments
I really love to suck this stuff up and spin it around and process it

But I had a paper due...and I felt constipated with knowledge
and I was TIRED...sooooo tired guys...
my body had finally crashed and was screaming..."Let me breathe!!!"
sooooo...as a very rare occassion...in my life...I allowed myself a break
this happens so rarely...that I let expectations be...and choose the easy way
But I needed to...I made a healthy decision....for myself...
and I was OK with it.

But...when I walked into that class
looked to the professor and whispered...I needed an extra day on my paper
well....let's just say I didn't get the response that made me warm and fuzzy
I'd forgotten that for all my pride...
in for once accepting that I was not going to do it perfectly
finally cutting myself a break and letting it be...
loving myself enough....
telling myself that I am just as good with a late paper as with an on time paper
I'd forgotten....
that the professor wasn't gonna give one small shit about my reasons
Quite the opposite....this woman said the one thing
that would put that familiar shame knife right back to my throat.

she said...quote...
"I don't know what to say...
You need to know that in all the years I have taught grad school
not once has a student handed in a late paper!!!"
Now...honestly...what did her statement serve...
what did she get out of that...what was her goal..
because I really see none
whatever it was...it worked...cause the shame game was back....

Can you imagine? all the umph I had in taking care of myself...
in making a self-loving decision...
all of that...went puff!!
all I heard was..."Ha, Teresa, you fool...how could you...
you should be ashamed and you know it!"
oh...and i also heard
"You failure!"...and  "Not good enough!...compared to everyone else"
and basically...I saw my beautiful 4.0 go whistling away...
and any pride I had...like a ghost...just disappear...

So...I guess I'm not so ready to brave the self-care route...
no matter how much I need it.....
cause....guys....get this....that week...I had
a new lesson plan...three classes to teach...
advising appointments with a new student in my office every 20 minutes...
internship...that's clients and a group to run
one midterm exam...two presentations...and other little assignments...
all due between Monday and Wednesday....

The question is....why?...
why did this one bitch's useless comment take all my good feeling away...
why did I let it?  why did I let her?
still processing this one guys...

What I really wish I'd said was...
"The first one?...ever?...really?...with a late paper?
well then fuck...I'm gonna go get myself a plaque to commemorate the day"
or
"Well...wow...I guess congratulations are in order...glad to be your first"
or
"You're full of shit!"
or how about just a plain old
"*#^$$#@!!" (Expletive)