The beach

Yesterday was an interesting day. Went to the beach with the girlfriends.
The first thing that came up was the body issue thing
Gosh...I find my body alien and gross now. 
I used to be so thin...and then...well this...
And that hurts...inside and out.

Then, this whole thing about phoniness came up.
My friend Danielle and I always have a "child-like" blast together
I'm 32 years old...and I had a "slumber" party with her the night before
I was revved up for a crazy fun drive to the beach
Doing the robot..laughing..typical..not-caring type real stuff
But then my other friend arrived...and the whole thing changed
And Danielle became this totally different person
and I love my friend Leanne...but she "knows everything" and won't shut up about it
So it got old real quick
And then it brought up a whole thing about my OWN talking...
how much I want to be listened to, too
.
Then there was this lonliness thing at the beach
this childish anger about the whole thing
so I drew...and took pictures...and read...and swam
and over-thank (or thunk..IDK)...and pity-pooped
none of it stuck though

Then...OMG...just as we were going to leave...
A shark appeared...what an event
and the naked people appeared from the next beach over.
And there were more dangling hairy penises than I have ever seen in one place
it didn't make me feel uncomfortable
It's just that penises suddenly became so unsexy
and there were breasts everywhere. 
And I was ok with that.  Breasts are beautiful.

So then this sex thing came up.
How I haven't had sex in almost two years
And then a masterbation thing came up
my appearance..and sexual worth
And it sort of went full circle back to the body thing

And there was an argument with another car on the way home
and irrational yet comedic anger popping out
and THEN we FINALLY did the robot...on a sugar high
everyone got crazy...and it was finally real to me.

Each one of the above paragraphs can evolve into whole books for me
So....I started thinking about how everything...every moment has an emotion.
Is that good or bad? Are whole books about momentary happenings..is that a good thing?
Maybe I need to just not think so much...Just "BE" rather than "FEEL"

I LOVE that I know how to FEEL so much
I LOVE how much I SEE in life
I LOVE my honesty...my "realness"..the lack of phoniness
I LOVE that I sometimes write it out

But maybe I just need a BLANK day here and there
A "NOT-Thinking-Feeling-Seeing-Writing" type of day.

HA!!! and that's what I KNEW I needed yesterday...
SEE!!! I ALREADY knew that!!
I didn't have to write this all out...or think all that out
My heart KNEW I needed that...and wished for that.

I didn't GET it...obviously...the whole Danielle thing threw me off it
BUT the point is that I KNEW it BEFORE I wasted all this time thinking it through
I need to trust my "self-awareness" more.

Not sure I would have stayed home instead...
probably would have gone and pouted anyway
But that's a different lesson, huh?

The fears I don't think about

Moving has been a trial. I am still grieving from it.
I think I've said this a lot.
More than anything, though,
it has brought a lot of old beliefs, uncertainties and private fears to the surface.
Like a rash, they have become exposed to others.
People see it itch...they see me scratch...that makes it worse.
I sometimes try to cover the rash with sleeves...I still scratch through the cloth.

So. I went to some of my favorite people.
The people who's lives and stories I dream of emulating.
And I reached one prayer suggested by Mother Teresa.
And while I don't know how possible it will be for me
I want to know it regularly.
And when I'm ready, I think I will understand
That it's actually God that will take action..al I have to do is ask.

Deliver me, O God,
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire to being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the desire of being popular,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being suspected.
Amen.

That's all I'm asking for today.

Letter to myself

Sometimes, like today, I look back at my journals, my emails, my drawings, all the stuff that has made me me and has gotten me through interesting times.  Tonight I found this...and Wow did it hit a place in me for today.  What a great message to myself.

Dear Me.,

U have to regain control of ur life. It feels too much like it is occurring outside of you. You're losing yourself the way you did when you were married to Andrew...the way you do still when he's around. Be selfish for good reason..if you need to take time for you..do it. But don't let others take over responsibilties so that you can waste the time away..that's stealing time from yourself and from others. Not everything you do has to have a grand purpose....but be sure everything you do has some type of productive value. You have begun your pattern of destructiveness again.
I can feel that I hit upon an already bruised area when I mentioned losing yourself. It is true. You have worked hard over two years to regain your sense of identity...to rely and trust in yourself..to face yourself and be gracious.

Don't lose that. I warn you because I remember what it did to you before...and because when you look into the mirror lately, I see the old dis-ease. I want you to be happy...to enjoy life...but more than anything I want u to be within yourself...be your own strongest power..your own most wonderful person..I want you to look in the mirror and see the person you trust over anyone else. You worked so hard for that...abandoning yourself at a time when there is so much hope ahead could really put you in a worse place than you were before. I know you feel like everyone has abandoned you..and I'm not going to begin to argue for or against that reasoning while you are in this mindset. Whether they have left you or not, DO NOT abandon yourself..though you feel neglected, do not neglect yourself.

Hey..you remember that whole thing about how when you're in an this out of control state..those times that you truly abandoned yourself..completely isolated yourself from me...do you remember how out of reality you felt..spinning in the crashing waves...the distorted window you made?? Does it sound familiar? It is scary...but you have gotten beyond that before..and when you were on the other side you were able to see how irrational you had been. You NEED to make that choice now, before you lose yourself again..before you forget your beauty and your strength...while you still can recall the peace it brought you to.

