From the Outside

You ever look around you and wonder,

"Who are these people?" 

and you have that sort of Truman Show moment 

and you think everyone around you is just in some other realm....together...

that you don't know?

I've been having that feeling a lot lately. 

And it's weird, 

because I am very aware that it's a "the world revolves around me" thing. 

A four year old thing...child thing..

where you think you are this important thing

that everyone else is there to either please you or disturb you. 

Or....maybe it's more like a whole conspiracy...

where everyone in the world knows your life 

and plans things behind your back...

that when you think you are keeping something secret, 

the whole world actually knows. 

Yeah...like the Truman show...just like that.

And then the other day...in my therapist's office....

she has this doll house

and i was talking about how i feel...

and I thought about that doll house filled with people...

people walking around doing things...

people talking and getting ready to go places...eating breakfast...etc..

and I was sitting on her couch 

watching the doll house from the outside...

like this big ogre...

and wanting to shrink and squeeze into that house. 

So, it was like the complete opposite of the "Truman Show" feeling.

The thing is,

I can't remember what it feels like to think of life as neither of those two images. 

Can't remember life as a completely just plain life.

I think I'm tired of my Mandalas...or "circle art"...

I think drawing them was so nice for when I had just arrived here...leaving Nashville

for when my feelings were capable of exploding all over

like shrapnel hitting everyone around...

The "circle art" helped me keep that stuff expressed but contained.

Suddenly I find myself with nothing to fill the circle with...

so...what next? 

OMG!!! I just had a super...overwhelming...thought...

I'm gonna try drawing on the outside of the circle...

keep the circle blank and draw everything out...

I know all of this ties together somehow...

I was hoping I could tie it all together in some psychoanalytic way. 

But I sorta think you get what i mean...right?

I think I need a goal...a things outside of my master's degree...

something separate from all that stress and work....

something personal to achieve...

I gotta figure this out.

The God Moment

I haven't wanted to drink for months. Someone asked for beer one day..I had no idea where...seriously...that shocked me...tons of stores down Kearny Ave...but for the life of me I can't recall one liquor store...(OK...Remember that part...bc it will be important)

The past couple of weeks...the crap has been stirring...I'm in a deep low again....and...definitely, that doesn't mean that I'd drink...but it does tell me that I'm spiritually empty. In Nashville, meetings kept me alert and aware and mindful of my inner spirit. Here, I've hated meetings. BUT like I said...there's been a flashing neon "Vacancy" sign over my spiritual tank lately. When I'm not at work, or at class or with Luna...I'm hating myself. Ive made a colossal mess with 3 of my friends and know that only I can clean it up. I'm sad..I want a vomit..you've heard that before.

It was 7:00...been in class all day..I was moping...have a paper to write..ran out of D. Coke...want something to eat. I live off the main street, lined with churches, bodegas, family owned cafes and bakeries...mom and pop stores...pharmacies. But I ALWAYS go to G & Js..they're like family now..and theyre ALWAYS open. Um...not tonight..."For the love of God!!" ...so I keep walking down Kearny Ave...to the gas station..to get some coke.

Then I look up...and there it is. OMG! Now, let me explain Holly, I have jogged down Kearny Ave and back 100x. I have NEVER even noticed...that a block down...on the corner..IS A LIQUOR STORE!!...what on earth!! and I stop and think..and pictured with delight...that power of picking up a case of beer again..amazing...and it scares me. It really stops me...literally.

There's a guy across the street...in front of a one of those churches...in front of their Daycare...talking to another guy smoking a cigarette...and as he says good-bye and walks up the steps I think..."Hm...is there a meeting there tonight?"...suddenly my Higher Power put me on autopilot.

I crossed the street
walked half way up the steps
and wanted to turn back,
but I took another step
The door was open
I couldn't hear anyone
and wanted to turn back,
but went in "I've always wondered about this Daycare"
There was no one around
I was ready to walk back
and then I heard a roaring laugh
I walked down the Hall
I peaked through a little window on the door
A room full of men...
"Ah...this is a men's meeting!, Oh well"
was ready to walk away
but took one last look
ONE woman!...
"It's 8:00...the meeting's half-way done"
I wanted to turn back
but my hand opened the door
and there I was...in the room...heart racing
I sat down.

