Just like me, right

"Oh boy"..I think.."oh no"...except with harsher words that start with sh and d and f and the whole list.  How am I going to do this? I can't take it now..how am I going to manage in a few years. Maybe it will get easier.  Maybe I can "nip it in the bud"...except that she's already sprouted...I hope it's not too late.


Why is is that I'm so impatient? She thinks she knows everything...she's eight...but she thinks she knows more than me about it all...and it frustrates the heck out of me...to the point that eventually I snap. 
I say, "Are you kidding me?? You are EIGHT!! Seriously...what makes you think you know better? It is disrespectful...do not correct me.." blah blah blah and all the other things impatient adults say.


But...there it is...in that last statement, "Do not correct me!"...ah...I get it.  She's just like me...just like me...exactly like me.  She wants to know everything...she wants to show me she knows...she wants to be right and right in the middle of the conversation.  She wants to prove something or just fit in.  She wants to be right.  Yes...that's what it is!
Because I want to be right...and I don't want to be challenged...because I'm older...and obviously I know better...right right right..because I'm 32...and I know more...so don't challenge me.


Just like her..I want to prove something...and yes, I'm 32..lol..I should know better.


This type of revelation happens all the time.  It's just me and her...every day...90% of the time...just us.  And...while we're very different in a lot of frustrating ways, we are VERY much alike.  It bugs me...It's hard to go through...you want to ALWAYS be loving...but I'm impatient...with her..about the things I don't like about me...how can I blame her? And when I have this revelation...I breathe...my heart warms...I give her a hug...and cut both of us a break...we deserve it...

Sleepy in the eyes.

My eyes are sleepy.  That's the first thought I have as I write this.  I've had a difficult time with this blogging thing.  Give me a friend.. and an email..and a topic... and a life to discuss...and I can write away with love, humor, insight, sarcasm and emotion.  But here...ugh...I'm not sure what's going on. 
To begin with, I had a difficult time coming up with a name for my blog.  I just wanted to get the message across that it was me..and honest and REAL me...and that it had to do with how I see things...or the odd things I notice...that maybe other people don't notice...and how weird that feels...to tell someone something you see...and that they think it's weird.  But lately, I've been realizing that more people out there catch weird things too...and that it's so cool when we share them.  And soooo that's what I want this blog to be about.
Funny thing is...I still haven't told anyone about the blog...or at least not told them where to find it or read it.  So...there's really not much sharing going on yet.  I'm just trying to warm up to the idea.
Today I'm sleepy.  Really sleepy in the eyes. 

Walls

I'm going through something right now. 
A loss...a real feeling of loss...
because of my recent move from Nashville...
because of the loss of comfort...
because of the loss of people. 
So for the first time ever, I have a true resistance toward relationships.

I'm so scared of having a false sense of mattering...
or that I think I matter to someone and it was all a facade.
I know I matter to me..and have my place in the universe...
and matter to the regular Joe that I may meet in passing.
But I just can't seem to trust that I matter to anyone that I feel close to or potentially close to.

My walls in the past have been like Saran wrap...
they're there, but you can still see me...
and I'd let people cling if they wanted.

Right now...I feel the rocks I'm piling up around me...
and hear the sound of them knocking against each other...
I feel the intense weight of this wall inching its way up...
I'm throwing the "f-this" and "f-you"s and "whatevers" and hate words...
throwing them around in my head....
the rocks..the rocks..all piling...
racing to get the wall built before inner Teresa knocks it down at some moment of vulnerability.

That's what it is.
Today....that's what's been floating in my heart...today.

Affirmation

A few months ago I had a big big slope...I reached out...I did what I learned to do. I had to find my own way up...I knew I was the one that had to do it.  So I wrote this affirmation.  I found it in my journal the other day and realized that I had not repeated it nearly enough.  So here I go...

I'm strong, I know I'm strong. I will do this. I know this.
I can choose to stick to my convictions and gut feelings. I can choose to be free of other people's convictions and gut feelings. I am happiest when I am accepting of myself and enjoying the uniqueness of others. I need to believe in myself and trust myself...because I know that I am kind, generous, brave, super understanding of others and willing to see my faults and change them.
I'm honest with myself...I'm not pretending or protecting...and I am honest with others...I love God...I want to be close to him. I value my gifts and use them to ease my sadness. I am good to my friends...and deserve goodness. I can do this. I can choose to live a sane life...accepting of my uniqueness...I will no longer call it crazy...because I love that I can feel so so much...and what makes me different is the whole-hearted investment I make and the risk I take in being that way..and while it brings me pain at times..it also brings me intense joy.

I acknowledge these things, I affirm them through this statement. I affirm it aloud to you because I want to acknowledge that all the work I've done had power..it wasn't a waste, I have it all inside. I'm not lost. Thank you for knowing that...and I commit myself to knowing it more...because the people that love me deserve that from me. I feel better. I'm still sad but I know it's going to be ok. I affirm that out into the universe.

Biking on

33 years ago I began a journey. I should say my parents sent me on this journey and as the years went by I took on more and more responsibility for my steps. I got on a metaphorical bike. I fell and scraped my knees and my parents were there to wipe my tears. I took off the training wheels, rode, fell and when my parents were no longer watching I let the cuts heal on their own. I pedaled faster and farther to places where my support was miles away. I flew. I fell on scraped elbows. Sometimes I washed them off and other times I cried them away. Too often I let them fester, but I kept riding. I rode millions of miles on flat tires and warped rims, on cushy seats or no seats at all. I soared and I fell covered in scars until one amazing day I discovered a new way. I figured out how to make the cuts heal without scarring. I continued to soar and fall and, though I cried when I fell, I was finally able to laugh at the fall, fix my bike and put air in my tires. The riding got easier and the falls came fewer, farther apart and less disastrous. I rode on.

This blog is the story of this journey, how I came to ride and how I fixed my bike...how I ride it now.....the ways I do it NOW...believing in the power of this journey and why I feel others can too. I have many years left to ride and my biggest hope is that I can ride with others...taking more risks and showing less scars.

Fireflies in my heart

My friend, Terri has been mentioning this light inside...

questioning it...looking at it....I can certainly relate.
until recently, my light inside was more like a firefly...
it would light up and I'd get all excited.....
but when I'd cup my hands to catch it....
.......zooom......light out and flown away..
and then I'd wait a bit...and...
.......zoom.........firefly back...
little light shining but clear across the field now...
time to go catch it again...or try.
and then one day...
I guess I just managed to catch it..
and I trapped it in my heart
and it flies around in there...
sometimes lit..sometimes not..but it's in there.
I like that feeling...

BUT...what I was thinking...and thinking..and thinking..is that..my inside light is there..somewhere...but it's my "outside" light that has a blown fuse. Since I've moved..it only flickers!! and I don't like that...I'm not shining the way I did...or something....I, too, am questioning...and well...I don't know. Hey...you know those glow sticks?..that you have to put them up to the light for a long time..so that they glow in the dark?? But it only last so long...and I guess maybe I don't have enough lightbulbs around to get close to.