Teresa...you have got to take control.!!! We both know that this needs to take PRIORITY above all else...because if you don't get yourself to that mirror seeing that person you trust..if you don't go pick yourself up....then nothing else is going to feel good. We'll go backwards instead of forward. Get back to yourself at all cost..whatever it takes..go visit Nashville..get on that plane..tell everyone to fuck off for a while..refuse the money...Teresa, I can't stress it enough... nothing matters more right now than regaining that sense of self-identification.

Girl, I KNOW this is really hard for you to do. I will never expect you to be perfect. But for both of our sakes, continue making progress. When you are really stuck...and all you want to do is sleep or cry or stay up worrying...remember my voice...hear me telling you that you can do it...that you need to get over yourself..get off your ass and do the next right thing. Yeah..do all those fucking cheesy sayings you hate to love...lol!

I want to be sure that you know before I finish writing..that I DO NOT think you are a current messy shit. NOT AT ALL!! Dude, think back to three years ago. Fuck almighty..the difference is amazing. Even in your worst moments...like the one you had today..even at your lowest...you are 100x more healthy than you were back then. I am always seeing you do these little things to help yourself up..to make healthy choices. You think I'm not looking..lol..but I see you applying all of the techniques you have learned..and when I do, I want you to know that I am smiling and giggling because you truly have come so far. Nope, I am absolutely not saying the shit you think I am saying..(lol..that sounds kind of ridiculous)...all I'm saying is that I see you are struggling with stuckness..I see it getting harder and I want to help you catch it before it takes that giant leap over the edge.

I love you. I am proud of you. I hear you saying..like when others say with pity that you are going through so much..I hear you that you don't want to use that as an excuse..that is awesome..cause you know that rational Teresa sees this move as an exciting moment in life...I hear you and feel free to keep reminding me that you don't think this is overly-stressful. No..we both know that the actual battle is the one inside you..the one that you would have to fight regardless of where you are and how antagonistic the outer elements are. So let's get that strong ass biatch back in charge. SHE is awesome!

Ok I've said enough and hopefully made my point. Listen to our voice more frequently, ok? I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You are thebomb.com..lol..smile biatch. And get some sleep..so we can take on the new day.

Love you,
Me

The Concoction

I'm here...and stuff is happening...from the middle of my belly button...up to like my sternum...and it sticks there for a little bit before it makes a diagonal turn to my heart. Talk about mindful...I close my eyes and that is EXACTLY where I feel it.

So. I'm thinking about it...and I felt for some reason that I could explain it to you and that for some reason...I should explain it...or there's a purpose I don't know about...that is pulling me toward the computer. I don't know why. But here i am...not really sure about it...kinda sick about it....but it'll pull me all day long if i don't...

And...the only way I can describe is: When I was little (maybe you did it too) I would hide in the bathroom with a cup or bottle and I would start mixing everything I could into it. Gosh...there was toothpaste and shampoo and conditioner and lotion and baby powder...hemorrhoid cream...lol...if it was there...and nail polish and nail polish remover and everything from every drawer, box or cabinet that I could find...maybe I would even put ketchup and mustard before I went in to the bathroom. And I would stir it. and there was this feeling...I won't forget the excitement of it...that if I put enough things in there...that there would be some kind of explosion...or at least some bubbling...or something...so I would cap the top and shake...and nothing would happen...all I had left was this useless concoction that stunk and that could probably get me in trouble. Gosh...the thrill faded soooo fast and I'd pour it down the toilet.

The thing is ...here is this day....it's absolutely amazing outside...I have had nothing to do all day for the first time in a while...Luna is proud and happy...I have my grades now...and I still have a 4.0 half way though my program...i have good friends...a new one who just did the most caring thing I could imagine.

Despite all that good stuff... you know what I feel? I feel that stuff...like that sticky messy concoction...creeping from my belly to my heart.
What I want to scream is WHAT THE FUCK!!

The thing....is that this "stuff" is some truly ugly, disgusting stuff. And why, of all the days, does it have to creep out today...I don't know. BUT there it is...and it is horrible ..just disgusting...It is a pure, absolute, self-HATRED...just despise who I am. And shame...so ashamed to have all the stuff I have in me.

And gosh, this is nothing new. I have had this since high-school..earlier...it's stuff I know how to work on...it's stuff I worked through with Holly...though a lot of it has reactivated since she disappeared...my point is that...this is NOT a discovery...I know about this stuff. BUT...damn it....when I feel it...it is SO DISGUSTINGLY strong...IT takes over every part of me...all my past...all that I did or was done toward me (and I can't fully accept that it was done TO me...not yet...)...but all the lies...the LIES I told and the stuff. It is making my skin crawl right now.

It's why I medicated myself with beer every night.
It's why I cut myself...over and over again...not in the regular way...but in like a beating myself way
It's why I made myself throw up...stick my finger down my throat til it hurt...til I cried...and forced it all out til my belly had nothing else to wrench out.
It's why I still occasionally do...because that's one thing I can't let go of.
It's why I wanted to die... one too many times...almost close enough...why I tested the very edge of it...
It's why I was diagnosed with this thing...why I have to take fucking medicine every...single...day.

I have NO IDEA why I am supposed to be writing this right now. If it was my choice I wouldn't...maybe I'll figure it out later. But I am so scared. Because I WANT to be a good person...I really try...I do good things...I WANT it...but this "stuff" starts beating me.