Ok...the topic was "spritual moments"...lol...OMG...but 25 minutes left...I surely could get through this...I settled in. 10 minutes left...a guy starts to share...

"Spiritual Moments", he says..."I'm sorry I'm late...I ran into a guy out in front...a guy that needs to be in this room with us...but he's not ready" he frowns
But continues, "I know it was a no coincidence that I just ran into him...it was a higher power moment..but I also knew he would't come in...he's not ready..so I let it go"
Finally he says, "So I'm sorry I'm late..but since we're talking about god moments...well maybe there could have been one out there...but not today"

My heart is pounding through my chest...my eyes start to water...my hands are shaking...I raise my hand...to share...to tell this guy...that there WAS a "God moment" outside...that if he hadn't been outside, I wouldn't have stopped...I followed him in...cause the universe put him outside...and I NEEDED that...for my spiritual tank...I so NEEDED that...
and heads were lifted...and I saw smiles...and someone said thank you to me..."and..THAT GUY's NEVER LATE!!" and the woman...the ONE woman...this was her last week there...she was going to go to another group...this was her last week...not anymore...and suddenly...so warmly...I felt community...with other alcoholics...Amazing stuff...I love this stuff...that's what AA is about...it's not just about "not drinking"...it's about finding these connections...

AND, this all happened within 2 blocks of my house...all of it...the bodega not open...the gas station...the liquor store..the church...down the street from my Dad's church..
ok...sooooo long story...to add to it, the woman's boyfriend...about 6 months ago he was riding his bike when he found Luna's cell phone on the street. He called us...he returned it...he smiled...he wouldn't take money for his kindness...it made me feel warm...and there it was again.

Jealousy

Ugh...jealousy...it comes straight from deep in my belly...it tumbles my heart around...come to my throat and then vomits out in this irrational anger.  What does it say about me, though.  I would never have thought that before...but really, whatever it is I am jealous of...what is it saying about how I feel about ME.

So..like I often do...I start with looking up the actual definition of something before I decide on its meaning toward me.

jeal·ous   /ˈdʒɛləs/ Show Spelled[jel-uhs]
–adjective

1. feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages
2. characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.
3. solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something
4. fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

Ok...so in this case I am jealous of a person...of a really good person...of a person who has done so many amazing things for humanity.  I am resentful because someone I really respect loves and adores this other person.  My friend was overwhelmed by this other person...raved...said that she was the most wonderful person she has EVER met....was so happy to get to meet that person face-to-face.

Looking at the definitions I think...hmmm...what am I guarding? Well...this friend of mine...this friend that I am truly respectful of...well she is just a barely new friend...a relationship that is just developing itself.  So, I'm not sure I really have anything to guard...not sure I even have a good enough relationship with my friend that I have the right to guard it.  I think this is one of the biggest things I am jealous of...that this OTHER person comes in and has that wonderful admiration...but I don't...I haven't proven to be wonderful enough. My friend doesn't think I'm wonderful enough.

WHY am I so worried about this? Am I THAT bad of a person that I think badly of someone just because they are "better" than me? do I think I'm not worthy?

No...I just want to be seen as worthy.

What about the other part of the definition...fearful of losing affection or position...fearful that I've been superseded.  But, is there not enough admiration to go around?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I seem to NEED to be special.  I want to be special to someone....I want that so badly...but why?  I only seem to feel good when others think I'm special. 

Yes...I have heard it millions of times..."you have to love yourself"...why is it so hard to grasp that concept.  The idea that I could feel special all by myself just seems ridiculous...how can I know I'm special if someone doesn't tell me?  I tell Luna all the time how special she is.  Parenting encourages us to praise and let them know they are different.

But would I NEED to feel special only when other people are around.  If I were alone on an island, it wouldn't matter if I was special...because there wouldn't be anyone there but me.  Special has to do with other people...

Ugh...I'm so confused about all this.  I don't have the answers...and I wish I was on a deserted island so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

I'll have to think about it some more and journal about it later.  I want to understand it...I really do.