Walls

I'm going through something right now. 
A loss...a real feeling of loss...
because of my recent move from Nashville...
because of the loss of comfort...
because of the loss of people. 
So for the first time ever, I have a true resistance toward relationships.

I'm so scared of having a false sense of mattering...
or that I think I matter to someone and it was all a facade.
I know I matter to me..and have my place in the universe...
and matter to the regular Joe that I may meet in passing.
But I just can't seem to trust that I matter to anyone that I feel close to or potentially close to.

My walls in the past have been like Saran wrap...
they're there, but you can still see me...
and I'd let people cling if they wanted.

Right now...I feel the rocks I'm piling up around me...
and hear the sound of them knocking against each other...
I feel the intense weight of this wall inching its way up...
I'm throwing the "f-this" and "f-you"s and "whatevers" and hate words...
throwing them around in my head....
the rocks..the rocks..all piling...
racing to get the wall built before inner Teresa knocks it down at some moment of vulnerability.

That's what it is.
Today....that's what's been floating in my heart...today.